184: How to Foster Joy in Grad School

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Welcome back everyone to another episode of the Grad School Femtoring podcast. This is your host, Dra. Yvette, and today I have an episode on how to foster joy in grad school. I want to preface this just to say that if you are new to my podcast, I am an academic coach, author, speaker. I'm a Chicana. I am neurodivergent. I am chronically ill. And I am someone who grew up thinking that joy was a privilege, that it was something that only people who were not like me experienced.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

What do I mean by that? I mean that I grew up experiencing childhood trauma. I grew up living in a working class community, always kind of paycheck to paycheck, and in some cases in poverty. I also grew up struggling with my mental health. I say for as long as I can remember, I have felt anxiety and depression. It comes in waves, and I've gotten a lot better at managing it now. But I always worked under the assumption that I was just never going to be a happy person. I used to be very, very pessimistic, focused on the negative and focused on catastrophic thinking. Why? Because I had experienced things in life that felt like catastrophes to me at the time.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And as you know, Grad School Femtoring- this episode, I always try to tie it back to grad school. Grad school was a really formative experience for me. In grad school, I felt a lot of high highs and low lows. One of my lowest lows, I mentioned many times. If you're familiar with by podcast, if you are one of my loyal listeners- first off, thank you for listening. But you know that I struggled with severe postpartum depression. That is no joke. That is not something that I take lightly. It is something that I am so incredibly proud to have overcome, and it is also something that I am afraid to encounter again in the future.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But I have learned a lot of different ways of little things that I have been doing in my life that have increased my moments of joy. If you have more moments of joy, as they accumulate over time, you'll notice that you're experiencing a more joyful life. Even though I had high highs and low lows, I felt like I had more lows than highs in grad school. And I don't want that for you. I know graduate school is hard. It is a big challenge. There are a lot of hurdles. And it can be a mindfuck, I'll just be honest, to go through all of these hurdles, especially if you're first gen, especially if you're a person of color, especially if you are different in any way, shape, or form. But that doesn't mean that this program should rob you of your joy.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So let me just share a few things that I have been doing or more conscious of lately that has helped to increase my feelings of joy overall. I don't have a lot of notes for this. I just kind of jotted down some things that came to mind when it came to experiencing joy. So we'll see. This might be a shorter episode. The first thing is reminding you about this concept of the arrival fallacy. If you follow me on social media and you watch my reels, there was one reel that got a good amount of attention and it was on the arrival fallacy. In fact, my younger brother- he follows my work, and he's trying to figure out what is coming next after he finishes college. He told me- wow, that one video where you talked about this concept of this fallacy- I was like, oh yeah, the arrival fallacy. He said that was really memorable for him.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Why? Because the arrival fallacy is the false conception that as soon as you arrive at whatever place it is, as soon as you reach whatever milestone, you're going to experience long lasting happiness. That is not true. More often than not, we move on to the next milestone and the next milestone and we delay our happiness. We postpone it. And for the folks who experience more joy, they tend to prioritize experiencing and prioritizing joy in the process. Finding moments that you can look forward to during the process of you reaching your milestone. In your case, if you are going through your graduate school journey and your milestone involves finishing your coursework, passing qualifying exams, and writing a thesis or dissertation, then I want you to be very intentional about planning moments in your timeline that are joyful and doing things that you look forward to doing.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

If you focus on joy in the process rather than once you meet a milestone, I guarantee you will feel more joyful than if you wait until you're done with whatever the thing is. A lot of times, we reach that big pinnacle of a milestone, and we think to ourselves- this is it? Really? Why do I feel so down? You know how many people I've talked to who- and I've said this before- who experienced post bachelor's degree blues, or whatever you want to call it - depression. It might not be depression, but experiencing some sort of really downward spiral. The same goes for folks who finish any kind of milestone- they finish their graduate program, they reach whatever the next step is in advancing in their career. It could even be something bigger that you've always dreamt of doing.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

