341: Masking, Overcompensating, and Burnout: What Neurodivergent First-Gen Students Should Know

341: Masking, Overcompensating, and Burnout: What Neurodivergent First-Gen Students Should Know

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When I was a kid and my dad was still around, I distinctly remember that he would always wear a suit and a tie. Every time we would go to public functions, especially educational events, he would show up to my [00:01:00] school all dressed up. He was part of the PTA. Everybody knew who he was and he would tell me, Yvette. People like you and me, we don't get to wear pajamas in public. We don't get to wear flip flops in restaurants. We have to show up ready. We have to show up dressed to the nines and speaking our best English and working really, really hard. Why? Because he knew, and he recognized that we lived in a world where if you showed up as your full self, where if you reinforce certain harmful stereotypes, it could lead to failure or worse.

And so now many, many years later, my dad passed away oof, how many years ago? 25 or more years ago. I still remember this. And I remember [00:02:00] how I was taught by him and by a lot of people around me to work twice as hard as everybody else, and to always show up as my best self and to never show any of my challenges or any of my faults in public.

And so that turned into a habit of overcompensating that turned into a habit of masking. And what looked like strength publicly was actually just me. Surviving and pushing through. And today I wanna unpack what happens when you mask or overcompensate too much, when that becomes your default, and why it can often lead to burnout or worse. And also what we can do to resist this.

[00:03:00] Welcome to the award-winning grad school Femtoring podcast. The place for first gen Bipoc to listen in on inclusive grad school stories and learn about personal development and productivity tips. This is Yvette Martinez Vu, a certified coach, consultant and author, and I will be serving as your Femtoring, providing you with insider knowledge to help you reach your personal and professional goals.

Welcome back everyone to another episode of the Grad School Femtoring Podcast. This is your host, rah Yvette. Today I'm talking about the topics of masking and overcompensating, and this episode is especially relevant for those of us that are first gen and neurodivergent.

It's especially [00:04:00] relevant for college students, grad students, and even professionals. Before I get into the topic, I want to give a quick shout out to my friend Diana, because she's the one that inspired this episode. She and I were checking in and nerding out on a bunch of different neurodivergent related topics, and she's the one that brought up the topic of overcompensating and when she mentioned overcompensating, 'cause I'm already very, very, very familiar, intimately familiar with the topic of masking. But I hadn't really thought about overcompensating and to what extent it had impacted me and my life. So as soon as she verbalized that, it was a big aha moment for me, and I thought to myself, there's probably so many of us out there that have made.

Like me overcompensating their default and it can get to a point where it's harmful or to [00:05:00] a point where it leads to burnout or worse. And I don't want that for you. I don't want it for myself. So I thought, okay, I gotta bring it up on the episode as well. And again, shout out to Diana. Thank you again for bringing up this topic because it has had me thinking about these two topics, the topics of masking and the topics of overcompensating.

Why did we do them? How are they interrelated? And again, what can we do so that we don't lose ourselves in the process, right? So that we can resist it, so that we can still have spaces, places where we can show up as our full selves. So let's start with, well, what even is masking? What even is overcompensating?

For those of you that are less familiar with these two concepts. So with masking, when I think about masking, I think about hiding specific aspects of who you are. So if it's [00:06:00] tied to neurodivergence, it might be hiding certain stims or things that you do that maybe are less socially acceptable. It could also mean hiding parts of your cultural identity.

It could mean hiding any type of challenge that you're experiencing, all for the sake of avoiding public judgment. So in my case, growing up, I would always pretend to understand social cues. I would do my fake laugh in front of others as if I knew what they were talking about as if I got the joke, but a lot of times I didn't get it.

For other people it might be suppressing behaviors that you do to self-soothe yourself. So it could be the fidgeting, it could be the humming, any other kinds of stims. It could also look like changing how you speak, changing how you dress, changing how you present yourself in certain spaces again, because you don't wanna be judged, you don't [00:07:00] wanna be isolated, excluded.

Then comes over compensating and over Compensating is another survival mechanism, and it's a way of. Doing too much of working overtime, trying to do everything perfectly. Taking on extra tasks, extra projects even.

I remember as a kid, I would do the extra credit and I didn't have to, I already had an A, why am I taking on all this extra work?

