A First-Gen Professional’s Guide to Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
Picture this:
You wake up and your phone buzzes. It’s your sister texting, and she’s asking if you have a minute. Unsure of what she needs, you call her only to hear her break down in tears about an emotionally taxing situation. You know you’re already running late for your first meeting of the day, but you stay on the line because you don’t want to leave her in distress.
Later that afternoon, while you’re trying to focus on work, you receive an email from a friend asking if you could quickly review something for them. They mention there’s no rush, but when you ask what it’s for, you learn it’s an application due in two days. So, you sacrifice the only free hour in your schedule to give them feedback.
That evening, after coming home exhausted, you still have to cook a meal for your kids. Once dinner is done and the kids are in bed, you plan to work on a passion project. Just as you’re about to settle in, an email from a frantic college student pops up. They’re in a panic because their third recommender hasn’t submitted their letter, and the deadline for their application is at midnight. You end up staying up late drafting that letter, sacrificing your much-needed downtime and sleep.
This scenario—one that might sound all too familiar—is a snapshot of my life nearly ten years ago, fresh out of my PhD program and navigating the early stages of my career. As a first-generation professional, you may recognize parts of this story. We often carry a deep sense of responsibility toward family and community along with a strong need to prove ourselves in professional settings. When cultural values emphasize sacrifice and hard work, the pressure to say “yes” can become overwhelming.
Yet, setting boundaries is not about being selfish. It’s about being intentional and sustainable. Without boundaries, we risk becoming resentful, exhausted, and even burnt out to the point of illness. In this blog post, I want to share why setting boundaries is particularly challenging for us, the types of boundaries essential for our success, and some practical scripts that you can use to set those boundaries without the burdening weight of guilt.
Understanding Guilt: A First-Gen Perspective
Guilt is a large barrier to setting and maintaining boundaries. It is an emotional response triggered when we believe we have done something wrong or have failed to meet expectations, whether that’s our own or someone else’s. One type of guilt that first-gen professionals often experience is called family achievement guilt, or the feeling of discomfort that comes with achieving markers of success, particularly in the context of family members who did not get the same higher education opportunities (Covarrubias et al. 2031).
For many first-gen individuals, achievements are not just a personal win but rather a reflection of the greater sacrifices our families have made for us. When we define success through this lens, saying “no” or setting limits can feel like a betrayal of those who paved the way for us. This internal conflict makes it difficult to establish healthy boundaries, whether at work, with extended family, and even with friends and chosen fam.
This pressure to constantly prove ourselves can lead to overcommitment and a reluctance to prioritize our own needs. You might find yourself accepting additional responsibilities at work or family requests even when you’re already overwhelmed. Over time, this can blur the lines between your professional responsibilities and personal well-being, leading to a lower capacity to support yourself and those you care about.
Cultural Expectations, Family Dynamics, and Generational Patterns
Similarly, in many first-generation households, especially those rooted in immigrant communities, collectivism is a core value and something to be proud of because we wouldn’t be where we are today without our family and ancestors. However, the belief that family comes first is deeply ingrained, and individual needs are often seen as secondary. This cultural expectation creates a conflict when we’re required to assume many roles beyond our professional titles. In addition to our day jobs, we become translators, financial supporters, caregivers, and advocates. These responsibilities, often unspoken, can make it incredibly challenging to push back without feeling like we’re disrupting a fundamental family dynamic or our entire family system.
At the same time, as first-gen professionals, many of us are committed to breaking generational cycles, that is, challenging long-held patterns of overwork and self-sacrifice. But with change comes confusion, judgment, and even pushback from family and community members who may not understand why these new boundaries are necessary.
Essential Boundaries for First-Gen Professionals
To protect your time and energy, it can help to first identify the key areas that require boundaries, including:
Time Boundaries: This can mean defining clear work hours, family commitments, and personal downtime. For instance, you may decide that you will not check work emails after a certain hour, and designate specific times for family interactions and self-care.
