83: I Just Started Grad School and Don’t Like My Program, What Do I Do?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Welcome everyone. I am back with another short episode. This time I am answering a listener question. The question had to do with what to do if you started grad school and you don't like your program? So I just started grad school, I don't like my program. What do I do?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The first thing is, I would say, what's going on? I need more context. Did you show up and you realize, I don't feel like I fit in, or I feel overwhelmed, or I don't like my advisor, or this program is not what I thought it was. The courses are very different from what I expected, or I feel really out of place in this small town, or this is a really big city for me, or I feel completely isolated. Or these are not the right circumstances for me. I'm still at home and doing this online version of graduate school, and I'm struggling. Or you're just feeling like you're questioning yourself, or you're thinking that maybe you made a mistake in saying yes. Maybe they made a mistake in saying yes to you.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

A lot of those feelings of overwhelm and self doubt are completely normal, especially your first semester, your first quarter. Before you make any decisions, before you think, oh my goodness. I need to just pack my bags and leave, I would want you to just take a minute to reflect and to think about- what are the things that are making me feel like I do not like this program? Then think back- well, what is the reason why I applied to begin with? And what are the reasons that I decided to say yes? Are those reasons still holding true for me now, or have they changed?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Maybe wait it out a little bit more, because it is understandable to struggle a lot that first semester, that first quarter. And sometimes it feels like you're the only one, especially if you're first generation, especially if you're a person of color. You might not feel like you fit in. Maybe it might feel like other people know what they're doing. Maybe they're name dropping. Maybe they seem to know the culture of academia and grad school and the department a bit more than you do. Sometimes there's a mix in cohorts in your classes. So you have students in a cohort above you that are there, and they seem to know what they're doing. They seem really comfortable there and you don't.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

There could be a number of reasons. So first of all, try and wait it out. See how it goes after going through the first quarter, the first semester. But even then, it's really hard to say whether or not it's really not the right fit for you, because sometimes it takes a full year for you to fully transition into graduate study. And it doesn't matter whether you're an undergrad going straight into graduate school, or if you're someone who has been a few years removed from your Bachelor's degree, and have taken some time, have gained some work experience and are going back to school.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

No matter what, that transition is hard. Those of you from undergrad to grad school, it's very, very different environment, very different expectations and workload, and how you're treated and the level of independence required of you. Then for those of you that have been away from school for a while, maybe you're not accustomed to that routine. Maybe you're no longer accustomed to that level of reading. Maybe you have a full time job that you're trying to juggle or a family or just a lot of other things that have come up for you during that time that it's a big transition. I want to remind you of that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The other things I want to go back to are the primary reasons that you think that you might have made the wrong decision, or you no longer like your program, or it wasn't what you expected. Let's say if it's your advisor. You arrive, and maybe you feel a little bit uncomfortable. But really, you feel like- I can't imagine myself working with this person for X number of years. Now what? Well, is there a possibility for you to switch advisors? That's the thing. I don't want you to go straight to let me just leave this program, if there could be another possible solution to the concern or the problem that's coming up for you.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

If it's maybe you're not really getting along or relating to or feeling like you're gaining that sense of camaraderie and understanding from your cohort, maybe you're just very different from your cohort. That can happen not even if you're the only person of color in your cohort. But also sometimes, you could be in a program with all POC, and still not relate to everyone. Because there are a second, third gen, multiple generations of folks who may have had parents or grandparents who have earned their advanced degrees, and maybe they have a level of class privilege that you don't have. Even though you might be of the same race or same ethnicity, there are still major differences between you, or there could be. Just keep that in mind.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Maybe your cohort is just not what you imagined it to be. Then what could you do? Well, one thing you could do is- it's always good to try to develop relationships with your cohort. But it's also great to lean on and build community with people outside of your cohort and outside of your department, too. Are there any individuals in the cohorts ahead of you that you might be able to build community with? Are there other like minded individuals, maybe also in their early years of their program, but in other departments? Perhaps departments that are in related fields? So if you're in the humanities, some folks in other humanities departments on your campus, or social sciences- other folks and other social sciences on your campus. Or folks who have overlaps with your research, but in different departments. Can you build community there? Can you form groups- study groups, writing groups, support groups- so that it helps to offset the gap that you're seeing in your own cohort?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Maybe also, it might be the location. Maybe it's a big shift and change for you because of the weather, or because of the demographics in the area, or because- like I mentioned earlier- maybe you're from a big city, and now you're struggling in a small town. Or vice versa- maybe you're from a small town and you're struggling in the big city. Then can you give yourself some time to adjust to that change? Think about that. Because one thing I also want you to consider is- are the primary reasons for you feeling like you no longer like this program, or you had the wrong impression of it- are those reasons deal breakers? And that's something that I can't tell you. That's something that you're going to have to figure out. What is your deal breaker, or what are some of your deal breakers?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