So it's, it's doing too much for the sake of not showing weakness or not reinforcing any stereotypes. And this can mean that you then refuse to ask for help or you might refuse to ask for accommodations that you're legally entitled to. Or it might mean that you avoid taking breaks. You [00:08:00] avoid pausing. You avoid slowing down. You don't listen to your body, and you might start to even believe that slowing down is something that could lead to you falling behind. It could lead to you failing when in actuality, slowing down, pausing, taking breaks, these are all essential. We all need to be able to rest to keep going in the long haul.

So how are they interrelated? How are they connected? Why am I bringing them up in conversation? I do think that these two concepts work hand in hand, just like the example I mentioned earlier about my dad masking by concealing parts of who he was. He was a very different person in public than he was at home.

In good and not so good ways. And then the overcompensating, the signing up for all of the events my dad was very, very active in our K through 12 system, so a lot of people knew who he [00:09:00] was. He would volunteer a lot. So these two things, a lot of times they coincide. So masking, you're concealing who you are for the sake of appearing, quote unquote, normal. Overcompensating, you're trying to ex exceed everyone else's expectations based on their perceived ideas of what your shortcomings might be. And some of us we, especially if you disclose any aspects of yourself that could lead to discrimination, then you might feel even more compelled to overcompensate because of that, because of the fear of being excluded, because of the fear of the stigma associated with whatever you shared because of the fear of being judged.

And both things are exhausting. They're both cognitively, emotionally, spiritually draining. They both certainly contribute to burnout, and I've found myself in those cycles [00:10:00] before of overdoing it. And then my body forces me to take a break and then overdoing it again and taking a break, et cetera. So I don't wanna make it seem like these two things are good or bad.

I don't want you to think in this black and white way. We do them for a reason. They are survival strategies, so they're not, again, inherently good or bad. The issue comes up when they become our default, when they become your long-term way of being and showing up in the world, especially in your professional spaces, academic spaces, and so forth.

That's why coming home can sometimes for some of us who have safe spaces in our homes, can feel like such a sanctuary. Like, ugh. You can just breathe a sigh of relief and jump straight into your PJs and relax and not have to, again, put on a face, [00:11:00] put on a performance for others. So the issue is doing this too much.

It can lead to the burnout that I mentioned earlier. It could lead to you feeling even more isolated. It could mean you feeling almost like distanced from your authentic self. Like sometimes it can be hard to figure out who even am I when I don't overcompensate or when I don't mask. It could also lead to you not showing up vulnerably in spaces, so then you can lose the opportunity to form deeper relationships, more meaningful relationships with others, because of the sake of trying to show up perfectly. You're not expressing your challenges, again, I don't wanna say this is good or bad 'cause we have to do what we have to do to survive.

And some places are not psychologically or physically safe for us to show up as our full selves. So I recognize [00:12:00] that. But I also recognize that this is a huge burden to carry too, to feel like you constantly have to just hide so many aspects of yourself and do so much just to survive. So I want you to recognize this.

Recognize that when you do it too much, when it becomes the norm, it can be harmful and it's up to you to decide to what extent is it more harmful than helpful. Once it gets to becoming more harmful than helpful, that's when you gotta do something about it. So let's talk about. I am trying to think about whether or not I wanna go into some of the strategies for what to do, because I also was thinking right now about how there's so many times that we, in an effort to try to highlight our strengths, we then [00:13:00] minimize our challenges. And so I'm thinking specifically about this language around neurodivergence and how so many people will talk about their neurodivergence as a superpower. Oh, ADHD is my superpower because of X, Y, and Z.

And in doing that, you are minimizing your challenges. You can be minimizing whatever the challenge is. Executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm. Something else. You name it. So it's not just a superpower, it comes with very real challenges. That's the reason why you got the diagnosis or suspect that you havethat if you're self diagnosed.

And it reminds me also of this language that I see a lot online around calling yourself neurospicy. I don't like that term. In fact. Some of my current clients, they, if they listen to [00:14:00] this episode, they're, they're gonna know. They know that I don't like this term. I don't like it at all. I would even, I might be close to saying I hate it.

I don't like this term. Why have we not learned anything about how Latinas have been sexualized and exoticized when they've been called spicy? And so then to add that term to neurodivergence is not acknowledging the harm that has come with calling certain people spicy, especially Latinas. So, no, I will not be calling myself neurospicy.

