74: Why I’m Leaving Higher Ed

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

All right, everyone. Today's episode is a bit of a different episode. The topic is on why I'm leaving higher education. That's right. It might seem really strange for you to read that title. You might be thinking- wait, what? What does that mean? What's going on? Well, this week, or within the past week, I have been starting to tell more people that I am leaving my position with the McNair program. I will be leaving the position by the end of August. I've also told some of my friends and loved ones that not only am I leaving that position, but I am also going to be relocating in the coming months. Inot going to be a quick thing. But between now and early 2022, I'll be relocating my family to Portugal.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

It's a bit of a big move and life transition, and I'm navigating this. I'm in the middle of it. I am not done. I can't go back and say, oh. Let me tell you and announce all the things that I've been up to that you weren't part of. No, I'm actually in the middle of it, and I am sharing it. I'm disclosing that information, because I think it's important. It is going to play a factor in how I continue with the podcast in the future. I think this kind of information is important. I don't think enough people talk about this openly, about why they decide to leave academia.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And this is not my first time making a shift like this. I made this shift when I earned my PhD in 2016, and decided I don't want to do this tenure track job market. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to be a professor anymore. That was hard. Yeah, at the time, I was still struggling heavily with the perfectionism, with the people pleasing, with just feeling so guilty and with feeling that imposter syndrome, or feeling unworthy, and thinking that I was letting go of a good thing.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But I didn't realize that that those were all external messages. But what was my gut feeling, or my intuition, whatever you want to call- was telling me no, this is the right thing. It was that voice inside of me, something that was making me lean toward leaving the tenure track job market, and pursuing the job in Student Affairs, in Academic Affairs serving students directly. There was a part of me that just felt like this is the right thing. I haven't done it, but it just feels right and I'm going to pursue it. If I don't pursue it, I'm going to regret it. And I did it.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

It was a really good learning experience. Now that I'm on the other side, I'm getting that feeling again, of like- I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't think I have the capacity to do this anymore. I've got this calling, or whatever you want to call it. My intuition, my gut feeling, is telling me to do something else. That something else is to leave institutions of higher ed completely. And that's for now. Who knows? I might go back to it in the future, maybe. Probably not, but maybe. I don't want to close anything out completely.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But for now, what feels right is to make this shift. To get there required a lot of work, a lot of growth, a lot of therapy, and reading books and listening to podcasts. And really, really spending time to reflect, and to think about, and to daydream about- what would an ideal life for me, in my circumstances, my identity, in my health, in my ability- all those things. What would an ideal lifestyle look like? What does a perfect day in the life look like for me? What brings me joy? And to actually listen to that, and to actually pursue it.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Oof, it's taken a lot of work. I'm still going through that process. I'm still doing the work. I'm still in the thick of it. I haven't officially finished, wrapped things up at my job. It's going to take a while. It's not an easy process to relocate your family abroad. Then once we're there, it's gonna take a while to adjust. It's migrating to another country. Those of us that are children of immigrants, we know firsthand just how hard it is to learn a new culture and a new language and to make that transition and those shifts. Oof, it's not going to be easy.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But I am looking forward to sharing that process with you. Before I do that, I kind of want to tell you what's going on. Like why- folks have asked me, what happened? Why are you leaving? What's your next thing? You of all people, why are you leaving your institution? Or why are you leaving academia? Why are you leaving higher education? And so okay, I'll tell you the ten things, and they're very much personal to me. But some of you might resonate with some of the things that I say, and some of you are debating whether or not to go to grad school, debating whether or not to finish grad school, debating whether or not to- maybe you finished grad school, and to pursue a career in higher education. Or maybe you have a career in higher education, and like me, you're debating whether or not to leave and pursue something else. You get what I mean?