72: Finding Mentors and Building Community with Ana Barba

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Welcome, everyone. Today I am really excited, because we have another amazing guest speaker. Today we have Ana Barba, who is going to be talking to us all about finding mentors- from connecting with faculty, to overcoming the nerves, to going to office hours, and even developing relationships for letters of rec in the future.

Ana Barba

Yes, all the things.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

She's here to talk about all of that and more. So Ana, before we have you get started, I'm just gonna go ahead and read your bio to audience.

Ana Barba

Sure.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Ana Barba is currently a PhD candidate in Chicanx Studies at UC Santa Barbara. Her research project looks at the impacts of the use of metal detectors in K through 12. She received her BA in Ethnic Studies from Humboldt State University, and a Master's in Chicanx Studies from CSU Los Angeles, Cal State LA. She loves doing research, teaching and most of all, mentoring the younger generation to where they want to go. She's also the founder of the Latina Chica Speaks magazine- check it out- and podcast- listen to that- where you can find different podcast shows and categories from which to read articles from. So check it out at LatinaChicaSpeaksMagazine.com. Welcome, Ana.

Ana Barba

Yes, a lot of words, I would say.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

It's okay, mine too- Grad School Femtoring. I would love for you to just get us started with telling us a little bit about yourself, your background, backstory- anything you'd like to share.

Ana Barba

Sure. I'm Ana, and I was raised in Inglewood, California. My mom migrated here from El Salvador, and my dad migrated here from Tepatitlan, Jalisco. My mom's from San Salvador, El Salvador- from the capital, but more away from the city part of it. And my parents came here- well, my dad came here when he was about six or nine. I want to say six. But he had lost his mom around that age, so my grandfather had remarried. And my mom came in her early 20s, during the civil war in El Salvador, as a political refugee with my grandmother and her sister and her sibling.

Ana Barba

Growing up in Inglewood was kind of cool, because my dad grew up there, since they migrated there. A lot of the people in that area that we were in were from Tepatitlan, Jalisco. So some of them- if not all of them- already knew your family from te paso. It was like I didn't grow up in Mexico. My dad was undocumented. It wasn't easy for us to go and visit, so I don't have that experience with my Mexican side of the family. I don't have an understanding of the culture as much as other people do who get the opportunity to go back and visit family. My dad just couldn't. And he tried. A few times, we did get to go. I don't know how, I just got there.

Ana Barba

But I think that when my dad passed away a few years ago, and when I buried him, he requested he be buried in Mexico. And I want to say that, that was actually one of the first times I actually got to see how people communicate and share space with each other in that culture where my dad came from. So many things made sense about how my dad communicated with people, how you bonded with people, how he even started relationships with people. The reason I bring that up, too, is because my dad is a big influence as to how I network with people. He was my teacher on how to network or how to talk to people. How to request for resources, or how to politely request things when you go somewhere. Or just asking a worker how they're doing- something people rarely ever asked.

Ana Barba

I just think those are the kinds of skills, those people skills, are the reasons why I was a little bit more confident in approaching professors as an undergrad and as a grad student. But I think that if it hadn't been for my dad being like - oh, these people are not scary. You can totally talk to whomever you want. Just be kind, you know, be open- allowed me to have that confidence. But definitely, I don't think everybody has an outgoing parent who's like, I know everyone down the block and I know everyone in the city. When my dad passed away, everyone that I bumped into in that area would always say like - aye, tu papa would always talk about you. How's your PhD program? Or how's this? And I feel like oh my god. He talks about everything, you know.?

Ana Barba

When you're in that community, and you know all these people, you kind of start to realize, okay, you have a bond. It's not just these artificial connections, which I think you see a lot in the academia world, right? You kind of see people who are like, oh we're just acquaintances. Oh, we just work together. Oh, you're in the cubicle next to me. But I think my dad was like, nobody's worth that little bit of time. Everyone's worth every single minute of your time. I think that's where I learned how to bond with people and ask for stuff.

Ana Barba

And yeah, I grew up with public school experience. I was not in honors. I was not an AVID kid. I definitely was not on the roster of kids to go to college, let alone a kid that they even believed in getting a PhD. Even less so, I never thought I'd be getting my PhD. I think as a public school kid who just was not in the route of college, I always felt like I was just trying to figure out how to get there. Versus knowing that I'ma get there, and then just trying to figure out what I want to do. It was more like, what do I have to do to get there? That was already a challenge of its own.

Ana Barba

And I'm sure in your program, a lot of people come here because they are like me, a first gen college student who has no idea what we were doing, or what we're doing even half the time. We don't have no guidance of elders who have previously done this. So that was my experience. I wanted to quickly just add that even though I was not on a college track, it was never in my home, like you're not being driven to college, so you're not going. It was always, always, always, always, always, always you're going to college. It never really made sense to me, because they had no idea how to get me there. But it was always like, tu vas a ir.

Ana Barba

When college time came around, I just remember thinking, well, my parents believe me. I have to go. I have to figure out how. But I can't say that I had a school counselor, somebody who was tracking me. They just weren't, you know. Lastly, I fucking bugged the hell out of my honors and AVID and AP class friends. And I'd be like, who's in your classroom today? I saw someone came to speak. They'd go, oh the financial aid person. Oh, this person. I'd be writing it down. Because me and my best friend- who was another Salvadorian girl- we'd be like, there's no way we're getting shut out of this knowledge or these resources. We need to ask these questions. The cool part was that we were all friends.

Ana Barba

So it was like, yeah girl, this happened. They didn't realize that that knowledge they were getting was actually not being funneled out to everyone. That's how I actually ended up in college for my undergrad. It was me and my friends just doing anything and everything to figure out what it would take. Some teachers were like, oh, there's a fee waiver. Oh, there's this, or let me help you with your financial aid- which was really useful. But we would have never known what it was unless we had asked, right?