No, thank you. But again, so I wanna recognize that there's so many things that we do to cope, you know? So whether it's calling our challenges a superpower to cope publicly with it, or whether it's calling ourselves neuros spicy to make it more palatable, but palatable to whom? Right? But you, we don't have to do that.

And [00:15:00] so again, just recognize, start to recognize in what ways are you masking, in what ways are you overcompensating? In what ways are you not fully recognizing and owning the very real challenges that you're experiencing and then advocating for the support that you need so that hopefully those challenges can become more manageable.

So let's talk about what can you do instead of constantly masking, constantly overcompensating and making that the norm.

I wanna take a quick pause in today's episode to share some exciting updates. My one-on-one coaching and consulting spots are fully booked for the fall, but I'm now accepting new clients for January, 2026. I'll have just two openings at the start of the year, so if you've been thinking about working [00:16:00] with me, now is a great time to reserve your spot. You can book a call through the link in the show notes, and if you wanna begin working with me even sooner, keep an eye out on my group coaching program, the grad Empowerment Coaching Circle, which is open on a rolling basis by joining my wait list, you'll be the first to know when a spot opens up and you'll get the chance to build sustainable productivity systems and strategies, as well as career insights in a community space meant for other first gen and BIPOC grad students and professionals like you. So if you're ready for one-on-one coaching or if you'd like. To be part of a more supportive group coaching space. You can find both links in the show notes.

Okay, so I'm gonna share five strategies for how to resist masking, and I'm also gonna share five strategies [00:17:00] for resisting overcompensating. The first thing to do to help you with masking a little bit less is to try to find identity affirming spaces for me, usually I suspect, Hmm, you might be neurodivergent too when I can just relate and feel so comfortable around someone else's presence. And so if you can find the right people, find your people. Find those spaces. Sometimes that might mean a cultural center. Sometimes that might mean a peer support group. Sometimes that might mean a mentor who you trust. But finding those spaces where you can show up as yourself.

Another strategy for masking less is taking baby steps in terms of. A small authentic risk. So how can you take the [00:18:00] tiniest little risk of showing a little bit more of yourself? I'm thinking here. So for example, , a lot of my examples are about autism because I'm autistic, so I'm thinking about when you share your special interests.

Sometimes that can be a lot for others who don't have the same special interests. So maybe you begin by sharing just. One little thing about it, or one need or one trait with someone, someone who you consider safe and then gradually building your confidence to sharing more about yourself. And actually, this brings me back again, a lot of these episodes so interesting, it brings back a lot of memories and I hope it's doing that for you too.

So when I was a kid. One of my special interests was that I really, really loved porcelain dolls. I have had porcelain dolls since I was born. My mom bought me my first set when I was in her womb. So in [00:19:00] any case, by the time I was a high schooler, I had dozens. I had like two over two dozen porcelain dolls, and not everybody knew about it.

But it was a big deal if I ever invited them to my home, I might just bring one out, and it was an even bigger deal if they ever got to go into my room, my shared room where there was one part of the room where it had all the dolls displayed. So that is an example of maybe starting out with something small. Let me show you my one doll. And then going into working your way up to sharing more about yourself.

Then there's the third strategy for resisting masking, which is exercising more self-compassion. This is true among so many things that I share on the podcast and in my work. Self-compassion and compassion for others is so, so critical because unmasking can feel unsafe, it can feel scary, and so it's just a [00:20:00] matter of recognizing well.

What pace feels good for you? Maybe you can't unmask right now, but maybe you can work your way towards showing more aspects of yourself over time. It's okay if it's a gradual process and it's okay to go at your own pace without you being the one that's then judging yourself. Number four is engaging in reflective practices.

So that's what I've been doing this whole time. I'll keep sharing these examples and it's helping me to reflect. So what can you do to reflect? Is it the journaling? Is it some sort of ritual? But maybe you take a walk and you get to think about it during your walk. Maybe it's you're taking a longer shower and you're reflecting in the shower, but what can you do to reflect more on how you mask and how you could start to show up more authentically in the future?

And then [00:21:00] my last one, and this is similar to another episode I recorded specifically on this topic, which is to celebrate your small wins. Affirm yourself. Celebrate yourself for the moments you show up. Even if it's uncomfortable, even if it feels weird, even if it doesn't quite work out the way you expected.

