334: Ten Goal Setting Myths That Keep First-Gen Students Stuck

334: Ten Goal Setting Myths That Keep First-Gen Students Stuck

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Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu: [00:00:00] Let me tell you a story about goal setting and how it relates to my experience in theater. So when I was in high school, I played the lead role for every single high school play except for the musicals 'cause I have two left feet and I'm not very good at singing. And my goal for every night, every performance night, was to give a flawless performance.

That was the goal, to have zero errors because I had put so much time and energy, I had rehearsed so much, I had memorized so much, I had practiced so much, I was ready to give it my all. So when performance night would come, if I would slip up, which. Sometimes happens, nobody else would notice but me and I'd be counting my errors.

And by the end of the night when people were celebrating me, applauding me, giving me flowers, telling me how [00:01:00] amazing the performance was, I was just about ready to fall apart and to cry because I felt like a failure because I had been counting my errors and because I did not give the flawless performance.

That I had intended to do, I did not reach my goal. And if you can relate to this of setting big, lofty. Maybe even unrealistic goals and then feeling bad about it or feeling like a failure, even if you get really, really close to getting there, or even if you achieve the goal but not exactly in the way you had intended, then you're gonna wanna listen to today's episode. I'm gonna be sharing 10 different goal setting myths, and then I'm gonna talk about why they keep us stuck.

And I'm also going to invite you to an upcoming workshop that I have coming up. It's a public workshop on sustainable goal setting, so please tune in so that you can not feel like a failure [00:02:00] and you can start to reach more of your goals in compassionate ways.

Welcome to the award-winning grad school Femtoring podcast. The place for first gen Bipoc to listen in on inclusive grad school stories and learn about personal development and productivity tips. This is Yvette Martinez Vu, a certified coach, consultant and author, and I will be serving as your Femtoring, providing you with insider knowledge to help you reach your personal and professional goals.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu: Welcome back everyone to another episode of the Grad School Femme Touring Podcast. This is your host, Doctora Yvette. Today we're talking about goal setting myths [00:03:00] and truths as well. So we're gonna talk about 10 myths, and in the interest of time, I'm gonna dive straight into the first myth. So the first myth that comes up a lot when it comes to goal setting is thinking that goal setting is universal and that there's only one right way to do it. And let me tell you, I don't believe in the word universal. I don't believe there is such a thing as anything being universal. I know this might be an unpopular opinion. Some of y'all might actually think that there are some things in the world that are universal.

I do not believe in that. So goal setting is not universal. And when we're taught to goal set, usually we're given very prescriptive approaches. This one size fits all approach of, oh, just set smart goals. And if you make them more specific, if you make them more measurable, you'll be good to go. But very rarely do these goal setting approaches [00:04:00] also account for. Your different identities, your cultural background maybe the way that your brain works, your disabilities, your changing circumstances, et cetera.

And so we can debunk the myth by really thinking about how goal setting is not meant to be universal, and that if it hasn't worked for you, maybe that means you just haven't found the right goal setting method that works for you, your identities and your circumstances.

Now let's go into the second myth. The second one is success comes to those that hustle harder. I know a lot of people are talking about this anti hustle approach to doing things, so there's been more of a critique of hustle culture, but we still live in capitalism. We still live in a capitalistic system.

A lot of my listeners are in the [00:05:00] US and the US especially you feel that hustle culture more than other countries. You definitely feel it through the sense of urgency that comes up in the work that you do. And a lot of times this is a false sense of urgency. And so this is a myth because you don't have to hustle to succeed.

Many people out there don't hustle at all, and they just so happen to be successful because they have had access to more resources, more privileges, et cetera. In your case, yeah, sometimes you might have to work hard, but it doesn't mean that you have to keep hustling all the time and that you have to hustle harder than others to reach your goals.

