82: Setting Boundaries and Gaslighting in Academia

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Hello everyone. This is Dra. Yvette. I am coming to you recording from a different device. I am actually in the middle of a move right now. That means I'm officially starting my transition. I believe I mentioned it before- moving from Santa Barbara to SoCal, and in a couple of months, from SoCal abroad. While I'm in transition, I am going to be recording a few short episodes. I also have a couple of guests who I have lined up that I'm excited to tell you about.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Today, what I wanted to talk to you about is something- it's a topic that came up in conversation more than once. In fact, it came up in conversation at least three times in three different occasions. And I kept thinking to myself, oh my goodness. If this is coming up among my circle of friends, colleagues, mentees, then it's likely coming up for my listeners as well. What is that topic? It's the topic of setting boundaries and gaslighting in academia.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Let me give you a little bit of context. The first time that it was brought up- not directly but in conversation- was earlier this week. I had a meeting with a group of other women of color academics. And all of us in some way, shape, or form are transitioning out of the academy, specifically transitioning out of the tenure track. Some of us are trying to pursue creative writing, or being a doula, or podcasting, or coaching, or taking a break. But a lot of us have similarities. Some of the similarities are that we're all Black and brown, that several of us have immigrant parents. Several of us were the first in our family to go to college. Several of us were part of the Mellon Mays undergraduate research fellowship. Several of us were groomed to become professors, and we're not taught any options- career options- outside of the professoriate. Some of us are a few years removed from getting our PhDs, and others are still wrapping up their PhD program.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And I recall, in my program, I struggled a lot with setting boundaries. I did not like disappointing people. I did not like facing any hostility or pushback from people. That was really hard for me to do. And also, it came up with some of the folks in in that meeting that if they set boundaries, or they try to express themselves in their full selves, their full creative selves, they're told that they're not good enough, that their writing is not academic enough. That's the part that is very frustrating about academia, institutions of higher education, and several institutions of power. As soon as you are no longer as productive, or you're not productive in the way that they need you to be, there is this push back. A lot of it has to do with the fact that the institution runs based on the exploitation of a lot of individuals.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

What I want to remind you- because it is the start of a new academic year. Some of you have already started your new semester. Some of you are getting ready to start the fall quarter. This is a great time to re-evaluate your boundaries. Determine what they are. Do they need to change? And implement them. This is a great time to communicate your boundaries with other people. Why? Because it's really important. I think that the last year and a half, the pandemic has taught us just how short life is, how valuable and precious it is, and that it's not worth it to kill yourself for your degree- for your Bachelor's, your Masters, your PhD.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I want you to be okay with disappointing others. You know, sometimes individuals may make you feel like you're selfish, or like you're difficult to work with, or that something in you setting boundaries is triggering them in some way, shape or form. And that's not- it's not personal. It's not about you. It's about them and how they benefit from your exploitation, how they benefit from you over-producing. At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another thing that has come up- so it came up in that meeting. It came up again when I met with one of my femtees. Then it came up another time as I ran into a friend this week. She came to pick up some items that I was giving her. And it's that same conversation. As soon as you set a boundary, as soon as you say, I'm not going to work more than the 10 hours that I'm paid, the 20 hours that I'm paid, the 40 hours that I'm paid. People make you feel bad about it, like you have to give it your all, your whole self. And no you don't.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

It makes me so angry to hear about professors, students, staff who have contracted COVID, who have had family members, or who had themselves experienced a flooding, or who are dealing with issues of mass violence, or poverty, or just living under very extreme, dangerous conditions where your ability to survive, to be safe is unstable. And then the university expects you to keep going. I had so many times when I'd be working- this is pre pandemic, and even during the pandemic. Pre- pandemic, working at the office. It feels like the world is falling apart, horrible, horrible news of things going on. Even I remember, in Santa Barbara, a couple years back we had mudslides that killed people and there was hardly any mention of it. We just still had to keep showing up, still had to keep doing our work. There was no space made for us to be able to have these tough conversations. That always bothered me.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

During the pandemic, again, horrible, horrible things happening to people. In many cases, people close to us - or sometimes to us, sometimes it directly affecting us and our families. And we have to keep going. I'm hearing about professors who have students dealing with flooding, have no power, and they're being asked to keep recording their lectures so that the students don't fall behind. Really? You really care about that? Instead of caring about your students and their safety. Or professors who find out that a student in the class contracted COVID, and they're not allowed to tell their students about that. Really? Then if you go against what the institution says, your job could be in jeopardy, especially for those who are contingent employees, adjunct professors, assistant professors who haven't secured tenure yet. That makes me angry, because I witnessed too many times that lack of humanity.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I think if you're gonna still remain in these spaces, if you have this strong conviction to get your advanced degree the way that I did, go ahead and do it. But don't kill yourself doing it. Set those boundaries. What are some examples of ways that you can set boundaries? You can set boundaries by deciding that you're not going to answer emails by a certain time. So after 5pm, you're not going to answer emails. Or maybe you decide you're only going to answer emails during two windows of time during the day, maybe in the morning and before you clock out at the end of the day. Or maybe you take Sundays off. Or maybe- like I said earlier- you don't work more than what you're getting paid for. You have a TA ship, it's 20 hours a week. You don't work- you count your time, don't work more than 20 hours. You do what you have to do to not go over this 20 hours.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

It's just not worth your health. As someone who developed a chronic illness in graduate school, I worked myself to the point where I got - I made myself sick. I don't want that to happen to you. I do not regret it in the sense that I remain grateful that I am who I am, and that my experiences have allowed me to have this deep sense of empathy for other people and their experiences. I still think that if you can learn from me and my experiences, then go ahead and learn a little sooner to take care of yourself, to prioritize yourself, to put yourself first. Because if you don't do it, no frickin institution is going to do it for you. No supervisor is gonna do it for you. No advisor is going to do it for you. Only you can take care of yourself.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Right now, as we're starting this new academic year, what I wish for you is that you can have very specific dreams, goals, and intentions, and that you follow through with them. That you take care of yourself - that you make space and time, not just for the work, but space and time for a rest, space and time for joy. If I can assign a little homework for you, it's really to reflect on your boundaries right now. Reflect on your values, and figure out- what small change can you make to help you get closer to that? Also, how can you communicate them?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Because it's not just about figuring out what your boundaries are, and then practicing them. It's also about communicating them with other people, even if you might disappoint some people. We have to learn to be okay with having tough, difficult conversations. It might be awkward and uncomfortable. But sit with that discomfort. The more you have these uncomfortable conversations, and the more you learn to advocate for yourself, the better off you'll be. So yeah, figure out your boundaries, communicate them.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

You don't want to be the person who says, I'm not going to answer emails after this hour. And then someone doesn't know and something urgent happens, and there's a communication mishap. You know what I mean? Just to avoid any major issues, communicate those boundaries and be firm with them. Because no one's gonna believe you if you say you have certain boundaries, and then you don't follow through with them. That's actually another reason why I encourage you to also communicate your boundaries. Say it out loud to as many people as possible, because the more you communicate them, the more you have to hold yourself accountable to keeping them. And the more you keep them, the more you're taking care of yourself. I hope you found this helpful, and I will talk to you all next time.