97: Planting Seeds — How Grad School Femtoring Got Started

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Hello everyone. Today I am recording from Lego Land. We came to celebrate my son's birthday, so the lighting is a little bit off if you're watching me on YouTube. But that's okay. We're still doing this. Today I have a bit of a personal, maybe even vulnerable episode. I want to talk a little bit more about myself and about Grad School Femtoring, how it got started- because I know that there's quite a few of you who are new, new to the podcast, and have found me through different social media platforms- whether it's Facebook or Instagram or LinkedIn. Where else am I? Pinterest. Some of y'all are new and listening. I just want to welcome you and thank you and embrace you. I hope that you find this podcast helpful, insightful in some way.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So who am I? My name is Dra. Yvette. I am a Chicana PhD mother scholar, formerly alc academic staff member turned solopreneur. My mission with starting Grad School Femtoring is to help demystify academia and to provide knowledge to first gen students of color to help them prepare for grad school in hopes that that's a stepping stone for them to pursue their personal and academic goals. I want to share a little bit more about kind of my backstory and how I got to where I'm at now. The reason I do this is because in working with students and femtoring students for - how long has it been now - eleven years. One of my favorite things to do that I would do when it was just one on one was to have this conversation with them where I would open myself up. Tell them a little bit more about myself about my trajectory, something personal, in hopes that they might connect in some way, shape or form.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Students don't always connect with me. We all have different identities, different experiences. Clearly, there's a generational divide too. But I always kind of like to share, because you never know how you might click with someone. Someone might find something that they relate to you about. So who am I? I was born and raised in Southern California, in the San Fernando Valley in the Sylmar San Fernando Pacoima area. If you're from 818, you know what I'm talking about. I get excited when I meet folks from the Valley because y'all know. Y'all know where we're from.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I was raised most of my life by a single mom. My father actually passed away when I was twelve. He passed suddenly from a brain aneurysm, and that was really hard. That was a really formative moment for myself and for my siblings. And I have five siblings. I am the eldest daughter, which means a lot coming from a Mexican family. I took on a lot of responsibilities, a lot of caretaking responsibilities and domestic responsibilities, when I was younger. And because of that, I think that I wanted so desperately to pursue my education and to get a career and to have quote, unquote, a better life.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I was the first in my family to go to college. I didn't really know what I was doing. But somehow ,with the help of friends and the school counselor, we all kind of figured it out together, to apply to college- only the amount of schools that we got fee waivers for. I don't think I realized that I was working class when I was in high school because, we were all - most of us were working class or poor. So we didn't think twice about the fact that we needed fee waivers. When I did get into college, I chose UCLA not because of its ranking, but because it was the closest to home. I didn't want to be too far away because I was at the time the first to move away from my home as well. That was a really big deal and really scary- and discouraged too. But I decided to do it anyway despite my mom's fears and concerns.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And you know what? I wasn't a great student - or I wasn't a perfect student, I should say, not in the way that I was accustomed to. In my K through 12, I tried really hard to get straight A's. I was involved in a million things. I did theater most of my childhood, from fourth grade all through high school. By high school, I was the lead in most productions- except for any musical, because I can't sing. I tried and no, I cannot sing. So I did theater and when I got to college, I continued to do theater.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I didn't know what to major in. Like I said, I struggled. Especially my first year or two, it was a big transition. It was a big culture shock. And I remember just struggling with my general education courses, because I guess I didn't realize just how little I knew from what I was taught in high school until I got to college. It was my first time having to go to tutoring and work my butt off just to get a "B" in a class. My first "C" I ever got in my life was in college, and it was a neuroscience class that wasn't even a requirement. I took it for fun because I thought that maybe I might major in neuroscience to learn more about the brain, to learn more about what happened to my dad. That didn't work out. Math was another one. I thought maybe I'll do a math major. I passed out of the calculus AP exam with flying colors. I was always really good at math. I think that math ended up boring me.