And especially for those of us that have limited capacity, shifting energy levels, maybe we have chronic illnesses, it is essential [00:06:00] for us to account for the fact that we need more rest time. We need to set more boundaries. We need to pace ourselves more. We cannot afford to hustle harder than others because it can come at a higher cost.

Now the third myth is believing that. If you're struggling or if you can't reach goals in the same way that other people can, that it means that. You're not trying hard enough or that you're lazy. This is something that is almost like a triggering word for me. The word lazy. Why? Because, and this is some of y'all that grew up in Latine households, like I grew up with a Mexican immigrant mama, who works very, very hard, who gets up early, who's always nonstop working, working, working. She never stops [00:07:00] and she still doesn't stop. And she's tired. Why? Because she's a self-sacrificing mama. So whenever someone like her would see s iblings staying up later, et cetera.

There's always this, there's this assumption that, oh, this person is lazy. When in actuality maybe that person needs extra rest, may, maybe that person needs more accommodations. Maybe my mom needs to be resting too. Maybe she needs a break. So struggling doesn't mean that you're lazy. And again, this is my personal opinion, I don't believe in laziness.

Instead, a lot of times you might just be dealing with more barriers. You might just be needing more forms of support. That's not laziness. And without these forms of support and when you have these added structural barriers, that's what gets in your way of making progress on your goals.[00:08:00]

Now let's go into the fourth myth, which is a big call out to white supremacy culture here and capitalism as a whole here, which is that perfectionism or perfection and productivity equal worth that. Those are the things that indicate how worthy you are. And a lot of people I work with struggle with perfectionistic tendencies. I myself am a recovering perfectionist, and I have to call myself in when I notice it creeping up again and I notice sometimes it even creeps in the podcast itself, where I will be tempted to want to just start recording all over again because I made that small mistake, which is like, ha ha 'cause I'm telling you about this incident back when I was in high school, and I'm catching myself doing that still to this day. But then I remind myself, wait, you know. [00:09:00] Progress is better than nothing. And imperfect progress is also better than nothing. So that's one thing. And two, also, I don't even need to put out the episode.

I can always do a replay. I can always take a break. So, your worth is not tied to your productivity, your worth is not tied to your output. Your worth is not tied to how much you do. You are allowed to rest, and you are allowed to make mistakes, and you are allowed to show your mistakes, and that's part of growth because we're giving ourselves permission to fail and to learn from that.

So no perfection doesn't equal worth perfection is an illusion. It's not real. It's impossible to reach. And productivity, I redefine it because to me it's not about doing more. It's about executing on the things that mean [00:10:00] something to you. And for me, that includes you living your life outside of the things that you do that pay your bills.

Alright, let's go into myth number five, which is that only big audacious goals matter. I'm using the word audacious here because it's a call out to entrepreneurs and the entrepreneurial culture, which is very much all about hustling harder, trying harder. If you don't try a million in one different strategies, like you're not gonna be a successful entrepreneur.

So there's this concept called big, hairy, audacious goals, and I've heard other people ask me about it like, oh, what's your big audacious goal? I'm like, I don't know. I just wanna make enough to pay my bills, support my family, and also, there's nothing wrong with having the goal of building wealth, for [00:11:00] instance, like this is not me critiquing that, I believe that we should all be able to make ends meet with what we do. I'm not even gonna go into a lecture here about how the minimum wage is so ridiculously low. I think I, I saw a video. It must have been from the Instagram account, the Salary Transparent Street.

I think that's what they're called. There was a video where someone said that minimum wage would have to be $66 an hour, I believe, if I remember correctly. Don't quote me on this, but it was definitely over $60 an hour for it to match what minimum wage was decades ago. Because if you account for inflation, et cetera, that's what it would need to be.

So think about that, 60 something dollars an hour, you'd need to be making well over six figures to just be afloat, not even to build wealth [00:12:00] so anyway, I'm I'm getting beside the point. So going back to what was the point of the myth? The myth was that only big audacious goals matter and I don't think that we need to set big audacious goals according to other people's expectations.

