188: 6 Strategies for Dealing with A Toxic Advisor

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Welcome back, everyone to another episode of the Grad School Femtoring podcast. This is your host, Dra. Yvette. Today, I have a short and sweet episode for you all about six strategies for dealing with a toxic advisor. This topic came up for me, because I recently asked on social media for graduate students to share some of their current struggles and pain points. And this came up. Also, this is something that I have direct experience with as well, because I did deal with a toxic advisor in graduate school. So the information that I'm sharing right now are some suggestions. Some of these things I did some of these things I wish I had done. But no matter what, hopefully you gain something from what I share today if you are someone who happens to be dealing with a toxic advisor.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Let's start with the first one. The first thing is to identify the root of the problem. There's something that this person is doing or saying, something about their behavior that is toxic to you or that is impacting you in a negative way. What is it that's going on? Is it the way that they communicate? Are they overly critical and harsh? Some professors happen to be very blunt. Maybe they're not the most warm people. Maybe folks, they might not describe them as being kind to people. That coldness, that bluntness might not work well for you.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Sometimes, supervisors are micro managers. They see you as a reflection of their work. And they're so concerned about their own reputation and their own research, and you working on a research that might be their own topic. Then they're just checking every single thing that you're doing, micromanaging. They're not giving you any room or space to breathe, or to have your own independence and agency.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Sometimes, supervisors are toxic because they are too hands off. They go missing. They go MIA. You rarely hear from them. They're rarely on campus. Maybe they don't even live near campus, and they're only around once a week- if they are around at all. And you struggle to get a hold of your advisor. That happens sometimes too.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Sometimes individuals are flat out exploitative. They expect you to be at their call at any minute, any time of day. Ihad someone like this. I recall the first time I worked as a graduate student researcher for this person who at one point, was my advisor, but then eventually was no longer my advisor. This was when I realized I needed to get a smartphone- I didn't have a smartphone before this- because they expected me to be doing things for them at all hours of the day. I had to go run around campus at 8am in the morning, grab materials for them. I was just checking my phone all day and all night for any requests and answering them right away.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And if I did not, I was not respected. I was treated not well. I was made to feel bad. In retrospect, I wish that I had known that I didn't deserve that kind of treatment. I wish that I would have advocated for myself. I was only I think in my second year of my program- still trying to prove myself, still trying to convince myself that I deserved to be there. So that person was being exploitative. And there are a lot of faculty members who- whether they're doing it intentionally or not- rely on graduate student labor and do so in exploitive ways. Whether it's asking for too much, underpaying you, or just treating you terribly, being condescending, being disrespectful. I think that behavior is exploitative and that is toxic.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Then in some cases- this is where I get nervous even talking about dealing with toxic advisors, because there are some folks out there that are flat out spiteful and evil- even doing things that are flat out discriminatory and illegal. If someone that you work with is displaying inappropriate, offensive and even illegal behavior, I would run. I would find a way to no longer work with that person. I know how hard it sometimes. In some cases, it feels like there's no way out. But in some of the other strategies that I share, I'll go through the different options that you have, whether you stay or decide to leave this person.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And it's so funny because when I'm saying stay or leave, it almost sounds like it's this very abusive relationship, almost like when you hear about incidents of abusive relationships in romantic relationships. Well, even though your relationship with your advisor is platonic and it is a formal relationship, it is a professional relationship, it is still a long term relationship. You're going to have a relationship with them for at least two years if it's a master's program, at least five years if it's a doctoral program. And in many cases a lot longer than that if you continue on with an academic career, because this person will continue to write you letters of support, and perhaps be a reference for future jobs. So the person that you choose to be your advisor- that is a big deal. And if you start to notice issues now, it may suck right now to try to think about finding a way out, finding someone else to work with. But the long term impact of switching might outweigh the discomfort of you figuring that process out now. So just a heads up about that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Aside from identifying the root of the problem, the next thing I recommend is documenting what is going on. I know this is gonna sound weird. You might be thinking- why? I don't think it's necessary. I don't think it's that severe. I don't think it's that bad. But no matter what, it's important to document. If you're like me- and I have a bad memory. If you're like me- I had experiences of flat out gaslighting in academia, where someone made me feel like an experience that I had did not happen. It helps to have documentation. What does that mean?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Documentation means keeping a record of emails that you've received that were toxic, inappropriate, discriminatory, you name it. It also can mean keeping a spreadsheet where you write down dates and times that you met with them, and you describe the behavior or the things that they said. Because later on, as time goes on, you might not remember the exact details of the things and if you have a record of multiple incidents of toxic behavior- even if you don't show it to anybody else, even if you don't need the documentation for anything other than for yourself- ou can go back and see that that's evidence of the reasons for you to consider either switching advisors or sometimes switching departments too.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The third thing I want to recommend is to make sure you set boundaries and you find ways to manage up. Setting boundaries is especially important- it's important for everybody, but it's especially important if you have a toxic advisor. And when I say manage up, manage up is a term that's used a lot in- I think I've heard about it more in the corporate setting. If you're working with a supervisor and you want to make sure that you get what you need out of that supervisor- so you're managing them in a way where you are making sure that you get what you need from them to advance professionally. When I say manage up, that's what I'm referring to. It's finding ways to work with them so that you still get what you need out of your graduate program.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