Ana Barba

So I think there's like a disconnect there. If you're in public school, you're a brown kid, you're poor. You're probably not going to be told how to get to college. To some people, that seems like it's easy. You just apply. It's not that easy for us. It's not even- we can't even fathom that yet. We barely know how to pay for an application, and we didn't even know we had a fee waiver until we hit financial aid. It's just a process that's so new, that we have no idea what's coming next really. Like what's next? And am I gonna make it? Am I gonna be successful at this? I have no idea what I'm doing.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

It's so wild to me, because I feel like a lot of us who are first gen, we have so many parallels in our stories. I mean, I don't talk about my own dad a lot. But he did have that positive influence for me too.

Ana Barba

Yeah.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Growing up, I was very, very shy. And my dad, I would call him perico, because he just wouldn't shut his mouth and because of that, he would be late to everything and make me late to everything.

Ana Barba

Oh my god, me and your dad- is he a leo? No, I'm just kidding.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Scorpio.

Ana Barba

Yeah, I feel him. That's my dad too. And I feel like, when people say- I'm sure they don't do that with you, because you're calladita. Pero, with me, they're like god, you're your dad's daughter. He molded you to exactly him.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

That's interesting, because we probably have similar fathers, but we're still not exactly the same. Like for me, my dad was always late to everything. Now, I'm super punctual. He was very, very outgoing. I still struggle to be fully outgoing. But I learned a lot of those skills of networking and community building from him. And same- like your parents, my parents were always like, I don't know how, but you're gonna figure it out. You're gonna find a way to go to college and get a job and do X, Y, and Z.

Ana Barba

Yes.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I wanted to actually- because it's really interesting and helpful to hear about your backstory of how you even got to college, and hearing about your dad's influence, hearing about growing up in Inglewood, and where your family's from, how far you've come. I'm curious how you got to where you're at now, in terms of grad school. What led you to pursuing grad school and your current Ph.D. program?

Ana Barba

I guess I should give a little bit of backstory to my undergrad experience. I did not enjoy my undergrad experience. As much as I did enjoy my friendships, I did enjoy the activism that I was doing to combat the horrible experiences or the uncomfortable environment we were in as people of color in northern cal, in a predominantly white, rural, in a forest- Humboldt State- community. And we are city kids. A lot of us were from LA or the Bay Area.

Ana Barba

I remember que I just didn't enjoy my time. I was actually a journalism major before a Ethnic Studies major, and I had a class that was one of my first journalism classes, one of the first ones. I remember I brought up something- it was at the time when they had Moodle. I don't remember if Moodle- it was like a little online thing where professors- I know we have that now. I don't know what it would be called now. They have a forum, and you would go and say- you know, the professor would ask a question, and you'd go and respond. This one was like a halfway into the quarter, what do you think the class is doing, or how it's doing or what you've been reading?

Ana Barba

And she was a pretty social justice, very critical, critically aware of how media influences people of certain ethnicities, or how it values white supremacy, or capitalism, or Christianity, at least in this country. I remember saying, I love everything we're reading. Everything's cool, blah, blah, blah. But my classmates sometimes say things that are insensitive to communities of color, or how they reference them. At the time, we had just made undocumented official, and to start calling people illegal aliens, that that was just a term that you needed to stop using. And the pushback was ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.

Ana Barba

So I said something like, I feel uncomfortable, and I hope that if my classmates plan to be journalists, that they figure out how to address these communities in a very empathetic and sensitive way. It led into a full like discussion of how I was trying to be a martyr for my people. I was trying to pull the race card on them- you know, predominately white kids, classroom. And it went on for months.

Ana Barba

I want to say, the professor personally called my cellphone that weekend and was like, stop answering these people. These people are freaking- she didn't say freaking. She was super educated or whatever. She was like, don't answer them. I'm watching, and I'm gonna handle it. And I'm 18. I'm like, okay, you're gonna handle it. And she couldn't handle that. You can't handle forty racist kids, or forty ignorant kids saying, we aren't doing anything wrong. You are just trying to find a problem. Racism is gone, and you're dumb or something. I remember I was in organizing already, so I had some of my friends come and see how they were treating me after that. Because after that, it wasn't cool. You know, I was getting mad dogged every day. People were like, rolling their eyes, scuffing if I even raised my hands

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

This was throughout taking the class, or did it stem after the class too?

Ana Barba

No, it was during the class time. Then I remember I had my friends come- we were a part of this women of color Liberation Army, which I wrote my Master's thesis on that experience. I had them stand on the wall on the class. The professor was like, I don't know why you did this, but because of everything that's going on, I'm gonna allow it. But don't do this again. I was like, whatever. That led to - I don't know if you guys remember MySpace, but it led to a MySpace war, because then they started a MySpace page saying, fuck this Latina and her fucking friends. They're fucking ridiculous.

Ana Barba

I started getting followed home because I lived- Arcade is really small. It's a small, small town. The college, you literally just walk over a bridge, and then it's apartments and houses and whatever. So I would walk home, and I remember seeing people follow me. Then it got really fucking serious. It got into the point where they started a freedom of speech campaign, and they had their campaign on the middle of the campus. People didn't even know it was connected to my class. They thought it was something else. Some people even thought it had to do with social justice. So they were like, yeah. And they were like, wait- you're against some brown- like, what?

Ana Barba

So they came to class to challenge me. They brought shirts and pins and made us read the preamble on how freedom of speech is allowed. And I was like, I never silenced you. I asked you to be considerate, and a little bit more educated about what you plan to do as a journalist who's going to be in my community. What are we talking about? It spreaded out, to the point where the chair of the department asked me, do you want to continue this course, or do you want to take it online? Or do you just want to withdraw?

Ana Barba

I was like, so that's it. Nothing happens to these students who have been absolutely ruthless to me. Okay. So I quit. I quit journalism there. I had a dream to be a journalist. I was set on it. But I had already taken ethnic study classes, and my friends were taking them- who I had made through EOP, the Education Opportunity Program. If anybody's listening, that's where the homies are made. Your ride or dies.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yes.