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I think hearing my reasons and my perspective, and then hopefully, after this, in the future, following me along that path, maybe it might be helpful to you. Because I know that's been true for me. Every time I have been able to listen to other people and hear their stories, find out how they navigated things, it has been very useful for me. So let's get to these reasons. The first reason is to put my health first. I have tried really hard to harmonize between having a full time job, having two kids- one that requires a lot of one- on- one attention and childcare. Another one that requires a lot of attention when it comes to schooling. And then my other projects- this podcast, the work that I do with Chicana Mother Work, and shedding light on the experiences of mothers of color in the academy. And my own immediate and extended family, and my own relationship with my partner- all these things.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Then on top of that, my chronic illness that gets in the way of a lot of things. it gets in the way of a lot of things because it affects me every single day. I have grown accustomed to being in pain every single day. And I always refer to my chronic illness as that chronic illness. I never kind of specifically say- it's colitis, interstitial cystitis. It's migraines. It's endometriosis. You know, I don't name the thing, because it affects me in many different ways. It's not just that one thing. Now there are days that I've got debilitating migraines, or debilitating nausea, or debilitating cramps. I could go on and on and on.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And for the most part, I've tried my best. I have workplace accommodations. I have very understanding staff and colleagues, a partner that's really, really supportive. But at the end of the day, it's hard having to take sick days and take time off, and try to do all the things, because when I do all the things and overwork and overcommit, I get the flare ups and then I feel sick. So leaving higher education means being in charge of my own schedule, my own time, taking the time that I need, even if it's more time resting than it is producing. Even if it's more time doing things more slowly, but more intentionally, rather than doing things quickly just to get them done. It would be really really hard to do that while staying in higher education, because that's not what's prioritized. Productivity is priority. Taking time off, taking things slowly, doing things more intentionally. That hasn't been true, at least for me. So putting my health first is reason number one.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Reason number two, just as important, putting my family first. I have had so many instances where my son has come up to me- mommy this, mommy that. And he's so excited to show me something. I'm like- sorry, bud, I'm about to run into a meeting. Sorry bud, I've got this thing that's due right now. I don't want to have to put him on the side. I don't want to have to tell him- okay, wait till later,. Wait till after dinner time. Wait until my lunch hour. Wait until - whatever time it is that I have a break, that I can see him and focus solely on him. So I want to be able to put my family first. That's the thing- I have the capacity to do that. I have the capacity to leave my job.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

It took a lot of mind work, a lot of reviewing finances and budgeting. And we're gonna downsize, we're gonna get rid of everything we own. You know, there's a lot of things that we're gonna sacrifice in order to have more time, more time with our family and more time for ourselves. So putting my family first before everything, even the conveniences that we have right now. We're sacrificing that so that we can spend more time with our family. So putting family first, being there for my children in these critical years- very important. I'm never going to regret that - never, ever, ever.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Some people might say, oh my gosh. You haven't even reached the peak of your career. You could have become the director of this, or the director of that. And I'm like, I can still do that. I could do it now. I could do it five years from now. I could do it ten years from now, when my kids are older. I'm never going to regret spending more time with my children, because I know, I had a mom who didn't have that choice, who didn't have that privilege, who was a single mom. And I yearned for that so deeply, to have more time with her, to spend time with her. And she couldn't, and she still can't. She's still working full time. I don't have to do the same thing. Because of her sacrifices, I'm able to be in my position now and do things a little bit differently. Yeah, so definitely - put my family first is reason number two.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Reason number three. I think I've already said this, the family thing, I said that it's to have more time. Well, just like I want to have more time for my kids and my partner, I also want to have more time to strengthen friendships and bonds and build a stronger community. I don't have a lot of regrets in terms of a lot of formative moments in my life and experiences. But I'll say this. If there was ever any regret with my time, and my current institution, and my current location, it's that I wish I would have built a stronger community. It's that I wish I would have made more time. I always felt like I was too busy, because, you know, with a nine to five, and then picking up the kids from school, and then dinner, and then the whole thing over and over and over again. You get up, take the kids to school, go to work, come back, pick up the kid, and make dinner, and just the same routine over and over and over again. It was really easy to just be completely exhausted and fatigued, and not have the energy to sustain relationships.