When you're setting boundaries, you want to set clear boundaries. You can do that by talking to other people who have worked with this person and figuring out strategies to best work with them. And then figuring out strategies to find ways to keep meeting your milestones without hurting yourself, without burning yourself out, without continuing to feel the stings of the toxicity. So you if you decide- you know what? Maybe it's not as bad, and maybe you think you can manage it. Maybe you're not interested in pursuing working with someone else. You're not interested in switching graduate programs. Or maybe this is the only person you really can think of that you can work with given your topic or at your institution.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

You're going to stay with them- then you got to decide, I am going to figure out exactly how I want to communicate with them, how often I want to communicate with them, when and how much am I willing to work, and how am I going to make sure that I meet the milestones and make progress in my program. How am I going to make sure that I graduate? And how am I going to make sure that this relationship is okay enough, sustainable enough that I can get what I need now and even in my career later on?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

These are things to keep in mind if you decide to stay with someone- because sometimes there's different, I guess, varied levels of the degree to which someone is toxic. Maybe your advisor has really good intentions, and they just go MIA a lot. Or maybe your advisor has really good intentions, but they're just really bad at communicating, really bad at answering emails. That might be toxic to you, but it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things. If that's the case, then I understand if you continue to work with them and you find ways to work with them, find ways to compromise. That works. By even if that's the case, remember set boundaries and manage up. Figure out how others have successfully worked with them in the past too.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next thing I want to recommend is seeking guidance from trusted sources. If you're working with someone who is toxic-and as we know, academia is a space where a lot of people talk to one another. Bridges can get easily burned, and you want to make sure that you maintain your reputation, you maintain positive, productive relationships with people. Then you want to make sure that whoever you talk to about the struggles that you're experiencing with your advisor is someone that you trust. I can't stress this enough, because you don't want people talking. You don't want to cause drama. You probably want to lay low.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So if you find someone that you feel like- this is someone that I can trust. This is someone whose advice I respect and admire. I know that they have my intentions in mind, or they are seeking to help me from a place of actually caring about me. Then yes, definitely talk to them. This could be a femtor. This could be a mentor. Let them know about your situation. Let them know about why you're struggling in your working relationship with your advisor- what comes off as toxic to you, and what their advice is. What have other people done to to manage working with them, and what do they recommend? What options do you have to best deal with this situation?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And remember, someone might be toxic or difficult to work with in ways that are manageable now. But at any point, the situation could change for the better or for the worse. If for some reason, it changes for the worse and their toxicity escalates, then please know that there are sources. There are people, there are offices that you can contact to get help and support. This could be the department chair. Sometimes the department chair is the toxic one. If that's the case, don't do that. This could be an HR office. This could be a university ombuds office. This could be confidential counselors. In any case, before you talk to anyone and share anything, make sure again that this is a confidential source, that they will keep your information anonymous, and then get their professional advice and input on what you can do next. Again, if the situation escalates to the point where you feel like you need that extra professional support and advice.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next thing I want to share - because I can't not share this. I've been alluding to this since the beginning. Make sure you create an exit strategy. Like I said, situations can change at any point. I want to make sure that you're protecting yourself. And like I said earlier if the situation escalates, and you find that this relationship is no longer sustainable for you- or sometimes, it's not just one person. An entire department might be toxic. And you realize, wow. I really need to get the F out of here. I don't even want to stay in this department. I'm willing to switch entire schools - not just departments, but switch and apply to other programs nationwide.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

If that's the case, then you want to create an exit plan. That means - what steps you need to take to either find other professors, other faculty members within that department, or in other departments at your campus- or even what's the process of reapplying to grad programs, but reapplying with the intention of transferring. Now, I've helped clients with this process. I know it can be tricky to have to go through the process of applying to graduate school all over again when you've already been working in a graduate program for one, two, three, four years. In some cases, they might give you credit and in other cases, they might not. You have to start over again.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So these are things you want to consider. That's why- if you think this is an option for you- tt helps to get a head start and start reaching out to faculty members. Again, in your department, if you trust them, outside of your department, and outside of your campus altogether, at other institutions to see- what is the process of reapplying? What is the process of transferring? Will you get credit for the work that you've done? And is it worthwhile for you to go through this process?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Having an exit strategy, having support will help. Because maybe, it might mean you might get delayed by a year. But it also means that you can get your health and wellness back. It means that you no longer have to be dealing with someone who's very, very difficult or in a space that's inhospitable. I do think that it is worthwhile even if it causes a slight delay in your timeline.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The last strategy or piece of advice I want to share based on my experience and also the support that I've provided to other graduate students is to please please, please take care of yourself. Again, I can't say that enough. Working with a toxic supervisor can take a huge toll on your physical, mental and spiritual health. I say this so many times, and it is part of my story and the reason why I do what I do. I burnt out in grad school, and I burnt out to the point of developing a chronic illness. And as much as I've learned to embrace my chronic illness, it's still not something that I necessarily would want others to experience.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I want you to take care of yourself, to put yourself first. I want you to remember that sometimes we make a lot of sacrifices, because we think that sacrifice is going to be worth it. And you think, you know what? I'm going to push and I'm gonna push through and keep working hard. No matter what happens, even if I get sick, I'm gonna keep going, keep going, keep going. Even though graduate school is temporary, I don't think it's worth it if it comes at the expense of your long term health and wellness. I mean, some folks don't just get sick. Some folks, it's a lot worse. I mean, I don't want you to work to the point where it kills you. And I'm not just saying physically- I'm saying mentally and spiritually too.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So please, please, please, if you're dealing with a toxic advisor, or if you are in an inhospitable environment, seek help. Seek support. Find a way out and take care of yourself.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

That's it for today's episode, and I will talk to you all next time.