164: How to Get Unstuck in School and Life, A Life Assessment Exercise

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Welcome back, everyone, to the Grad School Femtoring podcast. This is your host, Dra. Yvette. Today I have a solo episode on how to get unstuck in school and life- a life assessment exercise. This topic came up for me actually on social media. Let me start by saying that I am not a huge fan of social media or content creation. I have struggled with that aspect of my business since I started the podcast, since I pursued my business full time and all of that. So content creation hasn't come easy to meet. But recently, one thing that I've been trying to do is to- rather than kind of waiting for followers and folks and people, and rather than following along to what other content creators are focusing on or doing- instead, to serve the people that are currently working with me. To serve my clients- to provide them with information, with lessons, with stories, with material that will help them now.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

One of the things that I've been doing with a few clients is really doing more of what you can call life coaching, which is really kind of taking stock of their life and doing life assessments. And I thought, well, this might be something to share on social media. If I'm already doing it behind closed doors, why not share with my followers? So I did. I made a post in mid October, around that time. You could probably find it on Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn. Those are some of the places where I can be found on social media.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

That post went by the same title- how to get unstuck in school and life, a life assessment exercise, and it included a wheel of life graphic. Essentially, I'm asking my reader- are you feeling stuck in your life? Are you feeling like you're drowning in work and don't know what to do about it? Do you feel like you need a change, but you don't know how to get there? Because guess what? I've been there. Guess what? A lot of people that are in need of coaching are there right now.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

This was just me a little over a year ago, where I found myself thinking, oh my goodness. I've reached all of these life milestones. I got my PhD. I got married. I had two kids. I bought a home. I got a salary job. I'm working with a population of my choice, and I'm doing good work. But why am I still struggling so much? Why am I feeling so burnt out? Why am I unhappy? And what can I do about it?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

One of the things that I was doing on the side was listening to podcasts and audiobooks. Any time- any spare time that I had, whether it was doing chores, or driving to work, or during my lunch hour, I would just sit and listen to personal finance podcasts, personal development and life coaching podcasts. That was when I was introduced- it was probably in reading some of Brene Brown's work too- to this idea of thinking about your values and living a values- aligned to life. And that's when I realized, okay, something in my life is off.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

And one of the things was that I was working more than my body was capable of. I was not just at capacity, I was beyond capacity. My cup was empty. There was also this concept that I've heard about- pouring from an overflow. So pouring enough into yourself, taking care of yourself to the point where you can give to others freely from a place of overflow. I never understood what that was like because I was always running on empty before. But I've reached that point now in my life where I can even sense a difference in the way that I speak. I'm not sure if that's true. I'll have to compare some of my older episodes.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But I do find myself- I'm comfortable with a pause. I'm comfortable with being a little more slow. I'm comfortable with saying things more intentionally, and not just rushing, rushing, rushing like I would before. So yes, I have been there- where I have felt stuck, where I have felt like I'm drowning in work, where I have had breakdowns and thought to myself, something has to change. I am going to- I've already worked myself sick. I worked myself to the point of developing a chronic illness.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But now, I'm at risk of working myself to death. I know that sounds very serious and severe. And no, I've never been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Thank goodness- I'm gonna knock on wood. But it really did feel like it was a matter of life or death in terms of where I was going. I was like, I can't keep going like this. I don't feel well. Even though a lot of things- I had checked a lot of boxes that I thought that I wanted, that would make me feel happy and fulfilled. It just wasn't it. And I wish that I had had this little exercise. I did not complete this exercise right then and there. I did do it after moving abroad. But I did really consider my values. So the social media post that I shared was about completing a life assessment exercise.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The life assessment really is just an exercise in taking stock of your life and noticing any areas where you have gaps. There are different types of life assessments. Some of them are questionnaires that you fill out. Some of them just have you rate different areas of your life from one to ten, and then it'll create a little wheel of life diagram for you. You can look it up. I'm tempted to create my own. But there are a lot of free ones online. You can just find one, fill it out. Or you can create your own by determining what are the main areas in your life that matter to you.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