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So now, with more time means that I can be more intentional. I can have these longer conversations. I already feel it. Folks have reached out to me, and whereas before I'd say, I'm not available right now. Maybe we can talk later. Now it's like, actually, I am free. Actually, I am opening myself up to having these conversations. I've talked to some people that I haven't talked to in like six years recently, because of this shift. And it's amazing to go back and rekindle friendships, and strengthen that community.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Even spending more time with my mom, talking to her a bit more. She's even told me that she always worked, work, work, work, work. She wishes she would have build stronger friendships, because now she's older and getting to the age where she's thinking more about what it might be like if she could retire, and if she had friends. And I'm listening to her. I'm learning from her experience. So her regretting not making stronger friendships, stronger bonds with folks in her community- I don't want to keep having that regret. I want to be able to make time and space for people who are meaningful to me. So having more time to strengthen friendships and build community. That's priceless.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Okay, reason number four is- this is a big one, especially as someone from a working class background- is to be more in control of my finances. Now that I'm going to be leaving my position, I am going to be working towards creating systems to generate passive income streams. What does that mean? That means pre recording webinars, or courses, or handouts, or workbooks, or whatever it is. You know, you name it. Little by little over time. Obviously, I'm not going to try to rush into anything right away. But generating these systems of passive income streams, so that I can be more intentional about my time and I can be more intentional and in control of how much money I make, how much money I need to be able to survive. I'm not trying to become a millionaire, although I know some people are, and more power to them. I have respect for anyone, whatever decisions that they want to make for their life.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But for me, I don't need a lot to thrive. I just need- what I desire is a more intentional life. To be in charge of my finances, to know- this is the number that I need to survive. This is the number that I need to put away to retire. This is the number that I need so that my kids won't ever feel like they're missing out on stuff. And to not have to be reliant on someone else to determine that number for me, to not have to worry about being paid inequitably, to not have to worry about working really, really hard. And then the price that you get for working really, really hard, is more work. Which a lot of times, it can feel like that in academia. that you like working, working, working. Oh, and you're so efficient. Then okay, here's more work. Instead of you work, work, work. Okay, you can take time off. You work, work work- okay, you can get this bonus. Work, work, work- okay, here's a pay increase. That's not common in higher education. So I want to be in control of my finances, or in better control of them. What better way then to be self employed?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Reason number five is- again, tying back to the things I mentioned earlier about wanting to take time off when I need to, without feeling guilty, without feeling like I'm burdening someone, without having to work a lot before taking that time off. Or work a lot after taking that time off. because all this stuff came up. There have been so many times I would try to take time off, and then there was a crisis. Something going on with someone, and having to either tame a fire or deal with the crisis or be there. Never really feeling like you could be completely 100% off the grid at any time. That's made it really hard to take time off. That's why I have accumulated so much sick and vacation time, because it was hard to take it while working.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I know people always say, take that time. But it's hard when you know that in order to do that, you've got to do the work in advance to be able to take that time off, so you don't fall behind. But then when I overwork- me, myself, when I overwork - it's not healthy for me. I get flare ups. I get sick. So then it's like leading up to it, I'm working, working working. Then I take time off and I don't even get to enjoy it, because during that time off, I'm feeling sick the whole time. You get what I mean? I know that's not the case for everybody. Most people do not have what I have, don't deal with the same circumstances. They aren't me. For other people, it's not a problem. But for me, it's important to be able to take time off without having to overwork myself.