179: Surviving College and Grad School as a Highly Sensitive Student

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Hi, everyone, welcome back to another episode of the Grad School Femtoring podcast. This is your host, Dra. Yvette, and today's episode is on how to survive college and grad school as a highly sensitive student. This year, I have made the decision to talk a little bit more about topics related to neurodivergence and neuro diversity. I want to dive in a little bit deeper on managing specific challenges and embracing specific strengths.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And I decided to do this- and was validated by it, both in meetings and conversations that I've had in social media spaces- because I've been doing this work with my virtual assistant Samhar of downloading all of my old episodes, all 170 of them, and getting them transcribed with the software that I use. We use otterai. Then from there, my VA assists me by editing the transcripts to make sure that they make sense and that they are readable, that you can go to the website, download them and access them. It's another way to make the work that I do more accessible.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So I'm having this conversation with Samhar about the episodes, the topics, the work that I do. Sometimes it can be hard for you to think outside of yourself, to describe who you are and what you do from the perspective of someone who is new to meeting you and your work. So Samhar mentioned something about how a lot of what I talk about is- what I say, which is... Last year, I started to be more specific about saying that I'm focusing on demystifying the grad school journey and teaching sustainable productivity tips and practices, and also focusing on personal development. So not just professional development, but the personal development aspect of getting to know ourselves better to live more values oriented lives or more aligned lives, however you want to call that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But yeah, Samhar mentioned- but also, you are chronically ill. You are neurodivergent, and what you share is informed by that lens. And I thought to myself, you know what? That's true, and that's right. Those are the voices that I want to keep uplifting too, because I know that my platform is all about supporting first gen bipoc students, first gen students of color. But then that added element is that my perspective is from someone who is chronically ill and neurodivergent, and has learned more about it recently- in the last couple of years.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another thing that has come up is that because I've started to talk about neurodivergence a little bit more, I've had more people who trust me ask me- well, Dra. Yvette, what is neurodivergence? What is neurodiversity? Maybe they're like- maybe I'm neurodivergent. I've always struggled with XY and Z, or oh, my child's teachers telling me that maybe I should get them assessed for X, Y, and Z. And of course, I always say to others- like I'm telling you now- I'm not a mental health professional. I'm not trained to diagnose anyone. But I can certainly speak from my positionality and from my experience as someone who is neurodivergent, and someone who has a partner and son who are also neurodivergent- but very different from me. So I do know a thing or two about it.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I'll start today's episode just with a little bit of the 101 stuff. I want to define these terms for clarity. When I say the word neurodivergence, I'm referring to a term that's often used to describe the ways that certain people's brains have developed or work differently than your typical person's brain. This doesn't make them any better or worse. It just means they have different strengths and different struggles. Neurodiversity is a term that acknowledges the fact that we live in a world where so many people around us are different, and we all experience and feel and interact with the world in different ways- whether we are neurodivergent or neurotypical.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So then comes the word neurotypical. That term is used to describe individuals whose behavior and brain function in ways that are considered to be the norm, or quote unquote, typical by a larger or more general population. Then the neurodivergent individual is someone who experiences neurodivergence. That's where you get neuro divergence, neurodiversity. So I hear when folks say, I am neuro diverse. I think that a lot of people, what they're trying to say is that they are neurodivergent. Because neurodiversity refers to everyone and how we all experience the world differently. But if you have been diagnosed or have a strong suspicion and can self identify in a way where you're pretty sure, but you don't have access to the resources to get a diagnosis, then yeah. It's a good chance that you are neurodivergent.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

In my case, for instance, I have struggled for most of my life- I've said this time and time again- with depression and anxiety. It's an ongoing thing, on and off. And also, more recently, in the last couple of years, realized that I'm a highly sensitive person. I don't understand why it took me so long to realize that or to figure out that there is a term for this thing. I mean, I've always been called sensitive and sometimes didn't like being called sensitive growing up. But yes, there is an actual thing called a highly sensitive person.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