Ana Barba

Because we just have such similar backgrounds, that we understand sometimes what the struggle is, right? Anyways, that happened and I ended up in ethnic studies. So I didn't have a good time. By the time I got my Bachelor's- which I did in three years, because I had been begging my mom to let me come back to LA. And she was like, you're not transferring. I don't know what transferring is, and it sounds like you're fucking up. You're not coming back until you finish, type of thing. I finished in three years. I was taking like twenty-one to twenty-two units a quarter. And I was organizing, and I was working. Sometimes I was working three jobs to pay rent, and be able to go out to eat dinner with my roommates or something.

Ana Barba

I just remember graduating and feeling like I never want to go back to that place. Like, I hate academia. I hated the power trips with professors. I hated the fact that I wrote my heart and soul, and as an ESL kid, it was heartbreaking to get papers back and have them absolutely dissected and devoured with red pen. And saying like, what kind of writing is this? And feeling like, do I even belong? Imposter syndrome, right, just starts kicking in. Like, do I really belong here? I am an ESL kid. Maybe this place is not built for me, you know. And it is built for you. It's just, you're gonna work extra harder. Unfortunately, our educational system failed me. That's okay, I'm okay with that. Not that it's okay, but you have to work through that. So I quit for a year. I was in a CC, trying not to pay my loans and trying to finish one class that I needed to finish that I didn't know I had missed out.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Can you clarify- when you said you quit for a year, this was after finishing, or taking a break?

Ana Barba

Yeah, I took a break after my BA. But in between that, I took CC classes because I found out I was missing one elective class.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Oh, okay.

Ana Barba

I was like, really? So I ended up doing dance, or something ridiculous at the CC. But I ended up taking a Native American studies class and a Chicano Studies class, because I was like, if I'm gonna be at a CC, I might as well take things I want to take at the same time so I'm a full time student. In the Chicano Studies class, the professor was so much fun. Andrew Gonzon, if you're listening, you're amazing. And he had gone through the same Master's program at Cal State LA. I remember telling him I don't want to go to grad school. I'm horrible at test taking. Like, what are you doing? He was like, dude, you don't need a GRE score. You just need to apply. And that sold me. I was like, I can go back to school, and I can go into Chicano Studies. I can do what I want to do, and I don't have to take the GRE? Come again, what? Because I did horribly, horribly on the SATs. I took that shit twice, never made it even to a thousand. I was so embarassed.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Oh, I did horrible. I don't even want to look at the numbers. Same with the GRE.

Ana Barba

Yeah. For me, I was really nervous. But when I got my Master's- well, in between that time, I kept having nightmares about me having a paper due. And I would always wake up like, tengo que levantarme a hacer mi papel. I'd be like, you know wha? That means my subconscious really wants to write, and I think I'm missing something. And I read it and then I ended up in the Master's program in Chicano Studies- loved it, loved research, love doing every part - maybe not classes, because I know my classmates are probably like- girl, you complained through the whole time. And it's true. I was like a little complaining little person.

Ana Barba

I was like, why aren't we reading more recent stuff? Why isn't there more women of color? But like, valid points, guys. But I had a good time. And I thought that was the end for me with my Master's. I thought, I can teach now. Unfortunately, when I started applying to schools, I never had teaching experience because a Master's program just does not have room for that kind of teaching. Some of them do on their own, because they want to and they understand you need it. But you're working so hard just to get a Master's in two years that they're like you don't need to be TA-ing or having this kind of experience.

Ana Barba

So I wasn't getting callbacks, because it was like we have nothing to base your teaching experience on because you just don't have any. I felt so like, oh my god, I have a Master's in Chicano Studies, and I can't even teach as a professor because nobody believes in me? You know, and sometimes it is about network. Again, back to being a first gen, you just don't know anyone to hook you up with a job. So after a year of depression, I guess, I said, you know what? I'm gonna go back and get my PhD.

Ana Barba

I remember Andrew- as I just talked about- he was teaching at a CC in Chicano studies and just had his Master's in Chicano Studies. They told him that he needed a Master's in history or he just couldn't teach really anymore, because he needed a mainstream major on top of the Chicano studies- to be able to teach Chicano studies at a CC. Whatever. And I remember he was like, be warned or something. And then I was like, you know what? If I get my PhD in Chicano Studies, nobody can stop me from teaching Chicano Studies. How are you going to deny a PhD to teach Chicano studies. That makes no- that's an absolute lawsuit right there. And by then, hopefully I'll have the money to fucking sue somebody for that shit.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

That's right.

Ana Barba

But that's how I felt. So I ended up applying to PhD programs for that reason. I wanted to teach, and I enjoyed research. Then by the time I went into the PhD program, I fell in love with research and I fell in love with teaching even more. Being at a UC or UCSB as well, you know, we're at a research institute, and that's all what it's about. I don't want to say I'm fully sold on just research. But it definitely is nice to be in a school that has all those resources and focuses so much on that, because comparing even just libraries- like Cal State, even a CC library-it's embarrassing.

Ana Barba

And I remember being at the CC- because that's where all my friends from high school were- and I was thinking this library is shit. It is literally like the donations of a goodwill, basically, compared to the libraries I've been in, you know. It was unfortunate, because these are the kinds of libraries where people in CC are supposed to thrive, and these are my friends. I'm like, they deserve books that are way more current. They deserve more books than they already have. They deserve a three story library versus one.

Ana Barba

So just all those things took me back to a PhD for sure. I just thought, let's see if I can, and I got into one of five. I applied to five- I'll be honest- and I got rejected. I know a lot of people say oh, you get rejected all the time. The first time is always rejection. But the school that I got into, UCSB, was my top school aside from UCLA. It was like, asi, you know? UCLA rejected me, and I was so bummed about it. And I know you were a Bruin.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

It's okay. I went UCLA and I'm no longer there. So it's fine.