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So I decided to pursue English, even though I always struggled with English, English literature. I struggled with that because in elementary school, I was placed in ESL classes- English as a second language. Actually when I started school, I started school in first grade. I didn't go to Kinder, didn't know anything- my letters, my numbers. So I started school with this big language barrier, and it kind of stayed with me throughout my schooling. I always kind of thought of myself as like,I'm not I'm not good at language arts or I'm not good at writing. I'm not good at reading. I struggled to read books. Later on- I learned a lot later that part of it was a combination of me being farsighted and reading books from up close hurts and strains my eyes. I needed glasses to help correct that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Then the other part of it is also learning that I'm more of an audio learner rather than a visual learner. Yes, some visuals are helpful for me. But I actually retain more knowledge when I listen to it. That's why I'm into podcasts and audiobooks now. So yeah, I majored in English and minored in theater in college. I had no idea about majors like Chicanx Studies, ethnic studies, area studies, American Studies, education. I would tell some of my students in the past that if I was in undergrad and knew what I know now, I would probably have been a Chicanx slash sociology double major with an Ed minor or something like that. I actually was an Ed double minor and didn't finish my classes in undergrad and didn't want to stay a fifth year. So I never finished my minor. But yeah, education has always been a big kind of interest of mine. Even now, post PhD- I got my PhD in theater and performance studies and people are always shocked about that, because it's not something that I'm applying in a very kind of apparent direct way in what I do now.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But after getting my PhD, the work that I've been doing with another collective I'm part of - the Chicana Motherwork Collective- has been more kind of in that Ed, higher ed route. It's studying and shedding light on the experiences of mothers of color and the academy. And even now, the work that I do now with Grad School Femtoring, it is about higher education. So there's a clear interest of mine and higher education and the experiences of first generation students, students of color, and low income students or working class students, poor students. There's that connecting thread I think for me.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

In undergrad I was part of a program called the Mellon Mays undergraduate fellowship. That's where I got introduced to the academy, to research, to getting a PhD. I didn't even know that a PhD was an option until I started- until I applied and started learning more about grad school. In retrospect, I think that one of my criticisms of programs like Mellon Mays and McNair- and it's not even, I don't even know that there's a lot that you can do about it within the structure. Perhaps you can add a couple of extra workshops here and there, but it would probably go against the mission. But my critique is that I wish that I had been taught that I had more options, that I had options outside of getting a PhD, or getting a Master's.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Or that getting a PhD could lead to a career outside of academia, because when you're in it, especially in research programs and PhD programs, there's this huge emphasis on the apprentice model, and teaching you to become like your faculty mentor, like your advisor. That means becoming a professor, a tenure track professor, ideally at an R1 institution, at a research one institution, where rankings are high, and you become a stellar scholar. You publish your book to get tenure, and then you publish your second book to become an associate and then a third book for fun. And that's your life. Academia becomes your life.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But I wish I had known what I know now, about about the fact that you can pursue grad school and you can have multiple options. So what happened for me was I went on- thanks to the support of that program - to apply and get into grad school. I started a PhD program in theater and performance studies- again, struggled because I went straight out of undergrad. I wouldn't change it. It was the right decision for me at that time based on my circumstances. But there was a big age gap between myself and my colleagues. There was a lot of infantilization, a lot of ageism, and then combine that- that gets kind of compounded with the fact that there's also sexism and racism. I was in a predominantly white department. So I struggled with a lot of micro and macro aggressions from some of the faculty that I worked with. I struggled with working with a toxic advisor. I struggled with thinking that there was something wrong with me when it was actually the space that made me feel like I didn't belong.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And, you know, I did my best. From an outsider's perspective, I think some folks thought I was doing great. I was getting really big name fellowships. I was passing, meeting all of my milestones. But I also kind of burnt out really, really badly. I developed a chronic illness during the end of my second year of grad school. During my third year, I had a baby. And I had major complications. I nearly died giving birth. After that, I have severe postpartum depression. And it's not just your regular depression, because I've had depression before. I've had it in and out most of my life. When I say severe postpartum depression, it means it was so bad, I needed to get professional help, go see a psychiatrist, get on medication to make sure that that I would be okay- that I wouldn't hurt myself or someone else around me. It was really scary.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