In the world of neuro divergence, there are many different types, and you may or may not be familiar with all of them. I probably am not familiar with all of them. Again, this is not my - an expertise that I've kind of researched as a scholar of neuro divergence, but I am familiar. Some of the ones that a lot of us hear about are ADHD, autism, dyslexia. There's also other forms of neuro divergence. There's dyscalculia, epilepsy, obsessive compulsive disorder, highly sensitive person. This includes also folks who struggle with chronic mental health disorders like depression and anxiety. And also individuals who have learning disabilities. There's a lot more of things that fall under the neuro divergence umbrella, and we all experience that same thing differently, too.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So you might know more than one autistic person and they're so different- like my husband and son. They're so different. You might not know someone who has ADHD, and then you know someone else who is ADHD. Again, they might be so different. We all experience it differently, although there are some common markers. So in my case, HSP, or being highly sensitive, is one of them. And I have struggled with that for most of my life without knowing what it was. I always thought that it was just a byproduct of struggling with depression and anxiety. But it's more than that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

People who are highly sensitive happen to have deeper cognitive processing to emotional, social and physical stimuli. It's similar to having a sensory processing disorder in that you have a sensitivity to sensory stimuli. So how do you know if you're highly sensitive? There's a good chance that you might be highly compassionate. You might experience emotions intensely. You might think, analyze and worry more than others. They might be easily aroused, easily stimulated, easily overwhelmed. Your might be sensitive to external stimuli. You might need more downtime than others. There also are folks who if they're highly sensitive, they're probably also highly intuitive, highly observant, very thoughtful. Like I mentioned earlier, very compassionate, highly creative, have a rich inner life and can connect deeply with others.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

There's a lot more. There are actually multiple quizzes you can find online to determine whether or not you're highly sensitive. And also, I'll have to link a book that I read about neurodivergence. I'm blanking out on the name of the book. I'll add it in the show notes. If you see a link to a book, that book has a really, really good list of characteristics of HSP. But it focuses on neurodivergence in general. If you want to learn more about that topic, I would recommend that book. So growing up, I didn't know that was a thing. I think a lot of us older millennials, sadly, unfortunately- especially women and people of color- we were not diagnosed. We didn't have access to it. Maybe professionals didn't notice these traits in us because they were conflated with maybe some cultural expectations and things like that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So a lot of us, because there's wasn't a strong conversation about neurodivergence back then, we got lost. You know, they told us girls that we're just anxious. But we didn't get these official diagnosis, and a lot of us still don't have it. But in my case, highly sensitive. And some of the negative things that I would hear other people say about me- and you might relate to this, if you suddenly realize you're highly sensitive too. This brown girl, always out in the sun, brown shy girl who grew up in a strict household with immigrant parents, with an abusive father, with older brothers who weren't always supportive, who didn't embrace all parts of my identity.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I would always hear - whether it was my brothers, or my dad, or people around me telling me, you're too sensitive. You're too emotional. You're too dramatic. You're too much. Just relax, just calm down, toughen up. I still get a little triggered just hearing myself say those things out loud, because then you start to internalize these things and associate them with you. It takes a lot of unlearning to embrace who you are and embrace the amazing things that come with being highly sensitive, or any other neurodivergence that you may identify with, that you may have.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So that, along with many other things and experiences in my childhood, resulted in me becoming a perfectionistic person, a people pleasing person, a young adult who was obsessed with learning about other people's behavior, and the how of doing things. I was always going to workshops to learn tips and tricks and strategies. I would always be wondering- so how do...? And I thought it was just a first gen thing. But more recently, I realized, it's not just a first gen experience. It's also a neurodivergent experience, where you're over analyzing other people's behavior and the way that they do things and trying to mimic them, because you've been taught your whole life that this is what you do to be successful.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