You arrive, and you're like- oh, I really wanted to have X, Y, and Z. Now I have X, Y, and Z. Why am I so unhappy? I'm thinking about folks who have worked so hard to finally get that good paying job. They're finally making good money., and they realize, I am miserable. I don't want that for you. I want you to figure out what are the things that make you happy now, incorporate them into your day to day life- even if it's micro moments, even if it's two minutes, five minutes, ten minutes- micro moments of joy.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Because then, by the time you reach those big milestones, you'll have a better idea of what makes you happy. Then you can set goals in alignment with those things. Does that make sense? So the first one- arrival fallacy. I want you to be aware of that. I didn't learn about this until recently, the last couple of months, I think. I wish that I had had a way to describe that feeling that I had so many times. I wish that I had had that language. Now that I have it, that's why I'm sharing it with you.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next thing that I want to share is to make sure that you focus on nourishing the relationships in your life that are meaningful to you and to make time for them. This is hard, because in graduate school you're very busy. You have a lot of obligations, and it often feels like you don't have time for your loved ones. I put my social life on hold for a good portion of my graduate school years. And I would not do that now if I could go back in time.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I was listening to this podcast, and they were interviewing- I think it was a Harvard professor who did a study and interviewed folks who were in their 80s, and asked them about what are the things that they most regretted about their lives or that they would change if they could go back in time. Most of them talked about relationships, that they wish that they had dedicated more time to spend with the people that they love. I'm sure you've felt that way too. If you've ever lost a loved one, if you've ever had someone close to you pass away, don't you get that feeling of- I wish I would have spent more time with them or I wish I would have told them x?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Well, now- if you know me, I used to be very selective about who I called a friend, who I called a best friend, who I said I love you too. Now, I feel like I am very generous with my love and with my affection, and with telling people that I care, that I care about them, because I don't take that for granted anymore. I sometimes get busy too. But when there's a moment, something reminds me of someone I care about- instead of letting that moment pass, I send them a quick message. I send them a quick DM. I send them a quick email, whatever it is I'm doing, and let people know that I'm thinking about them, especially the people that I really care about. I want you to do that too. Even if it's a quick five, ten minute call to someone that you love, family member, and saying-hey, I don't have a lot of time. I just wanted to see how you're doing and hope you have a good day. Love you, bye. That's it. Focus on making time for the relationships that matter to you.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next thing is what I mentioned earlier, but I want to mention it again- which is to find things to look forward to in the process. And here, I'm referring specifically to coming up with reward systems and continuously rewarding yourself for all the things that you do. This can be big and it can be small. Small rewards, me voy a comprar un cafecito. I'm gonna go take a walk, or I'm gonna call a friend. Big rewards- I'm gonna save up for this trip. I'm gonna use my credit card points for this trip. I'm saying that because I actually just booked a hotel to go visit a city nearby here, and we used credit card points because we are on a very, very tight budget right now as we prepare to move back to the US. But I'm still finding ways to reward myself even if I don't have much money to spend. You can do that too. You'll find ways, things that you can look forward to, and that you can do to reward yourself. Why? Because you deserve it.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next thing is to find the music that makes you feel good, to create a playlist, or go back and listen to a playlist you already have of your favorite music. Then find moments in your week to play it in the background. I like to do this as a family while tidying or cleaning. If you are from a Latinx, Latina household, you probably grew up with a mom or a tia or an abuelita who would play some jams, Spanish speaking jams, in the background while they were doing their weekly, or daily cleaning. I don't know how into cleaning they were. But I know that was my experience too- going to my Nana's house and listening to music that now I'm very fond of.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So we do that too. And I have a daughter who loves music. I mean, I think that she's loved music since the womb. I could feel her just dancing inside my belly when I was pregnant. She loves music and she loves dancing, and she asks her music all the time. And guess what? I am more than willing to pause whatever I'm doing if I can- if I'm not in the middle of a meeting or something. Take that pause, take those five, ten minutes, play a couple of songs, and dance away with her. Music actually has a way of impacting your mood. So don't underestimate the power of music, sound, and noises and how they can impact you and your life.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next thing is developing a gratitude practice. Again, the former cynic in me, the former pessimist in me, would think like-I don't want to do that. I don't have time for that. Is that even going to work? I was doubtful. But I started doing this in grad school. Again, I struggled a lot in grad school. I had a friend who was struggling too, and we both were trying to work on our self growth at the time. One thing we did was we created a Google Doc and we both would go in every day and write three things that we were grateful for. She would see mine. I would see hers. It was really nice to get ideas for what to be grateful for based off what she would share that I hadn't even thought of to be grateful for, and vice versa. Now, I no longer have a shared Google Doc. But I do make it an ongoing practice of reminding myself, reminding my kids, of the things that we are grateful for.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