By this I mean- let me think about different areas. It could be your relationships, your physical health, your mental health, your career, your finances. Someone mentioned that they add their culture to them, because it's important for them to make sure that they're always living their life in accordance with their cultural practices. So you decide the different life categories that are meaningful to you. It could include spirituality or religion.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Then write them and see- what are the areas that you haven't been focusing as much on? Is it your financial life? Is it your personal life? Is it your friendships? Is it your career? Probably not your career, because if you're listening to Grad School Femtoring, you're probably in college or in grad school, and you've been focusing on that. But figure out what the gaps are. Then based on those gaps, think about- well, one, is it important to you for you to reduce those gaps? And if so, what can you do now to make space for reducing them? What can you say no to now, so that you can say yes to other areas of your life?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

This is hard. It is hard to say no to things. It is hard to set boundaries. It is hard to do less when you already feel like what you do may not be good enough. It is hard to say no to things if you are living on survival mode, and you have been living in survival mode most of your life. It is hard to say no to things when you're surrounded by toxic people, toxic cultures. But at the end of the day, you do have a choice in these matters. And you can make small changes in your life to make space for the other things that you haven't made room for.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

In my case, in grad school, I did not focus enough on my personal life, on my friendships, on my family, on having a social life, on having fun. I did focus a lot on my academics, my achievements. I focused a lot on meeting my milestones and people pleasing, because that's all I was taught growing up. And I thought that I wanted all of the achievements, all of the awards. Then when I started to get them, I thought to myself, wow. I got this national, highly competitive fellowship, and I'm still not happy. So what is up with that? Again, this is where it's important to notice the gaps in your life. What are you not tending to enough? Also, to think about the things that are meaningful to you, that are valuable to you. What are your values?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Think about that. Think about the small changes you can implement, the boundaries you can set now to make room for the gaps- the things that you haven't made room for. But then- just to dive deeper, this is not something I shared on that short social media post. If you want to dive deeper on this topic, in this exercise, then go ahead, click pause. Get a sheet of paper, get a pen, and write down a couple of questions that I'm about to share with you.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

The first question- I keep talking about values. So understandably, I'm going to ask you, what are your core values? Ask yourself, what are my core values? And what am I doing now to honor my values? Has anybody ever asked you this before? If you've listened to my podcast, I know there's been another- at least one other episode where I talk about this. It might be the episode where I talk about journaling questions to help you dream again. But think about that. If no one's ever asked you what your values are, if you've never done a values assessment, you can look that up. Look up personal values assessment, values assessment, or even Brene Brown's list of values, and you'll find a bunch of options.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Ideally, you want to narrow it down to a couple. You don't want to have too many, because they could be competing with one another. But figure out what those are. Then think about your life, and see if you really have been living your life in accordance to those values. Do you value achievement? I thought I did. Then I realized, in getting the achievements, that actually, jk. It's not one of my values after all. Your values could change over time, too. So it's good to note that.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Do you value creativity? I know that that's something that some of my dear friends value, and they noticed in their grad school trajectory that their creativity had been stifled. So they kind of went back to doing the creative things as they finished and after grad school. Do you value financial stability? If so, that's directly going to impact the type of work that you do.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

In my case, for instance, I didn't realize until last year- really, it was last year- that I value tranquility. Isn't that wild that I didn't know that? I value peace. Maybe it's because I grew up one of six kids. There was always noise. Maybe it's because I'm a highly sensitive person. Maybe it's because I grew up with trauma. I don't know, it could be a number of things. But having the sense of tranquility and peace and slowness in my life is very important. So moving abroad has been really, really helpful for me in attaining that sense of tranquility. Owning my own business has been really helpful for me, because I can set my own hours. I can choose how much I work. I can listen to my body and slow down when I need it- when I need to do it more than other times.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I have chosen to let go of people- that includes friendships. That's tough, to let go of people who you care about, but who are actually not good for you. That includes letting go of places. I let go of my hometown, my home state, the place where all of my friends and family were- in pursuit of tranquillity. You can let go of things. I let go of most things I owned, and only brought what I could fit in two suitcases. Well, two suitcases and a carry on. There's a lot that you can let go of in pursuit of that core value of yours- which for me, tranquility is one of them. That's a personal one in my personal life, too.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

