51: No Means Next: On Grad School Rejection

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Happy Friday, everyone. You may have noticed that I didn't publish an episode last week. It's been a very busy couple of weeks for me. I still feel like I am adjusting to this new lifestyle of being a work from home slash homeschooling mom to two kids, one of them a baby and breastfeeding slash pumping a baby. I don't know what it was about last week, but it just felt very, very busy and I did not have the capacity to do the recording. I had to just take it easy and be gentle with myself and be okay with missing a week. Hopefully it wasn't too big of a deal for my listeners.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

I know I have some new listeners. I have been checking my stats, and my numbers are rising which is interesting, because I haven't been doing anything major to increase my numbers, but somehow the word is spreading. I'm really grateful to you all for listening. Last week, I was actually going to record on the topic of rejection and it just didn't happen. And it was really funny because I actually then later on received a message on Instagram by someone with a username @BrazilRemedy. She suggested talking about rejection and redirecting rejection or reframing rejection. I just thought it was such a coincidence that that was exactly the topic I was going to bring up for this next episode. I decided to put it on hold for a week and then I realized, wow, someone actually wants to hear about this.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

I have a few thoughts about rejection or receiving no's, and what to do when that happens, and why so few people talk about it and why it makes us feel uncomfortable. When it comes to grad school, the first thing I want to say when it comes to that, to the word. I don't even like the word rejection, I just want to put that out there. I don't like the word rejection, because I feel like it has such a strong negative connotation and association. Similar to failure, a lot of us don't like that word. It just induces a lot of feelings of shame, and I just want to kind of normalize it and tell you that when it comes to grad school, rejection is common. Rejection is to be expected. If you've applied to graduate school, this cycle or in the past- well, if you've applied this cycle, you probably should expect that you will receive at least one no. The same is true if you've applied, you most likely received at least one no. That's just the process, because there's no such thing as a person that is a perfect fit for every single school out there, you know.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

That's the one thing I want to say is we don't talk about it enough. People only talk about their successes. It's very rare when people actually share their "failures," the times that they've received no's. If you did see that, it would be quite enlightening. I mean, I have heard of folks who have shared their life CVs that include all of the no's, all of the rejections they got, and then the yeses, and you'd be surprised. The most successful people have received the most no's. And so, rejection- why is rejection so hard? Well, first of all, it tends to induce a lot of feelings that we don't want to experience. A lot of folks will experience shame. They'll experience jealousy, loneliness, anxiety. These are all things that come up when you get that- let's say it's that email. You apply to a program. You're anxiously awaiting news. You open up the email, we regret to inform you or unfortunately or due to the high number of x. And you just know they're saying no to you, even if they literally do not use the word no in the body of their email, you know that the no is coming. You know that what they are implying is that you did not get selected.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

It's hard to take that in. I mean, there's a part of you that wants to kind of put it away. Close that email, not look at it, just pretend that you didn't see it, not talk about it, not face it. Because it's shameful. Then you go to grad cafe, and you start hearing about other people who are getting interviews, who are getting in, and then there goes that feeling of jealousy or envy, like well, what did they have that I didn't have? It's almost like it eats up at that feeling of, well, maybe I'm not worth it. Or maybe I'm not good enough. Or maybe it was true, maybe I am an impostor. It's just these feelings that you've had.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

All of these feelings, the jealousy, the loneliness, the anxiety, the shame, they're actually completely normal feelings to have. So if I can say anything, it's I want to remind you to allow yourself to feel these things, and to take the time that you need to feel them. For some, and maybe a day, a couple of days, a week, or a couple of weeks. Take the time you need to feel your feelings. And then after that, it's okay to share. It's okay to tell others what's going on. You don't have to tell the whole world.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Recently, I was listening to a podcast called Brown Ambition. I listen to this podcast, it's about financial literacy, and it's two women of color- two black women- who are the hosts. One of them mentioned the quote, "The antidote to shame is voice." And I was thinking about that with regard to rejection and feeling ashamed of being rejected. I was like, that is so true, because if you talk about it, if you put it out there, then all of a sudden, it's not as big of a thing anymore, because then you realize, wow. I'm not alone. Look at all these other people who got no's. Look at all these other folks who are doing great, who are happy, who are successful, however you define success and they got a lot of no's. In fact, I mean, I have received so many no's. I received a lot of no's. In fact, I didn't get into the McNair program. I'm the associate director of a McNair program, and I myself was rejected by McNair, by the program when I was an undergrad. I remember I was devastated at the time, because I thought I was such a good fit for the program. I was so committed, and I thought I would do anything to be a McNair Scholar, it just seemed like such a great program. And I was envious of the folks who did get into McNair. But it's okay, you know, it worked out. I was able to move on to the next thing. The next thing for me happened to be the Mellon Mays program. But even if that wasn't there, there would have been something else.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

The other thing I want to mention is that- this is true for myself too- but a lot of us have been conditioned to need external validation. It takes so much unlearning for you to be okay with validating yourself and with feeling worthy without having to have those external factors or achievements and things like that. Alot of us were raised to be people pleasers, and so we want to keep getting these awards and these accolades and make others proud, but you don't necessarily need to get into graduate school right away. You don't necessarily need to have someone else validate that the work that you've done has been good work, that it's worthwhile for you to continue doing it in graduate school.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