One of the examples of one of the things I struggled with a lot in college and in grad school was networking. And I'll be honest- I still struggle with networking. Not as much as before, but it still takes some concerted effort on my behalf. But I would wonder- how do people network? How do they connect? What type of message do they send each other? How, how how? Like, how do they not be socially awkward? How do you talk to a stranger? Again, I only recently realized, wow, this is a thing. My strong interest and desire in learning about other people's behavior and how they do things-the how, and then shedding light on that how on this podcast, for instance- that's part of how I've learned to navigate and survive in this world.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Knowing what I know now, if I could write a letter or record a podcast to my former self, if I could talk to my former self, these are some of the things that I wish I would have done, or I would have done more, or I would have done better to improve the way that my higher ed experience was as a highly sensitive student. Because I had a lot of struggles, and I didn't 100% embrace all the awesome things about me. And, again, I wish that I did. So here are the things I would say to myself.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The first is - in terms of advice. And this is to anyone who may be struggling. The first thing, if you perceive that you might be neurodivergent, or you have been diagnosed and you know that you are. If you haven't received an official diagnosis, I would recommend taking advantage of your student health insurance. I'm someone who didn't have health insurance until I got to college. I didn't go to doctors until I got to college. So I understand the experience of not having financial and educational and health resources. Yeah, healthcare resources.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

If it's possible, if it's feasible- you're a student, you have student health insurance. Look into talking to a professional, a medical professional, and getting a diagnosis or getting some type of documentation. It may not necessarily have to be a diagnosis, but having these things- whatever your symptoms are, whatever your characteristics are, having them documented or having a diagnosis, that would have helped me because then I could have learned about the different supports that I'd have access to through the disability services office.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I unfortunately, struggled a lot with internalized ableism. I would shame myself for being so anxious, for feeling like the world was too much, for getting overwhelmed easily, for struggling to socialize, for going on for hours, days, sometimes weeks masking. Masking is where you try to behave the way that others behave, but then it leaves you feeling depleted at the end of it, when you unmask and you're your authentic, true self. It can be really tiring to be masking all day, or for days or for weeks on end. I mean, I know that to some extent I was able to socialize and have friends and all of that in college. But I did struggle, and I did often break down at the end of each quarter. It was like a sigh of relief. Like oh, I survived another quarter. That's when it all kind of came flooding, all the emotions came flooding.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Again, learn about seeking healthcare related support from some sort of medical professional, getting documentation, and validating that your experience is a thing and that you deserve support. Just because what your experience doesn't look like other types of disabilities- maybe because it's not a visible disability, maybe because you're not needing to use a mobility aid, you might feel bad. You might even gaslight yourself, like no, I don't need help, or I'm not struggling that much. Or maybe, I shouldn't make things easier for me. Maybe it's a form of cheating the system. I don't want to cheat the system. But no, if you're struggling this much, and if you have the confirmation of a medical professional, then yes, you are entitled to support. I want to say that again. Yes, you are entitled to support. You don't have to keep struggling or struggling to this extent forever. Okay?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next thing I want to say- and this again, I know that it comes from a place of privilege. But if it's possible, if it's feasible, if it's within your ability, if you have access to it, work with a therapist to receive ongoing support. As a student, you might have access to a certain number of therapy sessions through your Counseling and Psychological Services Center or office. It might not be every week that you can see someone. Maybe it's every other week. Maybe it's every month. But actually nowadays, there are more options for online therapy support and for relatively more affordable options. I relatively, because even for some of us, the only affordable option is free and that's just really hard to find. But if it's within your means, if you have access to it, take advantage and get that support.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I can't tell you just how helpful it is to have someone else who can help you navigate difficult transitions, especially if you struggle with transitions and change. And a lot of us who are highly sensitive, we really, really struggle with change. I had a therapist who helped me navigate my transition with quitting my higher ed job and moving abroad. I have a therapist now who's been helping me with navigating life as an immigrant in a new country, and now deciding I want to move back to the US. So my therapist is going to be helping me with navigating that other transition. Because I'm not moving back home home. Lots of a change. But now I know that I can handle it, even though I'm highly sensitive. Why? Because I have support and resources and tools. I can't afford to see her often. But even if it's once a month, it still helps.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next thing I want to say to all highly sensitive students out there is to find your safe and calm spaces. This is one thing I did do without even realizing it. I was always on a mission to find spots on the UCLA campus that were quiet, that were calm and that were hidden. I remember many, many years ago, finding- it's probably not even a hidden gem anymore. But I found this gem spot on the fourth or fifth floor of the Arts Library. Hardly anybody would be there, and they were all these tables and outlets and windows and a view. It was perfect. I think it got me through a lot of dissertating, a lot of writing on my dissertation.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But yeah, the safe and calm spaces include your home. Maybe you live with roommates- ensuring that your roommates are people that help to make you feel safe and calm, that they're not having parties all the time, because that's probably not going to be great for your nervous system. It may mean having conversations with roommates about expectations and needs. In some cases, it might also mean moving out, finding new roommates, or if it's within your means, living on your own. So safe and calm spaces are important, because again, we need more calm and more downtime than a lot of other people.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