There's also other values. I know you might already know this in listening to my podcast and following along to my social media, or just if you know me as a person. I value accessibility and compassion. I am a highly sensitive neurodivergent. I'm constantly borderline struggling with depression and anxiety. I am chronically ill. So teaching myself compassion- being self compassionate- and then offering that compassion to others has transformed my life.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Trying to make work accessible. So information, making that information that I've learned in the years that I've been in this higher ed space- and now, coaching edupreneur space. It's important to me to make that information accessible. I don't think that you need to be paying for this stuff. Everybody should have a right to learn about higher education. Everybody should have a right to learn about personal and professional development. So that's why I do this. No one pays me for the podcast, at least not yet. I put in at least four hours a week, every week.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Again, out of just a labor of love to share this information- information that I also share with my paid clients. Information that I also happily share with friends and family who are curious and who ask. Information that I share with my own son, with my partner, with anybody who is around my circle, my bubble. It's important to share information. It's important to not gatekeep. Accessibility is big for me. Compassion is huge for me. So I live my life in accordance to those values. And I don't think I've ever felt more at peace and joyful.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

At one point in grad school, I forgot what it was like to feel joy. I forgot the things that made me happy. I don't want that for you all. I know what it's like to be in a really deep, dark depression. If you are struggling that much, I highly suggest that you get professional help. Some of us need the help of psychologists. Some of us need the help of psychiatrists. Some of us need therapy. Some of us need medication to be functional. And you know what? That is okay. If you're struggling, there is help out there. It makes a difference. There is hope. I know, I've been there. I've been there, where I've really, really been down, and really, really struggled, and couldn't see outside. I couldn't see the light. I didn't have hope. But it is possible. It really is possible.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

This exercise is not going to cure your depression or anxiety if you're struggling with that, if you're struggling with any other mental illness disorder. But if you are at least at a baseline where you are functional- for me, in my life, with my mental health issues, with my physical health issues, I have my baseline. This is my baseline of where I'm functional, I can do things. It's not at the same capacity as other people. I don't have the same energy levels, or- as some of us call them- spoons. I don't have the same number of spoons as other people. But I have enough that I can do work that matters, live a life that's values aligned, and feel at peace and joyful. For the most part, because life still happens. I still have my days where I don't feel great.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Anyway, I got a little bit derailed there. But if you need personal or professional support and help, please please seek that out, especially as a student. Take advantage of any resources that you have access to. And if you are at a place in your life where you are functional, and you're trying to work on your personal development, you're trying to really curate a life that makes you happy. Then try these things out. Try the life assessment, or the Wheel of Life assessment, or the values or personal values assessment.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