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Alright, reason number six- and this is related to moving abroad. It's to not have to be tied to one location, to be able to travel to be able to relocate, to move outside of California or move outside of the US. I think that's becoming more of the norm. There are actually more remote positions available, especially outside of academia. Within academia, I know of some institutions who are making a strong push, and being very inflexible, and forcing all of their employees to come back in person in the fall- which is this month for some institutions, next month for some institutions. So some places are being inflexible. Some places are being flexible, but still requiring some time on campus. And some positions are 100% remote. But even with 100% remote positions, a lot of them, most of them- because of tax implications- require that you stay in the US. So because I've got this plan of moving abroad and trying it out, it just doesn't make sense to keep a job in the US for now.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Reason number seven. Even right now, it's like, I feel like, I've got to try to waters carefully. There's always that worry of like, the el que diran. Que diran la gente. Like what if someone close to me, if one of my colleagues, or one of my students, if my mom, or whoever it is listens to this podcast, do I have to censor myself because of that? I'm reaching a point - and I say reaching, because I don't think I'm quite 100% there yet- where I don't want to have to censor myself.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I don't want to have to show only parts of who I am. I don't want to have to be afraid of institutional retaliation for what I say publicly. I want to be my full self. I want to be unapologetic. I want to know that people that listen to my podcast, listen to it because they can relate in some way, shape, or form. And they can relate to my authenticity, to me being me- not me being a certain, what's the word? A censored version of me. I don't want that. I'm tired of that. If I want to use a curse word, I want to use a curse word. If I want to call someone a mofo, I want to call them that. So I just don't want to have to worry about that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I have had those instances where I've been in settings- whether it's predominantly white spaces, or predominantly middle class spaces, or I don't know. It's just that vibe that you get if you're a person of color, if you're from a working class background, you know what I mean? Or if you're dealing with a disability, and you're with a bunch of folks who are not disabled, you know that feeling, where you can just sense that- the ableism, the sexism, the racism, the classism. And you don't feel like you can be your 100% - tired of that, not about that life anymore. I don't want to have to censor myself. That's reason number seven.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Reason number eight is to be a student again. Oh my goodness. While I make this transition- I haven't enrolled yet, and so I don't know exactly when I'm going to start. But I am planning to enroll in a coaching certification course. I can be officially ICF certified, so that I can have that be a certification that a lot of life coaches, academic coaches have to do this, in case I want to take that and do that full time. The thought of becoming a student again excites me. Yes, at the end of the day, I'm still a nerd. I still love learning. I still love reading and listening to speakers. I just love learning. I don't think that's ever gonna go away. And so to become a student, again, is very exciting for me.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I don't think I realized what a good student I was until I became an instructor. So all of y'all, if you haven't started TA-ing, if you haven't started teaching your own courses. Wait for that moment. It's going to be so interesting to you, because you're gonna realize- oh, wow. I was such a good student. Or oh, wow, I was not the best student. I gave those people a hard time. Oh, I'm so grateful for- I've got some of y'all. Some of y'all that listen to me. I know you're out there. I'm not gonna name names, but you know who you are. You know you gave me a hard time, and now you love me even more for it. You knew you were not on top of everything, and then always making things easy, easy. Now, you're on the other side of things and you're teaching and you can reflect on that. So I am excited to try being a student again, keep learning new tools, new skills, new concepts, new frameworks- just lots of mindset shifts, and to share that with you, to grow and grow publicly and help you grow, too. That's reason number eight.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Reason number nine- I've been referencing this- it's to live a more intentional life. What does that mean? That means taking on projects, taking on tasks that align directly with my values and ethics. That means not just doing things because they've been delegated, because it's a requirement, because higher ups or institutional policies require that you do it, because someone nominated you. No, it's to do things for you, and what is meaningful to you. And that's hard, because then that also means having to ask yourself, well, actually. What are my values? Actually, what are my ethics? Actually, what do I want to prioritize?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