The fact that you took that risk to show a little bit more of yourself to someone else, that's a big deal and it's worth celebrating. Now, how can you start to resist overcompensating?

This one's a bigger deal for me because I still do it. I try to do it less, but I still catch myself doing it. So this is for everybody and for me, the first one, and I have a post-it that I'm looking at that literally says this.

It says do less. Give yourself permission to do less, to reduce your commitments. To say no a little bit [00:22:00] more. Maybe it means saying not now, but the more you can give yourself permission to do the good enough work, to not have to double, triple, check everything to let some things go. You'll recognize that you can survive in this world without constantly overcompensating.

The next one is practicing your boundary setting and boundary reinforcing. So clearly communicating your limits, and that means acknowledging what your limits are to begin with around your time, around your energy, and then reinforcing that anytime you need to protect them. And this comes up a lot, especially for my first gen eldest daughters.

We have so many obligations, so many expectations. We have so much pressure that's added on to us from others and from ourselves. And so [00:23:00] how can you set more boundaries to protect your time? How can you set more boundaries to protect your energy so that you have time for yourself as well? Then number three is advocating for accommodations. This is more for my neurodivergent folks and for my disabled folks. If you know that you have a legal right to accommodations, if you have that documentation, why not use available supports? It doesn't mean that you're taking the easy way out. It doesn't mean that you're cheating this system. Oh my gosh. A lot of times I hear from folks who refuse to go to their disability services offices or to their HR unit. To ask for accommodations because they feel bad. They feel like it's, they might be perceived of as, again, cheating the system or that [00:24:00] they're taking the easy way out. And in actuality, learning to advocate for yourself is a strength.

It's not a weakness because you need it and you're entitled to it. Another strategy for resisting overcompensating. This is number four, is to notice when you are overdoing it and over involving yourself. So keep a tracker. In fact, I know someone who is a professor who told me that she would keep track of every single commitment that people reached out to her for. And then she was tracking all the nos because every single no meant more time for herself, more time for her research, more time for the things that were very important to her. So that's something you could do too, is just track when you're doing too much, track when you've been asked to do too much, and then give yourself permission to [00:25:00] step back, especially once you have the numbers.

This could even mean doing a time audit. So. Auditing your time, going back and looking and taking a look at, well, how much of my time am I spending on my goals, and how much of my time am I spending on other people and their goals or their expectations for me? And then you can start to do less again because.

You don't have to do everything and anything like some folks, I'll say this, have almost like a savior complex where you think that, oh my gosh, if I don't do this and this and this for everyone around me, the whole world's gonna fall apart. And the more you do less, the more you start to recognize that life goes on, life moves on. And it's okay to not always do all the things for all the people.

Okay. The last strategy for resisting overcompensating is to leverage accountability, especially peer accountability [00:26:00] partner with someone you trust. Maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a classmate. Maybe it's a colleague and let them know that your goal is to do less.

I have my own colleagues who will remind me when, you know, I'm checking in with them and they'll tell me like, you're doing too much. You need to do less. So who can you reach out to? Who can gently call you in when they notice some of your behaviors are tied to overcompensation?

So now to wrap up today's episode, I want you to reflect on what we've talked about today, about why are you masking, why are you overcompensating? Where does it come from, and do you feel like you have to do this all the time or are there ways that you can do this less. And if so, what's [00:27:00] one small step you can take to show up more as yourself in spaces and to do less and to ask for help. So again, take a look at the five strategies I shared for masking less strategies for overcompensating less, and see which one you can start to implement right away.

Again, I just wanna remind you that neither one of these things is good or bad. They're both things that we do to survive. They're not things to be ashamed of. And at the same time, you deserve spaces where you can show up as your full self and you deserve spaces where you don't have to be constantly overperforming.

That's it for today's episode, and as always, I'll talk to you all next time.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu: thanks so much for listening. If you liked what you [00:28:00] heard, here are three ways you can support the show. The first is to make sure you're subscribed and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. The second way is to get your copy of my free resource kit linked in my show notes. This kit includes tools, playlists on all things grad school, productivity, and personal development.

The third way to support my show is to follow me on social media. You can find me on Instagram with the handle at gradschoolfemtoring and on LinkedIn by searching my name. Thanks again for listening. And until next time.