This can look like a number of different ways. You could write it down. I know I have gratitude exercises in my growth journal. If you're interested in my growth journal, I think I'll link it in today's episode for you to download it. So you can write it down, or you could just - before a meal, at the beginning of your day, or at the end of a day, incorporate it as part of a habit that you have. You can do the habit stacking. You know you're gonna brush your teeth every morning. Then maybe while you're brushing your teeth, you remind yourself- what are some things I'm grateful for? But over time, gratitude actually can help you improve your mood and experience more joy, even in the little things. Even if you don't have all the things that you wish that you had, there's something for you to be grateful for.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another thing I want to mention is to exercise acts of kindness. By this, I mean doing acts of kindness without expecting anything in return. Because I know some folks who sometimes they do nice things, and they expect you to return it back tenfold - who are counting down, I'll do something for you and will count down how many things you've done for them. I don't want you to do that. I also know folks, myself included, who used to bend over backwards and do so many favors for people that then they end up becoming resentful and leave no time and space for them to tend to themselves, for them to work and make time for their own stuff. If this is you, I don't want you to be so kind to the point where you have an empty cup. I don't want you to be exercising so many acts of kindness where other people view you as a doormat or other people view you as their yes person.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

You want to make sure that if you are exercising acts of kindness, that you do so while still prior to prioritizing yourself, while still setting boundaries, and without expecting anything in return- just doing it for the sake of hopefully, lifting someone's day. One way, one example of something you could do is complimenting someone. You're in a meeting with someone, just randomly complimenting them on something- ideally, something that's not physical. Something about who they are, and what they do, or what their strengths are. That's always really nice. I know I love it when people remind me of the things that they notice, that they like about me, or that are my strengths, or the way that I've helped them. That's one way.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But there's so many ways that you can do little acts of kindness. Even if it's like someone is doing a fundraiser, and maybe you don't have a lot to give, but you have $10 to give. Or maybe it's you open the door for a random stranger. Or maybe it's -I remember one time, we were at a parking lot and someone didn't have cash to pay for their parking. And I think we gave her -a couple of dollars is all she needed, gave her a couple of dollars. She was so, so happy and so grateful. What's a couple of dollars if you have them to spare, you know? It doesn't always have to be monetary. There's a lot of ways that you can exercise kindness, and it does help again, boost your mood.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another thing that goes without saying is to focus on your physical well being. This will help you to feel better, which will help lift your mood and help you feel more joy. By this, I mean doing things that make your body feel good. That can mean moving more. That can mean walking. It can be whatever it is that makes your body feel good. And also, eating food and drinking liquids that make you feel good as well. I'm not really into diet culture. I'm not really one to be telling you how to exercise or what to eat or what works well for you. You know your body best. Start to become more observant and more reflective to notice what are the things that make you feel good, and what are things that don't make you feel good. Do more of the things that feel good and less of the things that don't feel good. I hope that makes sense.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next thing is developing some sort of spiritual practice or engagement. I don't want to conflate this with a religious practice, because I actually don't think you necessarily need to be religious to be spiritual. I am not a very religious person. I'll just be open and honest about that. I have friends who are very religious, and we respect each other's differences. But the way that we bond is in the fact that we are very spiritual people. So what does spirituality look like? Spirituality can look like any customs or rituals that you practice regularly that help you have a deeper purpose or remind you of a greater calling.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Again, there's a lot of things that you can do to exercise spirituality. The ones that I'm familiar with, that I have engaged in, are things like journaling, lighting candles, praying, deep breathing, meditation. But you can do a simple search to try to look and brainstorm ways to get more in tune with your spirituality. I actually noticed- I did a life assessment a few months back. In the life assessment, I was trying to figure out where I was in terms of addressing different aspects of my life and my well being. And one of the things in my life that had the lowest score was my spirituality. That's when I realized, I can't just be doing it here and there, on and off. I actually want to embrace it and not be ashamed, and do the things that make me feel good that are part of a spiritual practice.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

For so long, I always thought lighting candles is so woowoo. I can't prove it through research and science backed data that it works. But you know what? My mama has a botanica. And I grew up with her always lighting the candles for any little thing, every time I had something going on. I distinctly remember when I went through my qualifying exams, telling her - mama, light me these candles. Especially light me one for this one toxic committee member, because I want to make sure that this person is not out to get me. Can you hear the trauma in my voice? And I think that her candles are the reason I'm moving back to the US. I'm just kind of being silly right now. But the point is now, I embrace the fact that I grew up with candles as a spiritual practice. And that, to me, makes me feel good. It helps me to set intentions, and it helps me to take action on those intentions. So spiritual engagements can be helpful.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I think those are all the things that I have to share for today. I also hear my toddler yelling in the background, which means that she probably just woke up from her nap. But I want to end this by saying that I don't think it's realistic to assume that all moments in grad school will be joyful. That's not true. Emotions, like a lot of things, they come in waves. They come in cycles. They come in seasons. But what we do have the power to do is to be intentional about fostering more joyful moments in our lives. That's it, everyone. I hope you found this episode helpful, insightful. I will talk to you all next time.