Ana Barba

I know- and I lived in LA, so it just made sense for me to stay.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yeah.

Ana Barba

Because then I could commute. But then, being at Santa Barbara, I realized I would have hated that commute.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Everything happens for a reason, yes.

Ana Barba

Yes, yes. And I enjoyed my time at UCSB. You're gonna ask me more, so go ahead.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I just wanted to react to everything that you're saying, because you've said so much, and I'm trying to process and reflect on it. I just first off, want to thank you, because the way that you're reflecting on your backstory, you're being so real and honest and raw and sharing- kind of unfiltered- your experience. I would consider what you experienced in undergrad as a nightmare scenario for any student of color. It's being attacked by white students. It's being at a primarily white, or PWI, institution, just complete and utter toxicity. And like you said- you said it. How did you say it? "The educational system failed me." And for a lot of individuals that would have resulted in them being pushed out, and leaving and saying, forget this, F this. I'm leaving.

Ana Barba

And it did, it totally did. I watched friends get pushed out of the university so quickly- and even have post traumatic stress from racist situations, not just on campus but outside.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And you telling me having nightmares about papers- that is to me, it could be considered a trauma response, or it could be considered PTSD. It could be considered whatever you want to call it.

Ana Barba

Right.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But you experienced toxicity, and the real truth, it can happen and it does happen to students of color. Yet, you took some time off, ended up going back to the classes, ended up getting your Master's, loving it. And now, realizing you want to go back. You want to teach and you wanted to get your PhD and you're enjoying the research. It's just really fascinating to me, because there's the good, the bad, the ugly. You've been sharing some of the ugly, but you're also sharing the reasons why you're still here.

Ana Barba

Yeah, I mean, PhD program- we haven't even, I haven't even dug into how nightmarish that process is.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Oh, yeah. That's a whole separate podcast topic, which we might have you come back to talk about.

Ana Barba

Yes, but I wanted to be honest about the fact that that is also there.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I think a lot of us have experienced it.

Ana Barba

Even though I went through what I went through, I don't think I was still prepared for what grad school is- what it entails aside from just your courses, right?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yup.

Ana Barba

There's a whole other experience. I'm sure it's all over your show, so you guys check it out. Find the resources to get you through those things.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

You keep mentioning some of the folks that have helped you along the way. This brings us to the topic today of finding mentors.

Ana Barba

Yes.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

You know, I would love to hear more, like your approach on finding mentors, on connecting, and even just getting yourself out of your little shell and putting yourself out there.

Ana Barba

Yeah, my shell. Definitely from the experience with undergrad, for sure, in grad school, I became very, very defensive. I put my wall up really high, with not just people but with faculty and even workers in the department. Because I felt like I had gone through so much and nothing was done by the administration, that I felt like- I can be friends with these people, but I cannot fully trust or believe that these people are gonna have my back 100% the entire time I'm here. I have to protect myself.

Ana Barba

Unfortunately, I was very right. And I wish I wasn't. I really wish- as a matter of fact, I thought that going into Chicano studies where a bunch of people were gonna look like me was going to be the best decision ever, because people weren't going to be cutthroat or there wasn't going to be competition. Or just this bubble idea that everybody's about everybody being successful, and about helping everybody getting out. And that's just unfortunately not true. I don't know what it is- if it's the university setting, if it's the politics. I just don't know what makes it that way. And I just remember being uber protective about that. So when I started talking to faculty- for my program, you come in with one faculty member already your advisor, which is your main person who's gonna guide you.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So that's determined right when you go in, you know who your advisor's gonna be?

Ana Barba

Yeah. When you write your your application, normally the best thing you can do- and if you guys are writing your applications next year, because I think we're done now- or at the end of this year, I guess. You want to put in there at least three professors you would potentially work with, because the idea is you want to go into the department where people are going to help you. If you don't find similarities, or a way for faculty to help you with your project- maybe that's their specialty, or they're around that area.

Ana Barba

If you don't have anyone to help you with your project, you're not gonna get in- not because your project isn't amazing. It's probably super amazing. Unfortunately, if there's no faculty to guide you, and help you, what's the point of you being in that department, when all you're going to feel is you're by yourself, and nobody can give you the resources, or guidance, or theories, or any of these things that you need in order to make your research progress. So when I applied, I wrote these different people I wanted to work with and then they told me, one of them was going to be my advisor.

Ana Barba

Some programs allow for that to change. I did change mine. It didn't go as well as I thought it was gonna go. Anyways, that's not the person I wanted to talk about. I actually wanted to talk about a person that I ended up feeling like we were very much alike, which is Dr. Inez Talamantes from religious studies. She started the Native American and Indigenous Studies, religious studies, Native American traditions, religious traditions, minor and major. That was my BFF. That was familia.

Ana Barba

When I started at UCSB- back in early 2013, or something crazy like that- one of my best friend's little sisters, who was my best friend. She was my best friend my entire time from middle school to high school- one of her younger sisters went to UCSB. When I got to UCSB for my PhD, she was like Ana, I'm getting my BA. And I was like, yay. She was like, but I have someone you need to meet. I was like, okay, and she was like, there's a woman in religious studies- Chicana, indigenous woman- who wants to meet you. She heard there's a PhD Chicana in town, and she wants to meet you. She needs to know who you are.

Ana Barba

And I was like, okay, porque we were raised with parents who are very much about our culture and our tradition. So I knew- okay, I need to do whatever she says, because she definitely knows what's up and I need to be respectful of this. I went to go meet Inez with her, and it was like a match made in heaven. Of course, if anybody ever met Inez Talamantes, your heart would melt for this woman. She is such a sweetheart. When I met her, she was like mija, I've been hearing you're here. I wanted to meet you, because you're in Chicano Studies. You know, if things go awry, or you need help, I'm always here. My door is always open.