It's hard to talk about that openly. I mean, I think a lot more and more people are being open about talking about mental health issues. But when it's severe, you really, you need professional help. And thankfully, I had access to those resources as a graduate student. So then that- and again, from an outsider's perspective, I'm still meeting milestones. I'm still moving along. I still pass my qualifying exams, worked on my dissertation proposal. That went well. I was working on my dissertation. I had a relatively decent timeline, and we even got to the point of applying for academic jobs. I got on the job market. I got interviews. Then it just hit me. I've said this multiple times. Those of you that know me, you're probably like, I've heard this story before.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But it just hit me so clearly during in the middle of an academic interview, realizing, oh my gosh. I'm going to be the diversity hire. I'm going to be the only person of color in this department. They opened this line for Latinax theater, and it's just gonna be me in the middle of nowhere in a predominantly white department, working for predominantly white students. I had been a TA for a department with predominantly white theatre students who- not all of them, but a good portion of them were very entitled and disrespectful. They would kind of leave my classroom and say it was because their agent called - without any concern over the fact that I was teaching. That lack of respect over myself and what I was offering them. And I realized, oh my gosh. I can't do this.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Then on top of that, I realized, wow. These jobs, their priorities are not aligned with mine. They prioritize research then teaching than service. And for me, in grad school, I loved mentoring, femtoring, service work, showing up to things, helping people out, being of service. Helping people out- that's my jam. That's my thing. I love it. I get a high off of it. I really, really like helping others out. And I was like, I don't think this is gonna work out. What can I do? It felt like a breakup, because deciding to leave the academic job market meant disappointing my advisor. It meant disappointing some of my academic friends. Some people stopped talking to me. But it was the right decision for me because I wanted more for myself. Iwanted to work in Student Affairs, academic affairs work, work directly with students specifically, students that I could relate to- students of color, first gen students.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

That's how I ended up landing- well, my first job was at a scholarship resource center, helping students apply and win national and international merit scholarships. I got really good at applying to fellowships and scholarships, and got really good at helping others get them to. Then my second job was the McNair job, which was the one that I recently left. That was where I started as an assistant director, got promoted to associate director, and was in line to become the full time staff director of the position. But then I realized, oh my goodness. It's hitting me again, just like it hit me in grad school. I don't think I want to do this anymore. I don't think I want to be a tenure track professor.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Similarly, I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be working for a program where the goal is just go to grad school and no other option in between. Because it wasn't encouraged to take a gap year. It wasn't encouraged to pursue something outside of a career where you can diversify higher education. And to me, it didn't kind of sit right with me to keep working, especially when, again, I was getting sick. Again, I was struggling with my boundaries and taking care of myself. So I made the big decision of leaving. And how does this kind of happen? When I think back, what are the baby steps? Because I do think it's important to shed light on not just the big milestones and the big things that we do- life transitions and highlights and achievements.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I also think it's important to think about what are the little baby steps, the things you're doing day by day, that eventually help you build that momentum to get to that -whatever the main goal is, the big goal is? I think for me, it probably got started in 2018 where that seed got planted. Maybe that might be the title of this episode, planting seeds. The seed that planted my ability to leave my job and take courageous steps in my life - more courageous steps - was when in 2018, I realized I really needed to figure out my budgeting. I really had to learn more about financial literacy. I knew the basics, but I just was not where I wanted to be for my age. In doing so, I started listening to podcasts, reading books, listening to coaches and learning as much as I can, just retaining a lot- as much information as I could about financial literacy.