A lot of us have been pursuing things, going to school, going to college, going to grad school, because of external factors, external reasons, external people telling you that you need to do XY and Z. But if you were to actually sit down and think about you, yourself, what you want, what you think is important. And then to be able to pursue a life where the things that you do reflect that, are aligned with that. I have the choice to do that right now. And I'm going to do that for as long as I continue to have the choice.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Maybe I won't. Maybe I will run out of saving, and things don't work out. You know, it's like that worst case scenario thinking, of like, think about the worst case scenario. I run out of money. My passive income streams don't work out. We don't like living abroad. I'm really unhappy. What then? Well, I can still get a job again. I can still move back again. I still have family who, no matter what I do, is going to be there for me and love me and help me out. Same goes with certain friends that I have, who are lifelong friends that I know I can count on. And the same goes both ways. It's like, if there's someone that's close to me, that's a loved one, something's going on, I will do whatever I can do to help them out. So because I can, and because I've been able to reflect on this, I'm choosing to live a more intentional life.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

All right, reason number ten- it's technically ten slash eleven- is to use my knowledge to serve more people. One thing that sometimes I would get frustrated with, with my current job is that you're funded to serve a certain amount of students. And that number is low. Most McNair programs are funded to serve anywhere from twenty- eight to thirty students. In the grand scheme of things, twenty- eight to thirty per institution is not a lot of people that you're reaching.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I'm grateful for the really strong bonds and ties that I've made with those students, and I think a lot of them, once they've become alumni, they've added me on my personal social media. They continue to be in touch, and they're amazing individuals. I love seeing how much they've grown and progressed. But at the same time, there's a part of me that's bummed, because there are so many equally amazing people out there that didn't get into McNair or didn't apply or found out about it too late, that also are just as worthy and deserving of getting this information and learning these skills and having this kind of fementorship. So with these very public and accessible platforms, I have that ability to reach more people. And if I pursue it with more time than I have been pursuing it lately- because there's only a very limited amount of time I have every week to dedicate towards the podcast. But if I have more time, that means I can do more. I can reach more people. That is meaningful to me too.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Then I said ten slash eleven. The big thing is that this is very risky, and I am trying something new. And I'm also very excited. I've never moved abroad before. I've traveled abroad. I've never moved abroad. I'm also excited for what that means, the implications that it has on the podcast. It may mean having more of a capacity to take on more guest speakers, or to collaborate with other people, collaborate with other public educators, with other podcasters, bloggers, solo entrepreneurs- however they refer to themselves- with other people who are doing similar work, to keep building community, to expand this venue outside of just the podcast. Expand it to a blog, expand it to other systems. Again, all in the name of increasing accessibility to this information that I've had the privilege to learn over the past- since 2006? So you do the math, that has been, what, fifteeen years. To share all that I've learned in the fifteen years that I've been in college settings.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I'm excited to give more uncensored advice. I am excited to be my full self, to be more intentional, to have more time to do the things that are meaningful to me, and to share that with you. So that is my podcast episode on why I'm leaving higher education. I may not be leaving completely. Maybe you might see me as a guest speaker for one of your programs for McNair, for Mellon. I've already got people sending me messages. Hey, since you're not going to be working for them, can you come speak to me, or to my students about X, Y, and Z? So yes, that's gonna be a thing.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I actually realized during the pandemic that I'm a big fan of speaking. Maybe it's my theater background, and the fact that I haven't done theater in a while. But I always really enjoyed that feeling, that rush, that high of public speaking. Yes, I still get nervous. Yes, I still have my mannerisms and things that I do that I can work on, like saying um too much, or whatever it is that I do- not making enough direct eye contact. I know there are things that I can work on, but I actually genuinely enjoy speaking, and doing public speaking- even more when it's live, and when there are folks who ask me questions.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I love answering questions. I used to dread questions, Q&A's- especially as a grad student. Oof, Q &A's when you're presenting your research, and then there might be someone in the audience that's trying to tear you apart. Well, now, when you get to decide what to speak on, when you're not relying on the university, per se, to pay all of your bills, it's nice to be able to just say things in an unfiltered way. And all with good intentions, with the intention of hopefully helping other people out.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

That's it. I'm done for today. Thank you for listening and I hope that you learned something from me and that you continue to learn as I navigate this transition. Thank you so much, and I'll talk to y'all later.