Ana Barba

I was like, okay, okay. I'm not in this PhD program in religious studies, but I could still potentially have her on my committee. And I remember, she was so sweet. She was like, mira- and she was very down and honest. She was like, mira. This is gonna be hard work, y no te tienes que olvidar de onde vienes. You have to do everything that they say, as they say it. You know, learn or whatever. Pero never forget who you are. Never forget where you came from. And I remember I told my dad- because at the time, she was 83 years old when I started. I remember I told my dad, dad conoci una muchacha, a una senora, right? Es maestra, and me quiere ayudar. Y no se, I don't know. I'm gonna try to work with her.

Ana Barba

My dad was like, how old is she? I was like, eighty- three. And he goes like, oh! Y ya estado trabando... Mira, mija, tu le vas a ayudar con todo. He was like, mira mija. You're gonna learn from this woman. She's gonna have all the knowledge you need. She's been there for so long, and she is a woman of color. She's gonna teach you the ropes. You need to listen to everything she has to say. You need to help her with anything she needs, and you need to learn whatever you can from her. Best advice my father could have ever given me, because that woman was such a blessing. She's part of my committee. Even though she has passed- she passed right before COVID, before I moved out. And it was one of the cutest things, during my- hold on.

Ana Barba

So my dad, he told me to work with her and I remember que when I started working with her, she ended up in my committee. Day of my defense of my committee to advance so that I can go to do the research- my MA- she came in with a piece of foil. And I was like, que trae Inez? Then I did my presentation, and everybody was like, this is a great project. Move forward. Go do the research. Go into the field. And she's like, wait, I have something to say. You know, she's not my main committee member. My main committee is Edwina Barvosa, amazing woman. I don't have time to talk about the amazing thing she's done for me.

Ana Barba

But for Inez, she was like, tengo que decir algo. We're like, que paso? She unwraps the fucking foil, and there's a chile quemado in there. She was like, I just wanted to remind you- because when I read this, it sounded really white. And I just want to remind you, wherever you end up, that this is who you are. Never forget that. Try your best at what you do, but never forget who you are. And I was like, she's so freaking crazy and silly. But I understood what she meant, because there's not that many of us up here.

Ana Barba

Women of color with a PhD are rare, so rare. Women of color as a professor then, is even rarer. So for her, she was just like, do you, but never forget who you are, because these students are going to need you. She was a great mentor. She was a great example of that. And I worked with her for like $20 or something a week. I would just help her check her emails and stuff. But in those conversations we would have every morning- we would get our coffee, and a little- I forget what it was- a bear claw. She loved these bear claws. Oh my god. Y era diabetica, so I wasn't the best influence either. My parents are both diabetic- well, my dad was diabetic. He passed from that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I'm sorry.

Ana Barba

The conversations we had all the time- as a matter of fact, she was really close to her dad and he had passed. So a lot of our conversations were about the heavy amounts of love we had for our fathers. When I lost my dad, I lost her a little bit after. It was really interesting. But I just always went back to how beautiful she talked about her dad, and how I eventually wanted to have the opportunity to share stories about my dad and not feel like breaking, and being like oh, he's not here- kind of like being more at peace with it.

Ana Barba

So she gave me so many more resources, beyond just the academic world and that is an amazing mentor. Now, is every mentor you're gonna find on campus like that? No. And you need to know there's different kinds of mentors. Like, I have mentors who are just strictly for academic stuff. They don't want to hear your personal stuff. They don't want to hear how you're struggling with your emotional or your whatever. They just want to read your stuff. And that's great. I appreciate that.

Ana Barba

Other professors are more in tune. And unfortunately, a lot of them are women of color, who will ask the more tougher questions. Like, how are you balancing this? How are you doing? Are you seeking therapy? Because going through loss, of course, you should be seeking therapy. I think those are the kinds of questions that I don't think male professors often ask, or white professors- white male professors, even, who dominate the university still. Those are not the kinds of questions most of them will ask. Some will. I'm not even going to fake it, because there is good white professors.

Ana Barba

But it's just really difficult to go through what you go through without people understanding. You know, diabetes in the Latino community, hello.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yea.

Ana Barba

Such a huge problem. Both my parents have it. So losing my dad to it was kind of like a wake up call. Like, hey, this is an issue in our community. You're not any different than- not to, like, shame myself, and be like, don't be sad because everybody else is going through it. But more like, there's an issue here. And you know, it's part of the medical industry system that maybe failed my dad in some ways. Although my dad had his own downfalls so.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yeah, one thing I'm hearing from you that comes to mind for me is, sometimes we don't know when you're reaching out for a mentor, what kind of mentor they're going to be.

Ana Barba

Right.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Are they going to be receptive to things? You might share something personal- what's going on with your family's health, or passing of your dad- and like you said, you don't know. But it's more often than not, that it's women or women of color who are providing this kind of feminized labor. It's the white professors, or the male professors, who- like you said- they're just there for academic support only, and that's it.

Ana Barba

For school- do the academic, do the research.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

They don't ask the holistic questions, like how are you? Making sure that your mind, body, spirit is okay.

Ana Barba

Right.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

For me, I always wonder- because when I was an undergrad, I struggled with finding mentors- and finding good mentors.

Ana Barba

Yes.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I guess, because I was an English major in a predominantly white department, every time I met with someone, I felt like- they made me feel like I was bugging them.

Ana Barba

Yes.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Not that I felt- they made me feel like I was wasting their time. And so I'm wondering, what advice you would give to students of color- that maybe they are feeling discouraged, especially a whole year and a half of being on Zoom world, and feeling like no one's responding to their emails. They can't just go to a physical office for office hours. How do they make these connections?