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And in learning about financial literacy. I learned about what it's like to start a business, what it's like to start a podcast. I think that was just the seed. It was there in the back of my head as I was learning. Then in 2019, I started to struggle with my health again. I realized oh my goodness. I'm starting to get a lot of ongoing stomach issues, and migraines and seeing multiple specialists. My priority that year was to kind of get my health in order. Along with that, I also decided I need to get a new therapist, someone who's a good fit for me. I was able to find someone who is amazing, who I'm still seeing now. Oh my goodness, I'm going to be so sad when I have to stop seeing her, because she's a woman of color. She's a mom of two. Okay, I need to stop. But she's incredible. It's a really good fit. Let's just say that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So I found a new therapist. And trust me, it was not a quick and easy thing. It wasn't like- oh I just found a great. It took me reaching out to multiple people, doing intake meetings, realizing I don't want to work with that person. Until I finally- I didn't give up. I just kept looking and looking and finally found her. I also started learning more in 2019 kind of early on about life coaching. I was like- what is that? It seems kind of sketchy. I was like, why are these people telling you that you can kind of change your life? I was like, they don't know about my circumstances. They don't know about my struggles. They don't know about my finances- acting here like I can just drop all this money to change my life. Not realizing that I would be doing all the things to change my life.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But in 2019, again, those are a little seeds. I started the podcast- have I mentioned this on the podcast? Some of y'all- send me an email if I have. But I started the podcast kind of as a joke, like not taking it seriously. It was because I was trying to research different options of podcasting hosts and platforms for Chicana Motherwork, because we have a podcast for that too, for the collective too. So I was trying to research options, learn about different technologies, what would make it easier for us to record our weekly episodes. And I found that. I found the platform that I use now and I decided okay, let me test it out. I made a name. I was like- what I do a lot. I femtor, and I'm femtoring about grad school. So I just - Grad School Femtoring. I didn't even give it a second thought. It wasn't a super intentional name. I wish it was, but it wasn't.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Then I recorded my first episode- again, not taking it seriously. The next thing you know, I started realizing my students are asking me the same questions. Let me just record something, send them the link. Let me record - and I just kept doing it. And initially, it wasn't consistent. Then eventually, I started doing bi weekly episodes. Then it got to weekly episodes. And here we are now, doing two episodes a week. I don't know how, but somehow, I am making it work. So that was 2018 when Itarted the podcast. Then, oh my goodness. 2020 hit us. And in 2020- actually, right before we found out about the pandemic, I found out I got pregnant. And we applied to buy a home, so we bought a home that year.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I started working remotely for the first time in my life. I did not realize that that was even really an option. And because I didn't realize it was an option, I think I never pursued it. But it was a really good thing for me, for me and for my physical health andmy chronic illness. It has been a huge blessing. So I started doing that. Then again, I just kept doing- kept learning and listening and just opening myself up to opportunities. I think that by 2021, I couldn't not listen to my voice. You know, the voice that was like- I don't know what you call it. Some people might call it intuition or your gut. I don't know. But I just kept having kind of breakdowns and realizing,I can't keep doing this. I can't do this. I can't do this anymore.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

In fact, that's what I wrote about and that's what I shared. I shared an updated testimonio when I had - recently I had a keynote for the International Association. What is it? International Association of maternal action and scholarship. If you Google IAMAS, they have a YouTube channel. The Chicana Motherwork was the keynote for this year's conference. I was one of the guest speakers and I gave my updated testimonio there. So if you want to hear more about my testimonial in relation to being a mother scholar, you can check it out there. But yeah, that's what I talked about. I was just like, this is not sustainable. Ican't do this anymore. My body's falling apart. My mental health is not great. I need to do something different.