There's also another question I want to ask you for your journaling. That is- ask yourself, what am I spending most of my time on? Who am I becoming? Who do I surround myself with? If you take a look at your calendar or start to make observations about how you spend your time, you'll start to notice a few things. Maybe you're scrolling on social media a lot, and maybe it's not positively impacting your mental health. Maybe you notice you're spending most of your life and most of your time attending to other people's needs rather than your own. Maybe you're surrounding yourself with people that are not that great for you. Maybe they're toxic individuals who are draining your energy.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Maybe- I don't know. There's a lot of things about like, who am I becoming? That question- to me when I think about- is, you are what you do or you are who you surround yourself with. I think about these phrases. So for me, I love organizational tools. I love getting organized. I love productivity tools. And it's ironic, because I am not trying to be the most productive person. I like being efficient with my time because I don't have a lot of it. I don't have as much time as other people where I'm functional and can get a lot of work done.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Because of that I just really love- being organized has helped me with kind of managing the many different areas of my life. But I never really thought about myself as oh, this is who I'm becoming- because I spend a lot of time on the side looking up stuff to enhance your productivity, your performance, your time management, your project management, all that stuff- systems management. You name it. I love that stuff. Personal development is also a big one for me. Mentoring, femtoring, coaching- those are all things that I've spent so much time on, not realizing that these are the things that I'm becoming.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Being a writer too. I have struggled with identifying as a writer because of the comparison trap, which is not good. Thinking about all these other people who write in much more- I don't know- metaphoric, beautiful ways than I do. I write in a very kind of direct, straightforward way. I write the way I speak. But you know what? I spend so much time writing, whether it's writing notes in preparation for my podcast episode, journaling, from just my own personal development, whether it's working on blog posts, writing social media content, writing my book- the Grad School Femtoring Guide. I write a lot. So I am a writer.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Think about that. What are the things that you're spending the most time on? Who are you becoming? Are you becoming a scholar? Are you becoming a writer? Are you becoming a teacher, professor instructor? What is it that you're becoming? What you do, what you spend the most time on, that is going to indicate who you are becoming. Who you surround yourself with also directly impacts who you become too. So keep that in mind. Are you surrounding yourself with people who motivate you, who inspire you, who believe in you, who help you, who are supportive? If not, you might want to change your squad, change your friend group.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

That's the second question. What am I spending most of my time on? Who am I becoming? Who do I surround myself with? And trying to do that process of elimination. Like, who are the folks you want to keep? What are the things you want to keep doing, and what are the things you're going to stop doing? Who are the people you're going to try to distance yourself from?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Next and last question. We're going to be wrapping up the episode with this one. This is a big one. It reminds me of another question I think I've asked me in the podcast too. What would I do if I couldn't fail at it? Let me say it again. What would I do if I couldn't fail at it? This reminds me of a question I've asked other folks in my life, clients, femtees, friends. What would you do if you didn't have any restrictions? If you had all the money in the world, if you had all the time in the world, if you had- if your health- everything. If you had all the things that you needed, what would you do? How would you spend your time? So what would you do if you couldn't fail at it?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

This is a really exciting question because it prompts you to dream. I think that something that's amazing about children- and why I adore my kids, and I'm going to be so sad as they grow up and become adults- is that children can't help but dream. And they dream big. They dream without limitations. As we grow up, so many things affect us that we lose sight of that skill of dreaming. I do think it's a skill, because it's one that I'm working on even for myself right now. Dreaming is huge because that is how you plant seeds. That is how something gets started. It starts with just that dream, and that dream then becomes a possibility.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

So if you're dreaming, think about it. Oh my gosh, the sky's the limit. Would you become an Olympic athlete? Would you become a parent, or live child free? Would you become a New York Times bestselling author or an award winning speaker? Would you become a CEO of a company, a president of a university, a director of a nonprofit? Would you move abroad? Would you travel the world? Would you earn six figures? Would you become a millionaire? Would you break a world record? Would you invent a new thing? Would you go to space? Would you pursue your artistry full time? Would you create a scholarship? Would you change careers? Would you? Would you?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I have to ask again. What would you do if you couldn't fail at it? Oof, that's a big one for me. Hopefully, it's true for you too. You know what? You might think- okay, what's the point in dreaming? Because maybe what you're dreaming about appears impossible, or inconceivable, or just outside of the scope of your capacity. Sometimes it can feel like- you might feel discouraged, because you think well, who am I to dream when all I've ever done is be in survival mode? Who am I to dream if no one in my family has ever done anything like this before? Who am I to dream when the world seemingly is falling apart? Who am I to dream if it's gonna take me so long to get there?