Ana Barba

Yeah. Well, as an undergrad, I think I remember feeling like- why aren't more professors more understanding? Why aren't they more empathetic- from my lens, from my experience, from where I'm at. As a grad student, now, seeing the professor position and seeing what they're balancing, what they're going through, or who they are- some people are just introverted. They really have an amazing, amazing way of doing research, but they have a horrible way of being social, or even communicating with people, or working with students, working with colleagues.

Ana Barba

At first, I used to think, damn. Shouldn't they go to a training or something? But putting myself in that position, I think everybody should be allowed to be themselves in the university. If you're an introvert, and you just cannot communicate with people- or let's say you have ADHD, or you're autistic, or something, and you just communicate differently than what other people are used to. Then people can perceive it - like myself- as like, damn, that person sucks or something, right? Or that person just doesn't want to talk with people. In reality, they're just having a tough time engaging in a social space or in a social environment. So sometimes you got to catch these people alone, you know. Yeah, if they're not answering their emails, or during office hours, they obviously look like they have a thousand other things they're worrying about, they probably do.

Ana Barba

Unfortunately, I don't want anybody to think that everyone can be a mentor. I've had people tell me, they've never even found one professor that helped them. And some people find workers on campus. I remember one of the ladies from financial aid became a really good friend of mine, and she would invite me to her home and she would make me breakfast or something. That was really useful. But was she my professor? No, but she had gone to Harvard, and didn't finish her PhD program. So she had a lot of resources and advice that she wanted to give me that I wasn't getting from the professors. But I was getting from her, because she felt like, I didn't make it because it was a lot going on. But I think you're smart enough to make it to grad school, and I want you to know these things.

Ana Barba

That's the one thing that I will say. Don't ever think that mentorship only can come from a professor on campus, because that's just not true. I mean, you're in the McNair program. You're a prime example of someone on campus who is not a professor but has the most resources that anybody could need for grad school, or for schooling, or for academics, right? I think that people just don't do that. They don't realize that they have programs or people out on campus that stem beyond the department you're in.

Ana Barba

But you do need someone from your department. And that's the hung up, because you try to find someone and you don't know how to communicate, or how to bond with these people. Like I said, I thought I could make community with anyone. I thought If I'm nice enough, and I just say hello, and I'm courteous and respectful, they should want to help me. That's just not true. But if you keep showing up to their office hours, and you keep talking with them- even though maybe last week, they were having a really fucked up week, and they were overwhelmed. But maybe this week, you caught them, and they're like, totally in tune with whatever the hell you're talking about this week. That day, you want to ask them, would you be interested in being a mentor for me? I'm having a tough time. On those good days, you want to catch them, and you want to ask.

Ana Barba

Now if they say, I have too many students. I have too much going on. Believe me, they do. They really do. I think that as a grad student, you have the opportunity- and I don't want to be like, you're gonna be there forever. But I've been here for almost ten years, so kinda. But sometimes those advisors you really want to work with don't have room for you when you first walk through the door. But then students graduate at the end of the year, and let's say two of them graduated from that person's cohort, or whatever students they're mentoring. All of a sudden, there's this room for people. And you come back and you're like, hey, remember me? I came here last year. I came here three years ago. I'm still here. You want to mentor me? I know so and so graduated. They might say, yeah, I have the time now.

Ana Barba

Or no, I just don't see myself in this project. I don't know how I can fit into this project. That's something else you gotta be okay with. If somebody says, I don't see how I fit in- but you do. You totally see how they fit in, but they don't. Don't push it. Because at the end of the day, that's gonna be a horrible working experience, because you're forcing something onto someone. Eventually, they're just gonna hate you or be bitter, or just not even put the kind of energy that someone who would love to be part of your project, who would love the idea, who wants you to do the best project ever, will give you- versus someone who's half assing, and being like, well, she wanted a mentor.

Ana Barba

That's just for grad school. As an undergrad, take anyone. Anyone who's willing to help you- knock yourself out. But also just recognize that not everyone is going to mentor you the same, and not everyone's going to mentor you on the same things. But at the end of the day, you want to kind of have a balance. Like okay, this person I can talk to about my personal life. This person I can talk to about grad school. This person I can talk to about writing essay. You kind of start picking out who's what.

Ana Barba

But again, for someone who has a tough time approaching people, I think this is scary, to think- oh my god, I have to find five different people to do five different things for me. That's just not what I'm also saying. But I am saying that's a full advantage, and you should try to. But if you only can find one mentor, and that's all you can do, that's fine. Take advantage of that one mentor, advisor. But try to have more than one. Try to go outside of your department. Try to just look in other places for people to help you, because they're out there and they're going to help you in ways that you just didn't imagine.

Ana Barba

Inez Talamantes, again, was not in my committee at the beginning, was not in my department. I would have never found her had not my friend's sister known her already. But showing up at her door was the best decision I could have ever made. So even when you don't know somebody, and somebody says, oh, I know somebody who can potentially help you. Take it up. It might be an Yvette. It might be an Inez. It might be an Ana. You never know. That might be the person you end up vibing the best with, and you might vibe with them for the rest of your career, who can potentially help you. I have some people who I still connect with from undergrad, one of them being the woman from financial aid. I still talk to her, and she still gives me feedback.

Ana Barba

Some people are willing to ride or die for you too, to ride for years and years and years. And some are not. Just feel it out. Like my dad taught me to always be nice, always be appreciative, always be grateful. People appreciate you just telling them- thank you for giving me this time. Thank you for reading, listening. Never forget to say thank you. People work their booties off to give you feedback. When you don't say thank you and you just kind of walk away, that's the one thing I will say- don't do that.

Ana Barba

Always, always say thank you. Always make sure you let them know that you appreciate everything they've done, because in the position in academia, we're just overworked. Like any other - I'm sure- like any other occupation. We all say we're overworked, but we really are overworked. So if we look at an application or an essay or whatever, just know we really did take the time out of our day to do that.