Communication Boundaries: This looks like setting expectations around how and when you respond to messages. You might inform your colleagues that you check email only once a day, or let family members know that you prefer texting over phone calls for quick updates.
Work Responsibility Boundaries: This means clarifying what tasks fall within your role and learning to push back when additional requests push you beyond your capacity. You could even remind a supervisor that they previously asked you to work on something else, and ask them what they’d like you prioritize now that they’re adding to your plate.
Financial Boundaries: This can include setting limits and identifying nonnegotiables on how much support you can provide financially without hurting your financial goals, whether for family obligations, friend outings, or work expenses. Remember to put your oxygen mask on first!
Family Obligation Boundaries: This could involve differentiating between emergencies and routine requests that seem urgent but aren’t. For instance, you might commit to helping with emergencies but set limits on too much ongoing support, especially if your actions start to become forms of enabling.
Balancing Boundaries and Relationships
Another important point to consider is that while it’s crucial to set boundaries, it’s equally important to honor the boundaries of others. Relationships require flexibility and compromise. If a family member is accustomed to calling at all hours, instead of completely cutting off communication, you might propose something that works for both of you, by saying, “I’m happy to talk, but let’s schedule a time that works for each of us.” Respecting someone else’s needs, even when it feels uncomfortable, shows that boundaries are a two-way street. They are not just about self-protection but also about intentionally nurturing relationships.
Practical Strategies for Setting Boundaries
Having scripts available can also help you with taking a small step in boundary setting. I recommend that you select at least one to implement or create your own but the point is to remain consistent in enforcing it. Here are some examples I’ve learned from personal experience:
For Autistic Individuals:
- At work: “I do best with clear, written instructions. Can we document action items after meetings?”
- With family: “I love catching up, but spontaneous phone calls deplete my energy. Can we schedule calls in advance or text instead?”
For Individuals with Chronic Illnesses:
- At work: “I have limited capacity, so I need to pace myself and have more scheduled breaks during our retreat.”
- With friends: “I can’t commit to all-day events, but I’d love to meet for a quick coffee.”
For Individuals with Children:
- At work: “I’m unavailable for meetings after 5 PM because of family responsibilities.”
- With extended family: “I appreciate your advice and concern, but I parent in a way that works best for our family.”
For Individuals Struggling with Burnout:
- At work: “I’m at capacity and can’t take on new tasks or projects right now.”
- In social settings: “I need more time to recharge, so I won’t be available for extra service commitments this weekend.”
To be frank, it may not be realistic to always set boundaries without guilt. Instead, when you begin setting more boundaries, guilt may inevitably come up; but over time you can minimize this feeling, learn to better manage it, and/or not let it get in the way of you maintaining the boundaries that honor your humanity. As Prentis Hemphill beautifully stated: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
By reframing boundaries as a way of maintaining your long-term relationships with family and community while also sustaining your energy in the long-haul, you’ll ensure you have the capacity to show up fully for both your personal and professional life.
If you’re ready to explore this topic further, INVITE ME to your campus or work setting to deliver a tailored sustainable productivity or thriving in community workshop. And listen to EPISODE 174 on easy ways to set boundaries with email scripts.
References:
Covarrubias, Rebecca, Andrea Romero, and Michael Trivelli. “Family achievement guilt and mental well-being of college students.” Journal of Child and Family Studies 24 (2015): 2031-2037.
This post was written by Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu, a first-generation, disabled, and autistic Chicana grad school and productivity coach, consultant, and LinkedIn Learning instructor.
She is the co-author of Is Grad School For Me? (UC Press) and co-editor of the Chicana M(other)work Anthology (UA Press). As the founder of Grad School Femtoring, LLC and host of the award-winning Grad School Femtoring Podcast, she helps first-gen BIPOC students and professionals navigate academia and careers with sustainable productivity strategies.
Her work focuses on grad admissions, executive functioning, flexible work systems, burnout prevention, and values-aligned success. Dra. Yvette offers coaching, consulting, and speaking engagements on grad school admissions, career development, productivity, and wellbeing. Learn more at: https://gradschoolfemtoring.com/about/