For me- I'll give you one example of a deal breaker for me which others might think, that's nonsense. That's wild. Why would that be a deal breaker? That has nothing to do with graduate school. But for me, it has everything to do with me and how I function and my ability to remain healthy and feel okay in spaces. For me, really hot weather is difficult. And by really hot weather, I mean the desert. I mean triple digit Fahrenheit weather. So aprogram in Arizona probably is not going to be the best program for me. Why? Because in the heat, I know that I am really prone to getting migraines, and that I get them regularly. If I'm getting daily migraines, I'm probably not going to be functional enough to thrive in a graduate program or in any other setting for that matter. So for me, really hot weather is a deal breaker in terms of a location for me long term. Anywhere I go, I mostly try to avoid very hot weather.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Think about that. Maybe the deal breaker is- you thought that the program was going to be much more interdisciplinary and collaborative. Then you arrive and you realize everybody's doing very independent work on their own, isolated, and it's a much more traditional program than you imagined. And that's a deal breaker for you, because the kind of work that you want to do, the kind of scholar you want to be, the kind of career you want to pursue lies outside of those conventions. You see what I mean? So figure out what are your deal breakers.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Maybe you thought that it would be more of an applied program, and that you would gain specific technical skills out of the program. And you arrive and oh my goodness. I remember this- actually, it wasn't quite a deal breaker for me. But I actually had a misunderstanding too in my own program when I arrived to a theater and performance studies PhD program. You'd think theater, there might be some praxis, you know? There might be some practical component. Maybe folks would be acting, stage managing, directing, doing dramaturgy work of some sort, and more collaboration between the PhD students and the MFA students and the undergraduate students. And no, it was actually very heavy on critical theory. There was very little flexibility, and not a lot of encouragement to do the theater practice. If that was a deal breaker for me, I would have left my program. So keep that in mind. What are your deal breakers?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

What else do I want to say? I want to say that if you've given it a quarter, a semester, possibly even a year- I think a year is a solid amount of time for you to gain a better understanding of your program, of your department, of your campus, and even the surrounding communities, to determine whether or not it's the right program for you. If after that year, you're still feeling like this is not it, and you've identified primary reasons why it's not the right program for you, and they are deal breakers, then it's okay to consider your other options. I don't want you to feel like you are stuck, because you're not.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

What are your options? I know, right away, the first thing that comes to mind is I need to leave. Find a way to leave. Usually the association is you're leaving and not joining another program. But I've actually witnessed and heard from others who have experienced opportunities where they've been able to switch departments. They stay in the same campus, and then they switch from one department to another- probably a related department. I have also heard of folks who switched campuses. So they're in the same department, same field, discipline, working on the same research, but they switch from one campus to another. For instance, if you're in the University of California system, you're going from one UC to another. And for that, you will have to go through an application process all over again.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But if you reach out to the people in advance- the folks that you want to work with at other institutions- you are honest and transparent about it not be a good fit, and how this program is actually a better fit for you, and you find good folks who are interested in working with you. They should be able to not only vouch for you, but also be able to allow you to transfer some of your credit from your previous program to this current program so that you don't have to start from scratch. I want you to be mindful of your options. Your option is not just leave and quit and never pursue graduate school again, or leave and quit and have to start from scratch. You do have opportunities to transfer. You do have opportunities to pick up where you left off somewhere else.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

What else do I want to say about whether or not it's not a good fit? Oh, yes. One thing I want to say that's really important is- as you're going through the rest of this quarter or semester- and maybe you're really really struggling and feeling like oh, I don't know. I don't think I made the right choice. One thing that might be helpful for you to do is to document things that happen, and journal. In your journaling, share your experiences, your feelings, what's going on. Why? Because sometimes you arrive without knowing- maybe you just didn't do enough research. You accepted the program that gave you a decent offer, but you didn't really reach out to a lot of people to find out what was going on in that department and you arrive and it's a very toxic space. What do you do then?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Well, if you're in a toxic space- I know the last episode I talked about gaslighting and setting boundaries. Well, sometimes when you are in a toxic space, you can be made to feel like, oh, it's just you. There's something wrong with you- not us, not our program, not our department. So i's helpful for you to document these things. If it's microaggressions- if you're dealing with class, racial, gendered microaggressions, document them. What do I mean by document? It can be a number of things. It can mean having a folder in your email account where you drop all the memos that you receive that are passive aggressive or hostile. Or it could mean having a spreadsheet with the date, the time and writing out a quick incident and typing up maybe a quote that you remember that someone said.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Why? I'm not necessarily saying that you need to report anything that's going on. But I think it's important for you to remember incidents that happen, or the things that are going on that are making you realize that this is not the right place for you. That way, when it comes time to make that decision, you have all that data there. You don't have to question yourself. You don't have to question your judgment. It's all there. It's on the spreadsheet. It's on the screenshots. It's on your folder in your email. Yes, it might be a lot. My friends will be laughing if they listen to this, because they say that I'm the queen of screenshots. Like don't mess with me, because I will document it. So that's what I'm saying for you too.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

You don't have to take action on what you document. But it's for you. It's for you to know and to have that reassurance of what's going on and what's making you feel like this is not the right place for you. And it doesn't have to be completely terrible things happening to you. It could mean you journaling and saying today, it snowed and I was so afraid of driving in the snow. I don't know what to do. I'm here on my own, and I'm really homesick. I miss the sun, and I think I have seasonal affective disorder. Whatever it is that's going on that you think is impacting how you're doing, and impacting your ability to do well in that program, or making you think twice about your decision. Go ahead and journal about that. Go ahead and document that as well.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Again, all of this is to help you make informed decisions. I don't think anybody should rush into doing anything. Anytime I make decisions, before I even mention it to anybody, I've done a whole ton of just research or just gaining, gathering a lot of information for myself. That way, if anybody tries to interrogate me- which I do. I keep saying over and over and over again, I'm going to be moving abroad. I'm going to be moving moving abroad. Yes, it's still happening. It's happening closer to the end of the year. But I've had so many people interrogate me, and question me, and question my decisions, and whether or not I am doing the right thing. But I feel reassured because I know I have all that information. I have all of the data that I need to make a sound, kind of well thought out decision- an informed decision.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So if you're struggling, if it's the beginning of your program, just know it's normal to feel overwhelmed. It is normal to struggle at the beginning. Give yourself a little bit of time. Document, journal. See how it goes. And if, after a semester, quarter, you have a really good idea of what's going on- or if you need a little more time, after that year- go ahead and reassess things. Then from there, you might end up staying. You might transfer. Who knows? You might completely reapply or pursue something else. I hope you found today's episode helpful and I will talk to you all next time.