174: Five Easy Ways to Set Boundaries in Grad School Using Email Scripts

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Welcome back, everyone to another episode of the Grad School Femtoring podcast. This is your host- academic coach, author and speaker Dra. Yvette Martinez- Vu. Today I have an episode where I'm going to be sharing five easy ways to say no and to set boundaries in grad school using email scripts. I thought I'd share some email scripts today, because I regularly notice folks in different academic spaces talking about the need to set boundaries, and how it's really good and healthy for you, that you need to advocate for yourself. And one of the things that has always been stressful for me- or at least it was back when I was a grad student learning how to set boundaries, learning how to advocate for myself- was the how.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

People keep saying do it, do it, do it. But I would always wonder- how do you do it? As a recovering people pleaser, as a recovering perfectionist, it was really hard for me to practice setting boundaries, practice advocating for myself, because I was afraid of disappointing others. I was afraid of how others might perceive me, that they might not like me, that I would be considered difficult, that people would change their mind about me. that they would stop inviting me to things, that I would lose out on opportunities. These are all the limiting beliefs that I had about why it wasn't good for me to set boundaries and why I continued- time and time again- to say yes to too many things, and overwork myself, and push myself- not just to the point of burnout, but to the point of developing a chronic illness.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So please listen up, because the email scripts I'm sharing today are meant to help simplify the process of setting boundaries for yourself - healthy boundaries for yourself. I don't think I've mentioned this enough, but on my website, gradschoolfemtoring.com, if you go to my podcast link, each episode has a transcript. If there any of these short email scripts that you would like to use, you can actually download a copy of the episode transcript. I have a really incredible VA who assists me with editing these transcripts that are available for everybody for free. So if there's any topic, you want to have the notes, you want to have the downloadable transcripts, go there.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I definitely recommend it for this episode, because you may find yourself copy, pasting some of what I'm going to be sharing right now. The five ways that you can easily set boundaries are around different ways to say no to opportunities, because maybe you're just unavailable. Maybe you want to say yes, but you want to say yes while advocating for yourself. Maybe you're saying no now, but you're not saying no to them forever. Maybe you don't think this is the right opportunity for you, but you have someone else in mind. Let's talk about this.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The first way that I mentioned is - maybe it's just a no, a flat out no, and you want to offer a quick and simple no to an opportunity. So someone emails you, says- we'd love for you to participate in this event, this service request, this panel, this talk, fireside chat, you name it. It could be a bunch of things. And you realize, I don't really want to do it, or I don't know if I have time for, or I've got too much on my plate right now. What do you say? Here's one thing you can say. You can say, I do not have the capacity to take that on at the moment. But I appreciate you for thinking of me.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