This I say to everybody- this next thing I'm gonna say, it applies to everyone. But it especially applies to you if you're highly sensitive. It's seeking out supportive mentors. Please try not to get discouraged if you run into unsupportive faculty, lackluster faculty, busy faculty, toxic faculty. It's not always easy to find the supportive ones, and it takes a lot of effort for you to reach out and meet with them and all that. The list goes on and on about developing a relationship. But please, please, please don't give up. Find supportive mentors. You don't need to disclose anything to them if you're not comfortable. But keep pushing yourself to the extent that is safe to you so that you can expand your support system to include professors and mentors who are not going to hurt your well being.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Sometimes it's inevitable and you've got a faculty member or someone whose course you're taking or an advisor or someone who's just really difficult to work with. And if there's no way shape or form for you to change that, then surround yourself with other people who can help you with navigating that or who can provide you with the support you're not receiving from that professor, from that advisor. Definitely seek out supportive mentors, because they will make a big difference in your experience.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The other thing I want to say that I wish I would have told myself- I wish someone would have told me, if I knew better. That's to embrace embrace yourself. Embrace your talents. Embrace your skills. Embrace the things that make you you. Maybe you're really good at one on one encounters rather than group encounters. So then embrace that. Go to office hours and do your participating there. Talk to a professor or a TA one on one. If you prefer a smaller circle of friends, then don't force yourself to go to big parties. Maybe try planning smaller get togethers. Maybe go to events in more calmer or intimate environments. Maybe you're really creative. Then find an outlet to express that creativity. And it's okay to do that, even if it's unrelated to what you're studying. It'll actually help you, because it'll give you a reward. That can be your reward. That can motivate you to get your other work done. So embrace- embrace your talents.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Along that line, similarly, do things that fill your cup. This could be considered self care to some. But I mean, in your case, if you're highly sensitive, do things that help to calm you down. This can mean meditation, journaling, yoga, taking a hot shower or bath, deep breathing exercises, stretches, alone time, spending time with an emotional support animal, walking out doors, going out into nature, you name it. Figure out what are the things that fill your cup, that help to calm you down, and do more of those things. And integrate them into your daily or weekly routine.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next thing is really important- really, really, really important. That is to consider your speed. What I mean by that is that as someone who is highly sensitive, I know that I don't work at the same speed as others. I'm highly sensitive and and I'm chronically ill. I definitely don't work at the same speed as others. So you might not be able to go at the same pace as your peers. You might not be able to take as many courses, take on as many projects, or even finish your program in the same number of years as your peers. Maybe you might need to take a break. Maybe you might need to take an extra year.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