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But like I mentioned before, if you don't dream, then you don't have that possibility. But if you really, actually have an idea and decide to pursue it, if you do your research, if you talk to people who have done it or who are trying to do it, if you create a plan. Maybe it'll take you a year, five years, ten years, twenty years, your entire life. But you can get there, no matter how big the dream is.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I'll share an example. One of my dreams was to move abroad. I talk about this a lot because that is my life right now. I live in Portugal. I'm a born and raised Cali, SoCal girl. I had never even moved out of state before this. And I grew up sheltered. I grew up not being allowed to play outside in our front yard. I grew up indoors all the time. You know, gun violence is a big thing. Gang violence was a big thing in my community. And I became a very anxious, nervous, hyper vigilant person. So for me to travel, for me to move abroad, for me to get out of my comfort zone, for me to get away from my tight knit Mexican family, that was huge. That took a lot of courage. That was a big leap.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But it happened just because all of a sudden, it was something that came up for me. I was like, oh, maybe I can move abroad. Then I looked into it. I did the research and I realized, wow. This is actually a possibility. Then I made a plan and I follow through with it. And it happened. The reason why it happened for me so quickly is because of that sense of urgency that I had. But you don't have to do things quickly. You can take your time. You can really kind of decide and do what you need to do to be comfortable, confident in the decisions that you make.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

That was one of my dreams and I did it. It sounds silly when you say- I did it, you can do it too. I know0 our circumstances are very different. I also have a certain set of privileges that not everybody has, but I also have a certain set of types of oppression and limitations that other people don't have. So we just work with what we have within our means and pursue our dreams.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

Another dream that I've had for many years- oof, this is probably since I started grad school, I don't know, thirteen years maybe- is to write that grad school guide. To write a guide for first gen students of color, demystifying the grad school admissions process and sharing everything that I wish that I had known when I struggled through my grad apps. And I'm doing it now. Yes, it's been a while but I'm finally doing it. I'm doing it now. I have a full manuscript done. I'm so excited. I know we still have revisions. We still have a lot of other work to do. But the fact that we're working on it, we're doing it, is incredible.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I have more dreams though. It doesn't just end there. I dream of being a children's book author. When I see other children's books that are getting published, I get so excited. Then I feel a deep sense of longing for the book that I know that I have inside of me, that I want to offer to other mixed kids, to other neurodivergent kids, to other kids who just feel different, who are unique, who need a little bit of support in embracing their difference and in learning about self confidence and how amazing they are. I am going to be a children's book author one day. Have I started it? Nope. But it is a dream, which means it is a possibility, which means that I can get there. I can get there and I will, one book at a time. First the grad guide, then probably the children's book.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

I havee many things I want to do. I have another book. I have my own personal development book that I want to write. Or maybe it'll be a planner or journal to help people kind of better get to know themselves, to help people start their own healing journey, to help people set goals and pursue a life in alignment with their values, with their vision, with their dreams. This kind of silly stuff. It sounds kind of- I know the life development stuff can sometimes feel uncomfortable. It can feel- what's the word? I don't know, very woowoo. The whole field of life coaching in general, because it's not regulated, it's often questioned.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

But the thing is, about those of us that have done the life coaching, or for those of us that have done the life development work, for those of us that have assessed our lives, who have really done the deep thinking of thinking about our mission, our vision, our values, those of us who have pursued that personal branding work. We notice the outcome. We notice what happens when you do that work and how our lives have radically changed. I've been transformed by this work.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

You just can't keep it to yourself. You just want to share it with the world. You want to change other people's lives just the way you changed your own. And that's kind of what this is. Grad School Femtoring is about helping you and supporting you in navigating your grad school journey. But it's also about helping you and supporting you with your life too.

Dra. Yvette Martinez-Vu

That's it for today. I hope you found this episode on doing a life assessment, a values assessment, working on a wheel of life, answering a couple of questions about your values, about who you spend your time with, what you spend your time on, about what you'd do if you knew you wouldn't fail. I hope that it brings you some clarity and it helps you to make some changes in your life for the better. All right y'all, I will talk to you all next time