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And not only did I decide to leave my job, but decided to kind of start the process of moving my family abroad. This is where I'm at now. I filed grad school Femtoring as an LLC, created a website, created an email list. I'm starting a support group this Thursday. Yay. I'm so excited for y'all who signed up. There might still be a spot or two open. This episode's coming out on Wednesday, and Wednesday is the last day to sign up. So if you're listening to this Wednesday morning or afternoon and you want to join us, then go ahead. The link is going to be in the description for this podcast episode and on Instagram- and by my email list. It's not on the website. But the podcast description is the best place to get the link, or you can google it- Grad School Femtoring support group. It's an Eventbrite link, and you'll find it right away. So sign up. There might be one or two spots left. Y'all know if you sign up and it works, then that means there's still spots.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I'm starting that, which I'm really excited about. I am also booking coaching meetings, more of them, and getting more consultations. And the consultations- I haven't even really made this kind of public, but I should. I need to kind of put myself out there more. I do offer a free half hour consultatios. So if you're someone, you have a quick question, you're stuck on something, you know it's something that I can help you out with and half an hour- it's a free half hour session. Take advantage. I love meeting my listeners and followers and supporters, my community. Please don't be shy. I'm that shy person. I'm that shy, introverted person. So if you're like me, don't do that. Don't stay away. Reach out. If I have spots available, why not? If I don't have spots available, then you're gonna have to wait until spots open up.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But for now, I've got a Calendly link. I'll put that also on this podcast description too for you to sign up for a free consultation. If you just want to chat with me, an informational interview. You name it. It's your half hour. And I do it because I actually appreciate and enjoy meeting new folks. So I'm doing more consultations and coaching sessions. I think I'm getting a little busier because folks are applying to grad school right now. Folks are applying to fellowships right now. Folks are applying to academic jobs right now, and they want a second set of eyes or they want input or they want help with a mock interview or whatever is coming up for them. They're reaching out for help. And some people just want accountability. That's all they want. They want someone that they can just vent to that's cool with me too. Coaching is coaching for a reason. It doesn't have to be me helping you with document review services.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I'm also starting a blog, y'all. I've been wanting to do a blog for years, and then just stopped. And why? I'll be honest with you, I still struggle with writing. I wrote a whole ass dissertation. And I think that academia, what it did to me was it really discouraged me from from writing for fun, from writing creatively. I think I wrote from a place of fear, and from a place of people pleasing. Like I needed to write the right article according to whatever my advisor thought was a good topic, and whatever reading was a hot reading for the field, etc, etc. So I lost that- when I was in from elementary through early years of college, I self identified as more of a creative person. I feel like I lost - some people call it, I think they call it spirit murdering, where you kind of you lose a part of yourself in the process. I think that's what happened to me with my writing.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So I want to get back to writing. I'll be posting blog posts on my website, GradSchoolFemtoring.com- similar, related to applying to grad school, related to radical self care, related to just organizational tips, mindset and coaching stuff. So just keep an eye out because I'll be starting next month, which is only a few days away. I'm gonna be posting blog posts every other week. I'll put up put one up or publish one every other week. So twice a month, I'll try to do that. And what else? I think that's where I'm at now. What changed?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I think for me, it was a big mindset shift. I think it was focusing on a growth mindset, or what some people might call an abundance mindset. Doing things from a place of courage rather than a place of fear, rather than a place of scarcity, rather than a place of envy, and rather than a place of comparing myself to others, rather than a place of people pleasing. Kind of straying away from that, opening myself up to new opportunities, and constantly, constantly, the learning never ends.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And that's a good thing. I think your learning shouldn't stop when you're done with a PhD, and your learning shouldn't just be coming from people more experienced than you in your career. It should be coming from people of all walks of life. I'm learning from my kids. I learn from my listeners. I learn from the custodianat whatever event I was at, that that greeted me and treated me right reminded me about humility. So yeah. That's where I'm at now, and I wanted y'all to have that opportunity to hear more about how I got to where I'm at, in hopes that you all will start to plant your own seeds too. I think that's all I want to say for today. Thank you so much for listening, and I will talk to you all next time.