Ana Barba

Sometimes you're not even my students anymore. And I'm like, sure. I'll read your history essay. But because they've build that bond with me, and they keep coming back, that's why I do those things for them. If they weren't bonding with me, then why am I checking your essay for history, right? But when you make those connections, those really are those genuine connections, you know? Yeah. Tienes otra pregunta? I hope I answered it.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I feel like you really addressed everything. But I just want to kind of sum up some of what I got, like the key takeaways.

Ana Barba

Yeah.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I like that you said to not take things personally. Sometimes, just that time that you meet with someone, you never know. Like, I'm super awkward in groups. I am introverted, and I own it. It's fine. I'm really good one on one. So it's just like, okay, don't take it personally- however people react to you meeting with them in whatever setting you're in. You don't know what they're going through. You don't know what their personality is like. Don't take it personally.

Ana Barba

Yeah.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Then, two, I really like that you said to think about different people outside of just professors as mentors. I know we have mentioned, how do you secure a mentor? We usually refer to faculty.

Ana Barba

Yes.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But thinking about staff members, thinking about peers- you know, there's peer mentorship. That's a thing.

Ana Barba

Yeah.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Thinking about TAs, grad students. There's so many different - even, I've heard of folks who have made connections with custodians or janitors. They become friends with them, and they're there as your cheerleader, giving you that pep talk. Tu puedes, you got this. Conte las pilas. That helps too. That's emotional [support.]

Ana Barba

It's absolutely true. Like, at UC Santa Barbara, when I was studying for my Master's- you have an exam that you take for eight hours, four hours per day. We had to read a bunch of like stuff, and I remember, sometimes we would read on campus in one of the rooms. And the custodians would come in, and they'd be like, que tienes? Que hacen? Or whatever. They'd clean and we'd tell them. They'd be like, okay, ahi las veo.

Ana Barba

And years passed, and they'd always ask, ya terminaron? Ya terminaron? Or one thing was, I hated one of these people in the building that I worked in. That woman just bothered me all the time. It was always an issue of just like ignoring my living, my presence, and I hated that. I hate when people just do not acknowledge you, because it's just the worst feeling to have someone not even acknowledge your existence. So I remember I was telling one of the custodians, because she had just walked by. You know, nose up and just like ignored me.

Ana Barba

I told him, mira, vistes eso? Ella trabaja conmigo, y ella ni me hace caso. And I remember, they were like, esa? Aye, esa es bien... You know, they dropped dimes on her. They dropped dimes on her. Obviously, they dropped dimes on so many things. I remember I was like, okay, I'm not crazy if the workers themselves do not like her because of the way that she behaves, or that she handles certain situations in which they're part of. So when I expressed myself, they were like, ay. Ni te preocupes por esa, porque, you know.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yeah.

Ana Barba

Then I'm like, oh thank you. Or just different things. I feel like the Spanish, it keeps running away from me, because there's less and less Spanish being spoken around me. So the workers on campus- and even in my apartment complex- I'd always talk to them in Spanish, and I remember some of them would be like ya parale de hablar asi por que. They'd be like, yo quiero, I remember one guy was like, I'm trying to be a manager. I'm trying to move up and I can't speak in Spanish. I need to learn English. And I was like, okay, pues, hablamos en ingles, you know, no mas.

Ana Barba

But I felt like that was when I felt comfortable on campus, when I feel at home. Or when I was homesick really, or when I felt like, fuck this place. I don't feel like I belong and why am I here? Then bumping into a custodian, and them saying like, ay. Que bueno que estas aqui. Como te va? You can't really tell them you're having a bad time, because to them they're like, this is the best opportunity ever for you. We work these shitty as jobs and we love seeing people that look like us make it in places like this, versus us being the outsiders. When they see us being on the other end, with power in their opinion, it makes them happy. For me, it was just a matter of feeling like okay, I feel at home. I feel like I'm in in my environment. I feel in community, because they get me. Or they're speaking in Spanish, and I miss that.

Ana Barba

Sometimes even those people become family, just people who can be supportive in ways that- you don't need it to be so uberly in your face, like aye- how can I help you? But it's more like, la porra.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yeah.

Ana Barba

Like you said, la porra itself, just being happy for you and rooting you on when you see them, it makes a difference.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yeah.

Ana Barba

You know, on those bad days, when I just didn't know if I was gonna make it for the next week, just seeing them made me go home and rethink everything and be like, you know what? This is what I want to do. As hard as this is right now, nothing compares to- my mom works at a factory, and my dad is undocumented. So they struggled as well. A lot of that reflection also goes back to our parents and how hard they worked. I've never had to work a laborous job, and so I'm very privileged in that way. To make complaints sometimes feels like- and I think this goes back to women of color feeling like you can do everything, and we can't. That's really the reality, we can't.

Ana Barba

But the idea that we have to take up these burdens, you know. I don't want to say oh, siempre I can make it. But to the very least, I know that I come from very strong women, a strong legacy, right? My mom in general, to come here in the 20s. I didn't mention this, but when I wanted to transfer back from my BA to LA and finish, my mom came to Humboldt and drove a crazy amount of hours. She basically told me, I'm not letting you transfer because she knew it had to do with racism, me facing racism and never having experienced that in LA at the level that it was at. And she was like, look. When I first got here, I cleaned houses, and I got spat at. I didn't only get spat at by adults, I got spat at by their children, and I went back the next day to work.

Ana Barba

So if you want to be upset about these people in your classroom, don't- because they're nobodies. They're not paying your rent, and they're not going to change anything. You need to do your education and graduate and prove these people wrong. That just stuck with me, you know. Was I upset with my mom? Yes. Did I understand what she was trying to say? Yes, because she was my age at that point. Well, she was like twenty-one when she was here. But that was her experience. So this is nothing compared to this. Although we shouldn't be comparing PTSD, basically, trauma. But, I felt like I understood what she was trying to say though. Like, we're going to better our family.