If you're really serious about pursuing an advanced degree, then go ahead and prepare for another cycle. It's okay to apply again. I remember meeting someone when I was in grad school, who she told me that she applied, I think the first time to graduate school- I don't remember how many. It must have been under 10 schools, and she didn't get in anywhere. So then the next year, she did her homework. She revised her materials. She tried to do things to add to her CV to fill the gap that she had. She then met with people that she wanted to work with, met them in advance, did informational interviews, and then she ended up applying to close to 20 schools the second round. Then not only did she get in the second time around, but she had multiple offers. At that point, she had learned so much that she learned about negotiating, and she negotiated her funding offers, and she got a really good package with summer funding, and ended up at one of her top choice schools. It just goes to show you that like, just because someone says no to you one time, doesn't mean that it's not going to work out for you.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Let's say this time around, you apply to grad school, and all you've been getting our no's. Maybe you're waiting for just a few more schools, but there's a part of you that's thinking, okay. What do I do if all I get our no's this year? That's the worst case scenario. I feel like a lot of us are afraid of applying to things because the worst case scenario is that you get rejected everywhere. And then what? Well, if that happens, you'll realize it may feel like the end of the world, but it actually isn't. You will get through it. Allow yourself to feel the feelings, however long you need to. Then after that, if you're serious about whatever that thing was that you got a no from- if it was a master's program, a PhD program. When you're ready, it's okay to review your materials, again. Confront your application, the thing that they said no to. Look them over. Have other people look them over. Have the folks that told no, have them give you feedback. It's okay to ask for feedback.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Then you're gonna have to redirect yourself. You're gonna have to reframe the no. One, there's actually a quote that I use over and over and over again in my life, that I've shared with my friends, and some of my friends have started to use it as well. It's one of those things that, I don't know why, this quote just makes me feel a little bit better when I get a no. And it's a very simple three words, no means next. No means next. I remember hearing it in undergrad, no means next. No means next. Then in grad school, it kind of became a motto of mine because I got used to no's. I was applying to conferences, applying to fellowships, applying to jobs. I remember one year applying to 40 plus jobs, and you just get no after no after no after no. I just told myself no means next, no means next. Okay. In some cases, I didn't even think twice about a no. I was like, okay. I would get an email and then I'd just archive it and then move on. Sometimes I didn't even feel anything because I got so desensitized by getting so many no's. So no means next has helped me. It's almost like a coping mechanism for me when I experience rejection.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

The other thing that helps me when it comes to getting these no's is reminding myself that we all have our own timeline. You may not believe in things happening for a reason. Or like, oh, if it doesn't happen, it's because it's not meant to be. Maybe you don't believe in that. Maybe you don't believe in something being kind of predestined or predetermined. But thinking about how there's no set timeline. I know for a long time, I pressured myself to think that I needed to do things by a certain age, especially because, at least in my life, I've reached a lot of milestones at an early age. For instance, I got married at age 20. I had my first child at age 25. I got my PhD at age, how old was I? 26, I think 26 or 27, but relatively young for my cohort. I've just been achieving a lot of milestones at a relatively young age, that I kept telling myself okay, well, I need to do X by age 30. Or I need to become director by etc. I'm like no, it's okay. I don't have to do things by a certain age. Just like some folks are pressured into thinking that they have to to have a certain lifestyle, or have a certain type of family structure, or have kids, or travel or buy a home. All these external pressures to do things that maybe you don't want to do at all, or maybe you don't want to do by the socially acceptable age.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

So reminding yourself, I have my own timeline. Maybe I'm not going to be that student that goes straight to grad school right out of undergrad. Maybe I need to take a gap year or two, or maybe I need to get a full time job and get some more life and work experience and come back in five to ten years. Grad school will be there. It's not going anywhere. So just reminding yourself, I have my own timeline. This is part of my timeline. Hopefully, that will help you with reframing and redirecting that no.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Then, also, the other thing to think about is that a lot of times when you get a no, it's because you were not a good fit, or it's because of something else that's going on with that department. Those are things that you will not know. For instance, maybe that department is not accepting any students this year. So you got a no, but you have no idea that everybody else that applied also got a no. Or maybe the one person you wanted to work with is retiring, and you didn't know that they were retiring. And there's no one else you can work with in that department, and that's why you got that no. It's just really hard to know what's going on in terms of the internal politics that affected the reason why you got a no. Sometimes you really weren't a good fit, and sometimes there's other things that are going on that have nothing to do with you that led to you getting that no. So just reminding yourself, this is not personal. This is not about me, per se. Just focus as much as you can on strengthening your application materials, but also reminding yourself that there's a good chance that maybe it wasn't because of me, but it was something else that led to me getting a no.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Yeah, I think that's all I have to say for now about rejection, about getting no's. It really is about allowing yourself to experience those feelings. Then once you're ready, it's okay to go back to your application. It's okay to review your materials and strengthen them. It's okay to ask for feedback. Aim for another round, if you're serious about going to graduate school. If it's not, then maybe there's something else that you can do that's part of your path. Just allow yourself the time to think about it and figure it out. Again, if it's something that you're committed to doing, you can always reapply. You can always kind of keep going, increase the number of schools that are good fit, that you can apply to. Eventually- no means next, you're gonna get no, no, no's. And all you need is one yes, one yes. That's all you need. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening and I will talk to you all soon.