One thing you don't have to do is write a long message. You don't have to over explain. This is a common fault of mine. I tend to over explain and overshare all the time in my personal and professional life. It's really hard for me not to do it, especially as a neurodivergent person. I have a tendency of wanting to overshare. But I have learned that not everybody needs to know everything about me. So if I want to offer a quick and simple no, it is okay to not overshare, to not say why and to just say no. In some cases, it's okay to flat out just say no. Like, no, thank you. I'm not available. That's it. I don't have the capacity to take that on at the moment.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Why do I like this message? I like this message because nobody else can tell you what you have or don't have the capacity to do. Nobody else is you, has your body, has your commitments. They can't push back against this because trust me. If you're someone who is known for saying yes to a lot of things, or for people pleasing, some folks might associate you as that person that is always going to say yes. If you surprise them with a no, they might get caught off guard and they might push back a little because they're so used to having you around, having you be the person who's always there. So if you say I don't have the capacity for it, they can't push back against that, because who are they to say what you have the capacity to do?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another script you can use is- unfortunately, I won't be able to attend. I hope it goes well. Or unfortunately, I can't make it. Have a great event. And you don't even have to say unfortunately. You can say I'm unavailable. I won't be able to attend. I can't make it. Thanks for thinking of me. That's it - really simple, one to two lines, a couple of words. That's it- quiick and simple note. Why do I like saying this? Because, again, short and simple. And you're also wishing them good thoughts. You're sending well wishes. You're not just saying I'm not available, and keeping it kind of curt- although it's okay to be curt or blunt. But if you want to be a little bit more polite, or considerate, or conscientious of their feelings, you send them well wishes, especially if you actually mean it.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The next script you can use is - I'm maxed out at the moment, but I appreciate the opportunity. Again, you're extending your appreciation. You're saying thank you. It's a way of saying thank you for thinking of me. I'm appreciative. But you're maxed out. No one can push back against you saying you're maxed out, because they don't know what you have going on in your life. So I'm maxed out- it's really hard for people to push against that. That's why I like it. Those are quick and simple no's.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Now let's say you have a scenario where you want to say yes, but it's kind of pushing against your boundaries and you're trying to find a way to compromise. Then you can find a way to use "yes and." You're saying yes to the opportunity, and you follow it up with a way for you to advocate for yourself and your needs. Here's an example. I'd be thrilled to participate in this event. I would love to hear about any compensation that will be provided. So many of us are invited to things and are expected to provide free labor, and not all of us can do that. Not all of us are willing to do that. I know I can no longer do many free events anymore, because I do this for a living. I get taxed at a really high rate. I'm barely making ends meet to survive and to sustain my family. So asking for compensation is one way that I set a boundary and that I advocate for myself. And you can do that too. If again, that's one of your boundaries.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another way you can kind of advocate for yourself is by saying, I'm interested in helping out. I would love to learn about any childcare options available for student parents. This may happen. Let's say you're invited to be on a panel at a conference, or maybe you're invited to an evening event and you know you don't have childcare at that time. Maybe it's on a weekend- again, no childcare. Most of us who are working parents, if we do have childcare, it's happening during normal business hours. That's if we have any at all. So anything that falls outside of business hours, it's completely okay to ask about childcare opportunities or compensation to pay for childcare, or to ask if it's possible to move the event to business hours when you will have childcare.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I like this message because not only are you advocating for yourself, but you're actually advocating for others as well. You're normalizing the fact that there are student parents out there, or that there are folks who have kids out there. And you are making an issue that is an institutional issue more visible in the spaces that you enter. I've done this a lot of times. Most of the time, they didn't have childcare. Most of the time they didn't have compensation for childcare either. And after that, I would kindly say, no. Say, thank you so much for looking into it. I appreciate it. Unfortunately, due to lack of childcare, I won't be able to make it. But please consider me for any events that are occurring during normal business hours. So that's the second script about saying- I'd be interested and I would love to know about childcare opportunities.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another script that you can use when it comes to advocating for yourself is you can say- wow, what a great opportunity. I actually won't be available in person, but I'd love to learn - or and I'd love to learn if there are any virtual events that I can attend. I've also done this, because I've been invited to events in the US while living in Portugal. And I'm expected to travel there. There's no compensation. I'm expected to travel. If you don't know this already, travel from Europe to the US is expensive. So I've asked if there is a way that I can participate virtually. Some people say yes, some people say no. Either way, it's okay, because you're setting your boundary and it's up to others to see if they can work with that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Then one other way- a very, very easy way to advocate for yourself- is to say, I'd be happy to help. Let me tell you what I can do. Maybe they've invited you to do something, and you can say- okay, let me tell you what I can do. If they're asking you to do X, Y, and Z, you can say, I'm unable to do z, but I can do X and Y. Or maybe they're inviting you to serve as an organizer for an event, and you're like- I'm unable to take on this leadership position, but I'm happy to volunteer on the day of, or this is what I can do. So happy to help, let me tell you what I can do.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Now, let's talk about a different scenario. Let's say you've told yourself- this is a year, you're really going to be firm on your boundaries, because you need to prioritize a very big thing in your life. Maybe you need to prioritize dissertation writing. Maybe you need to prioritize your health. Maybe you need to prioritize a new full time job that you got. Maybe you need to prioritize studying for your qualifying exams. Maybe you need to prioritize applying to new jobs to get out of this toxic job that you have right now. Whatever it is, there's something else that's pressing that's happening for you right now, that's making it hard for you to say yes to anything else.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