For that, I do think it's important to -right now, if you're a student now- go and look up your university or department's leave policies. Find out about their extended time policies. Don't wait until you have an emergency to look into this, and see if this is even feasible for you. Because what if having one more year could make all the difference between you struggling, or making yourself sick, or debating leaving your program, to you finishing your program and finishing well or finishing with more clarity or more confidence. It's not the worst thing in the world if you take longer. It's not the worst thing in the world if you take a leave, especially if it allows you to do things in your own way on your own terms.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So consider your speed. I know it's hard to not fall into that tendency of the comparison trap, comparing yourself to your peers, the folks in your cohort, to see everybody graduating before you are or making more progress than you. But they are not you. They don't have your timeline, and it doesn't make them any better or worse than you. We just all work differently. The sooner you learn to embrace that, the sooner you'll be able to more confidently advocate for yourself so that you can meet your own intrinsic goals and you can be successful according to again, your own definition of success. So consider your speed. That's super duper important.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The last thing I want to share- and I've said this. Again, this applies to everyone, but it's especially important for neurodivergent and highly sensitive students. That is to learn to set boundaries and to learn to advocate for yourself as soon as possible. I didn't learn how to say no. I didn't learn how to set boundaries. I had no boundaries in grad school. So I didn't learn all of this until after grad school. What can help you if you struggle with this too- like I did- is to start keeping track of moments that trigger your nervous system. Maybe you pull out your little notes app, or you have a little notebook that you carry with you everywhere. Or you just find a place where you can jot down your thoughts of moments that have triggered your nervous system to go on overdrive. Just start to track them.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Then later, when you're not on overdrive, when you're not feeling that intensity, when you feel a little more calm, go back to those notes and think to yourself- well, is there something that I can do about it? Is there something that I could do differently next time? Maybe you struggle with receiving written feedback. Maybe next time, you can ask your professor if they can provide verbal feedback. Maybe they record their feedback on Zoom or using some sort of audio recorder. Or maybe they give you verbal feedback with you in person when they meet with you.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Or maybe you struggle with attending and presenting conferences. It's really overwhelming. It's a lot of people. Maybe you could see if they can move your panel time to an early morning time on the first day, or a late afternoon, or the last session on the last day. I say this because they're usually the times that the least amount of people show up to panels. And I want to remind you that it's okay to have a small audience if your presenting at a conference. If you can't do that, you could also always keep practicing with a trusted friend. Or you could try to scope out the location beforehand, so that you can familiarize yourself with it so that it feels less overwhelming and you can minimize your anxiety too.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

If you are being pressured to do something that you really don't want to do, it's okay to say no. Again, that's part of learning to advocate for yourself is learning when to say no, and what saying no means to you. So for you, saying no to this might mean that you're saying yes to yourself and to your own sense of peace and calm- if you're saying no to something that you absolutely don't have to do. And if it is something you absolutely have to do, and it is really, really hard on you, that's where the accommodations are helpful.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

If you struggle with saying no in general, I'm going to ask you to check out episode 174 of my podcast, because in that episode, I offer email scripts that you can use to say no in different situations. I mean, if someone's asking you something right there in person and you struggle to say no, just tell them - can you give me some time to think about it? Or can you email me about it, so that I can review it and think about it? Giving yourself time will give you the time and space to come up with a way that feels safe to you to say no. So learning to set boundaries and advocating for yourself- very, very important for everyone. But again, especially highly sensitive students and neurodivergent students.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Hopefully you enjoyed today's session. I will probably do a couple more this year on neurodivergence, and I'm hoping I can find some speakers who can speak to their experiences and their knowledge on different topics. Hopefully, I can bring someone who can talk about ADHD, because I have clients who have or are ADHD. That's one thing that they're trying to learn how to navigate a little bit better. And other types of neurodivergence, and also disabilities too. So be on the lookout. It's omething that I'm going to try to bring up as a topic a little bit more.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Even if you are not neurodivergent, I think this is important to learn about because there is someone out there that you've encountered that is part of your life who is. The more we learn to support each other, the better off we are. And actually, when I talk about accessibility, accommodations, and accessibility tools with other people, you might be surprised to find out that a lot of these tools are not just great for disabled and neurodivergent folks, but they're also great for you too. The more you learn about how to support others- who knows? You might find ways to support yourself too. All right. I'll talk to you all next time.