If right now all we can focus on is the micro goal, that is okay. We don't need to always make the bigger, better goals. It's okay to stay with what's reasonable for you right now.

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Now, let's talk about myth number six, which is that you should be [00:14:00] able to do this on your own. I remember this in grad school actually, I felt that judgment when I told them that I needed to work in community, that I needed to be part of writing groups, that I needed to be co-working with someone else to get things done. I felt so much shame for that, and it was because of this idea of like, oh, you should be able to just do this work in isolation.

Do it on your own, as if asking for help meant that you were weak or that you didn't deserve to be here.

Then there's myth number seven, which is that there is an ideal timeline. How many of us have been told in specific programs that the certain time to degree is a set number of years, and if you take longer than that, then you're not seen as successful.

So maybe your program is four years, five years, six years. If you take longer. Then again, there's that sense of shame. Or again, there's a sense of, oh, I [00:15:00] didn't reach the ideal timeline, so I'm not making adequate progress, and I will remind you that progress is non-linear. We all also have our timeline, and it may not align exactly with the timeline of what was intended in your program or in your degree.

And when you start to compare yourself with others, that's when you start to make yourself feel bad, because again, we don't all have the same timeline. There's no such thing as a standard ideal timeline.

Myth eight is that failure means that you're not cut out for it. And ooh, this one is really for academics and for academia as a whole.

How many of y'all have heard this phrase? Raise your hand. Yes, I know you're listening to me in your ears, but just pretend that I'm there with you. Raise your hand if you've heard that phrase of like, oh, that person left academia. They're just [00:16:00] not cut out for it. That is ridiculous. And also, just because people leave doesn't mean they failed.

Just because they leave doesn't mean they're not cut out for it. Failure doesn't mean that you're not cut out for something. It means that it's feedback, it's data. If you want to fail and try again, you can, and you can keep at it until you get it done. So just because you fail once doesn't mean you're gonna fail again.

You get to decide what you learn from your failure and how you use that data to inform your future decisions. So you can adjust, you can try again, you can try differently, assuming that you still wanna stay on that path.

Myth nine is that you must sacrifice your wellbeing to get ahead. I've definitely been there, done that with myth number nine.

This is why I have chronic illnesses today because I burnt out too [00:17:00] hard. I used to pride myself in college and my early years of grad school on working like a machine. Why? Because I actually am very good at executing for the most part. And people tell me that, that they look up to me for that.

I'm good at planning. I'm good at organizing. I'm good at executing, but I used to do that to the extent that I sacrificed my personal life, I no longer do that. Now work is something I schedule around my life and not the other way around. So no, you don't have to sacrifice your wellbeing, and in fact, you can put your wellbeing first before anything else.

Okay the last myth is that your goals should match mainstream external definitions of success. Again, we know this because those are the posts that get the most likes. Those are the [00:18:00] announcements that get the most phone calls that get the most excitement. You know, if you say that you that extra degree, that extra credential.

If you say that you bought a home, even when sometimes buying a home doesn't make financial sense for you. If you say you wanna expand your family and you decide to have a baby, all of the, everybody's so excited for you. There's so many of these examples of things that our US American Society, and even our particular cultures have deemed as worthy definitions of success. Even things like getting married.

All these things , if they don't match with your goals, you don't have to pursue that. Ideally, you want your goals to match your definition of success. If they match with mainstream definitions of success, great odds are you probably have a lot of privileges.

And I say that as someone who is cisgendered [00:19:00] straight, I have light skin privilege. I've got a family. I'm married. I have a lot of these mainstream versions of success. But then I also have a lot of versions of success that are just for me and that other people probably couldn't care less about, but they're really important to me.

Like the way that I schedule my life, the way that I pace myself, the amount of time I spend with my kids, the fact that I homeschool them, at least for now. All those things are measures of success. So how at peace, I feel how I'm able to manage my symptoms. How yeah, just like my day-to-day life is something that maybe other people would not find very exciting, but for me it feels really good to me.