In this case, you're saying no because you're saying yes to something else. Remember, every time you're saying no, you're saying yes to something. So if someone presents you with an opportunity that seems interesting, but you know this is the year you're really going to focus on your dissertation. You're saying no to them, and you remind yourself- because I'm saying yes to my dissertation. Here's something that you can say. I won't be accepting any service requests while I prioritize my dissertation writing this semester. Thank you for considering me. Or- at this time, I can't take on any extra commitments while I focus on completing my qualifying exams. I appreciate you thinking of me.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Here's another one. I will be on leave on those dates and won't be able to make it. If you're comfortable, you can say the type of leave that you're going to be on. You can say, I will be on medical leave, or I will be on pregnancy leave, or I will be taking a two week vacation. Why? This is only based on your comfort levels. You don't have to overshare. But I do selective sharing now, where if I share something, it's because I'm trying to normalize something. I'm trying to normalize- like I share a lot when I'm sick and my kids are sick, because why? I am someone who is chronically ill. So illness is part of my day to day life. And being a parent- it's hard to be a parent with sick kids.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I want to normalize, I want to shed light on that. So I may share about that sometimes. If someone invites me to something, and it's short notice, and I'm sick, I will say- unfortunately, due to time restrictions and the fact that I am sick or my kids are sick, I won't be able to make it this time. Please invite me to the next one. In this case, I will be on leave. I will be on pregnancy leave at that time, or I will be on pregnancy leave around those dates and won't be able to make it. But I'm grateful that you thought of me, and please reach out to me when I return. That's it.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another circumstance or situation, scenario, may be where you're setting a boundary that's temporary. Maybe you're just giving someone a temporary no, because of something that's going on right now. But you know that you want to be considered for this in the future. That's okay, too. It's okay to say no, and to say that it's a temporary no. How do you do this? You can say something like- this is one if it's setting a boundary with a family member. You can tell them, I won't be able to attend any big family events until June. I appreciate your support and understanding. Let's make plans to get together them. This way, if your family member is understanding, supportive, respect your boundaries, they'll know okay, I'm not gonna invite them to anything between now and June. But also I miss them, so I'll start to plan something to do with them in July, or whatever the date is.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another temporary, no script that you can use is saying, I'm completely booked for conferences this year. But let's make plans to form a panel for next year's conference. Maybe you're overbooked, and it's okay to say that. Another thing you can say is, I'm wrapping up an experiment this quarter and I'm at capacity. But please reach out next quarter when I'll have more time. Again, sometimes these are temporary no's. There are moments in our life where we have more room to breathe, and we're willing to say yes a little bit more. Depending on the opportunity, you may want to indicate that it's temporary, because it's something you would like to participate in in the future or something you would like to do in the future.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The last scenario that I want to talk about is a scenario where maybe this opportunity isn't great for you. Maybe it's not good for you at this time. But you genuinely have someone else in mind and you want to uplift them. You want to share the wealth, share the opportunities. You want to open up opportunities for them. I love this as a scenario, because I'm always really grateful when other people mention my name somewhere. Maybe someone says that they're not available for academic coaching and editing, and they send a client over my way. That's awesome. Or vice versa. Sometimes I'm at capacity and can't take on any additional clients. I will say - unfortunately, I'm at capacity. I'm not taking clients at this moment. But here are a few trusted editors who I recommend or trusted coaches who I recommend. And it's great because you're supporting each other.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Same goes with any other opportunity. If it's a speaking opportunity, if it's a conference opportunity, organizing opportunity, teaching opportunity. Maybe it's not good for you, but it might be great for someone else who is looking to get this type of experience. Before I start with the scripts, please, please, please make sure that if you're giving someone a person's name and contact information that you ask them in advance, that you ask them if it's okay for you to share their name and contact information. The only exception is if you're referring someone to a service and they have a website for it. So if you're referring someone, as an example, to my academic coaching services, you don't have to email me and say, is it okay if I recommend you and your services to my friend. You can just send them my website. That's fine. But if it's something else where you're getting someone's name and someone's email, it's best to ask. Ask first. If they say- yeah, sure, send them my info. Then go ahead and do that. And you can say that. You can say- I wish I could make it but I'm unavailable at this time. I'm happy to reach out to my network and see if someone else can go in my absence, or I'm going to reach out to a friend and get back to you.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another thing you can say is, thanks so much for considering me. I'm unable to accept any new mentees or clients at this time, but I know someone who might be able to help you. Please reach out to them at- and give their info. Or you can say- that sounds like a great opportunity. Although I'm unavailable, I know the perfect person who can help. And ideally, this is if you already asked that person. That person is interested and has said- yes. Send them my info. These are five ways and lots of different scripts around how to say no and how to set boundaries. Again, I'm offering them because I have not seen a lot of information out there, whether it's through trade presses, whether it's through blogs, whether it's through podcasts, whether it's through social media platforms, that actually share the how- to actually share the scripts for what to say to set boundaries.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I know that can be anxiety inducing for some of us, so I hope that you can exercise one or more of these scripts throughout the year. Again, download the transcript if you find that helpful. The other thing I'm going to do is I'm going to add a link in the show notes to one article that I did find helpful. Let me pull it up really quick, so I can give the exact title. It's called 21 Ways to Give Good No by Christine Carter. This is from 2014, believe it or not. It's a little outdated. But the examples that are offered- the 21 different ways - are actually quite helpful. So I'm gonna link that in my show notes today.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

That's it for this week. I hope you all are enjoying your start of the year. I believe this is gonna get released at the end of January. This is a good time to continue setting your goals, reinforcing your boundaries and really prioritizing the things that matter most to you. All right, y'all. I'll talk to you all next time.