Ana Barba

You don't need to go through these fucked up situations and let that affect you the way it's affecting you, because I didn't when I was going through far worse than you - and in a position where you can be deported or fucking just completely erased from this place in any second. So yeah, those are the things you reflect on. Then when you're there, people who are the workers will tell you their stories similar to that. And you'll think about your parents, or you'll think about your family, and you'll say, damn. I'm very privileged to be here, and I want to better these communities. I hope that whatever I do brings the resources, so that more individuals can get a better living experience, a living wage that you can make it in.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

What you're saying is just reminding me about the importance of storytelling, of oral histories.

Ana Barba

Yeah.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Of knowing or thinking about mentoring outside of just the formal relationship. But actually, there are a lot of individuals out there who may not have a formal education, who can still be your mentor, can still be part of your community.

Ana Barba

Yeah, my daddy was a prime example.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yes.

Ana Barba

He didn't get far in schooling, but he was very smart. He did construction and he did different- he actually did various occupations. And I always felt like- how the hell does this dude learn a new job, occupation? Other people want to get certificates before they feel confident to do it. As a person who's undocumented, you got to make things work. You become this chameleon of skills. So yeah, I agree. There's people who have resources for you that never went into the university, and you also have to consider those. And you haven't even mentioned this- family, like your parents. I know I called my mom all the fucking time, to the point where my dad one time was like, stop calling your mom. You're freaking her out, she's freaking out. You're having a bad time, and now she's having a bad time. Stop telling her you're having a bad time. And I was like, okay, I won't tell my mom that I'm having a bad time. I'll keep it to myself.

Ana Barba

But that was who I felt comfortable telling all these problems too, and she was just overwhelmed. So in other ways, I also realized- to close all this off- sometimes it's not mentorship you're looking for. It's therapy. And I unfortunately didn't look for therapy. I have anxiety and panic attacks, and I had them all through undergrad. I always thought it was because I was a first gen, that I just was freaking out. My body was just responding...

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Oh my gosh, same.

Ana Barba

Because I'm so new, and I don't know what I'm doing. Then when I got into my Master's program, I was with my now wife. Her family was like- they work in the medical industry. They were like, dude, you're having panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Do you know what this is? And I'd be like, no, I don't. What? Huh? Then I started seeking help. I wish I had seeked help before, as an undergrad. It would have helped in so many ways. It's okay. It happens the way it was supposed to happen.

Ana Barba

So as a grad student, I think you have to make that decision. If you are not feeling okay, go seek therapy. Go seek counseling. And if you don't find someone who works for you, keep going. Keep going. I know doing that during grad school is hard, even at the beginning. But trust me, throughout the experience, throughout the years, you're going to appreciate that you have seeked help elsewhere. Because you can't do this by yourself, you really can't. At the moment, I'm taking time off. I'm almost done, and I had to take it off because of my dad's passing and Inez' passing. I just felt like I needed a break, and I gave myself that opportunity.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And you deserve it. Everybody has their own timeline, you know.

Ana Barba

Thank you. Yeah, so just listen to yourself and take care of yourself, because there's no point to graduating with your degrees if you're gonna come out fucked up.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yeah.

Ana Barba

You can't function that way. Don't like overdo it to the point where you just can't even work, because you fucked yourself up emotionally, mentally, physically, all these things.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yup.

Ana Barba

That's the last thing I'll say. It's pretty intense, but it really is another part of surviving. It's part of the mentoring, but it's a different kind of mentor, because you pay them and you're there to pay them. But unfortunately, sometimes our problems are a lot, especially in grad school. And I realized that when my mom felt overwhelmed that, okay. I need to go back to therapy, and I need to talk to someone who gets paid for this and who can help me and listen to me. And I won't feel this huge burden of like, oh my god. Is my mom gonna have a mental breakdown because I'm having a mental breakdown?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Yeah.

Ana Barba

But then you learn how to talk to them and still tell them things, but not to the point where they feel like, oh my god. She's not okay, or something- which my mom felt a lot of the time. I was okay. I just think that I was on the verge of mental breakdowns. That's just grad school for some reason. It's just one of the hardest things you can really commit to. Even though I had a Master's already and I had already gone into a Master's program, I'm being 1,000% honest. It didn't make it any easier to do my PhD. It's been just as hard, if not harder. So you can be as prepared as you want, but sometimes the experience is just bigger than yourself and you need to seek help so that you can survive.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I think we all could benefit from professional- formal and informal- forms of support. So I'm constantly reminding students, if you have access to resources and to mental health resources in particular, definitely take advantage of them. We can all benefit from it. I think that's a great way to wrap things up

Ana Barba

Yes.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

One last question for you, just before you go. How can my listeners connect with you? If they resonated with you, want to be in touch, want to follow you, how can they reach you?

Ana Barba

They can reach me - of course- on the website. We have a contact form at LatinaChicaSpeaksMagazine.com. I'm already getting tongue tied too. You can also email me at LatinaChicaSpeaks@gmail.com. Whatever you guys want to ask. You guys can also check out- which is a secreto, but I'll let it out of this bag. Yvette's gonna be on my show at Intersectional Convos, which is another podcast that we have for the magazine.

Ana Barba

We have three different podcasts- one for the magazine, one comadreando hour, one intersectional conversations so.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

You stay busy.

Ana Barba

I stay busy, girl. But check that out. You'll be on there. So if you have other questions about the university, check Intersectional Convos out. It's a really good podcast, and the IG page is so cute. I think that a lot of us- like yourself- we enjoy leaving even little resources and little gold nuggets in our feeds, in our grid. Even beyond just the podcast episodes, we have way other stuff going on in the IG. And on the website, of course, we share everything. So just sign up to our email list. Maybe you want to make sure you follow everything I do on there, because we have a bunch of things going on. But thank you so much for having me again.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Thank you so much, Ana.