So that's why I pursue that, and that means that I'm successful. So in your case. What are your definitions of success? And do they match, do they differ [00:20:00] from mainstream versions of success? Either way, i deally you want to have more definitions of success that are tied to you and maybe a few that are mainstream because those are the things that are gonna help you to get from one part of your life to the next. So this is where we're thinking more intentionally and more strategically. Sometimes you do have to pursue mainstream definitions of success to get somewhere. And so I'm not saying that mainstream versions of success are bad, I'm just saying you wanna find a combination of the two of the things that are meaningful to you. The things that are meaningful to others that you can pursue that are gonna help you with ultimately getting to the next step in your career and life.

So those were the 10 myths. Again, I'm gonna repeat them really quickly. Myth one is, goal setting is universal. Myth two. Success comes from hustling harder.[00:21:00]

Myth three. Struggling means you're lazy. Myth four, perfection and productivity equal your worth. Myth five, only big audacious goals matter. Myth six. You should be able to do this on your own. Myth seven. There's always an ideal timeline. Myth eight failure means you're just not cut out for it.

Myth nine. You must sacrifice your wellbeing to get ahead and myth 10, your goals should always match mainstream definitions of success.

So these are the things that can often keep us stuck. Why? Because they lead to spirals of shame and perfectionism and isolating yourself. And instead, what we need is to find ways to feel like we belong.

We need to find ways to seek the support that works for us, and we need to take note of the moments that boost our confidence. We need to take note of the things that we can do [00:22:00] that boost our sense of self-efficacy. We need to call ourselves in when we start to notice that we're falling into these myths again, and then do something to gently snap ourselves out of it. Like how I've done that with even recording this podcast episode. You know, I, there are some moments where I have my notes and I kind of steer away from my notes and, which is funny 'cause I'm doing that right now. And when I do these things it's for a reason. You know, an idea came to mind.

But then I think to myself, wait. I'm veering off and because I'm veering off, then maybe I need to rerecord this and no, I don't. I don't need to. This is good enough. So gently call yourself in to stay the course. And again, in terms of strategies, adopt whatever it is that you need to adopt, whether it's anti hustles strategies of finding ways to rest, finding ways to [00:23:00] set boundaries and maintain them, reinforce them.

Find ways to care for yourself and care for others. Make sure that your goal settings, align with your values, align with your personal life, aligned with your family, aligned with your culture, aligned with your identities, aligned with your capacity. If you need additional supports, do that. What ways can you adapt the work so that it better works for you?

Do you need to set smaller goals? Do you need to give yourself worksheets? Do you need certain tools? Do you need more accountability?

And make sure that your goals are also flexible. This is where a lot of us will catch ourselves feeling like failures. If I had set a flexible goal back when I was doing my theater shows of, you know what, as long as I get through the show and nothing major happens, then I'm successful. So in your case, how can you [00:24:00] make your goals more flexible, so that way, even if you reach them in ways that are different than what you expected, you still celebrate yourself.

And then again, if you need to do work more collectively, owning that, if you need more culturally affirming supports, mentors, networks, then pursue that. So I'm gonna end today's episode with reminding you to reflect on the following questions.

Whose values are informing my goals? Where am I feeling stuck and why? What values aligned micro goal can I try this week? Who can be my accountability partner? And what does rest look like for me?

So the last thing I wanna say is if you want to join me at my sustainable goal setting workshop, it's happening on Thursday, August [00:25:00] 28th at 3:00 PM Pacific Time. Please check out the link in the show notes so that you can learn more and sign up. That's it for today, and as always, I'll talk to you all next time.

​thanks so much for listening. If you liked what you heard, here are three ways you can support the show. The first is to make sure you're subscribed and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. The second way is to get your copy of my free resource kit linked in my show notes. This kit includes tools, playlists on all things grad school, productivity, and personal development.

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