150: Navigating Grief in Post Grad Life Transitions

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Welcome back, everyone to the Grad School Femtoring podcast. This is your host, Dr. Yvette. For today's a solo episode, I'm going to be talking to you all about navigating grief in post grad life transitions.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Now, I'll start this episode by sharing a little bit of a personal update. I'm recording this episode in July. Right now I'm recording episodes about a month in advance. By the time you're listening to this, it'll be sometime in August. And I have recently moved apartments. I am still in Portugal in the Porto area, and finding myself still in transition. I moved here in the end of last year, in 2021. Somehow I had this expectation that a couple months into the move, I would be settled.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

But quite contrary, I am not feeling 100% settled here. There are still a lot of things that I need to get done to fully integrate myself to this new location, to this new culture, to this new language. Sometimes I get frustrated because the bureaucracy is very different here, more complicated in some ways than I'm used to. I'm going through navigating a big language barrier. And that's, you know, a whole other hurdle that- now I empathize a lot with my own parents and everybody else in the US who has had to navigate a difficult language barrier. Those are just some examples- the bureaucracy, the move, the things taking longer than expected.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

It can be really easy for me to get frustrated, to feel like there's a lot of lack of control. And sometimes I get down, because one of the things about this experience for me and moving abroad is that it's a big life transition. It doesn't make sense for me to expect for me to feel 100% settled in less than a year. So this prompted me to thinking about the topic of life transitions, not just for myself, but for those around me.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Right now, all of my coaching clients are going through some sort of transition of their own. I'm actually really proud of the folks that I'm working with. One person who I helped with job application materials and mock interviews landed that job. Another person who I helped with an EDD application got into that doctoral program. Another person who I helped with transitioning and transferring grad programs is now starting that program and getting kind of prepped for what they're going to be expected to do in the fall. Another person who's worked with me on fellowship apps, has been awarded a National Fellowship, and has decided to apply for more funding sources and is going to continue working with me to receive support in that way.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

But all of these things are actually transitions. If you're switching programs, that's a transition. If you're moving to another state to start a new grad program, that's a transition. If you're starting a new job or changing your role, that is a transition. And life transitions- sometimes they can seem really exciting. But they're also difficult. They're also uncomfortable. There is this level of grief that we don't talk about enough, at least not openly- it's not out in the air. It's not something you talk about over small talk.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

If you know me, you know that I'm not a fan of small talk. I would much rather keep it real. I would much rather be honest and upfront when you ask me how I'm doing. I'd rather tell you if I'm going through challenges, and I would want the same from you if we were to have a conversation. And I want that from others, to have more open and honest conversations about life transitions, because we all go through them. If you are an undergrad, and you're thinking about your graduation, you're gonna be going through a transition, a life transition right then and there. If you're in grad school and you're planning for what's going to happen after grad school- that's another life transition.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

What are some other examples? I mentioned if you are landing a new job. You're in a new career, in a new role. What happens, for instance, if you've been a student your entire life and then all of a sudden you graduate. You get your first full time job, and you're expected to not only manage yourself but also manage others. I recall this happening to me when I got my first full time job after grad school. All of a sudden, I was in charge of managing other grad students. These are folks who were my age or older, and they're coming to me to tell them what to do. It's like, wait, what? Don't you know what to do?

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

It was strange to have had- to be frank, folks be condescending and infantilizing, and looking down on me and treating me like a student. There's a lot of ageism, because of my younger age- compared to my professors- that I experienced in grad school. To not feel fully respected in what I was doing and getting paid for doing as a grad student, to all of a sudden having that respect, and having others depend on me to tell them what to do and to assess them and their work. That was a big change. It's like, wait, really? And there was no formal training either. So that's a transition.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Again, like I said, there is grief in transitions. Another example that I mentioned is the new location. You relocate. Sometimes, you've got to move to a new city, state or even country for a job. Sometimes you're moving out of state for grad school. What happens to you, what happens to your identity, when your place- outside of the place where you grew up. Maybe you were born and raised in the same area, some of us have that experience. Some folks have moved most of their life. So in moving, maybe it's not as big of a life transition for them.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

In my case, for instance, my husband, my partner, he moved a lot as a child. For him to move cities, to move states and even to move countries, is not that big of a deal. As much as it is for me who- I was born and raised in the Southern California area. I kept telling myself that I wanted to move out, and finally I moved out. Sometimes I get sad, because I miss my family, my friends and my community. And so with a new location, you have to navigate these feelings of that loss- loss of space and place, and who you are outside of that.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Now, there's also this thing that comes up- again, I don't think we talk about it enough. Even among my girlfriends, I feel like we need to talk about this a little bit more openly. There's only a couple of my friends who were really honest and blunt about this, about our change in income over time. So what happens if you've grown up poor- you grew up working class, and then that continues on in grad school. Then you get your first job, and you're making double, or sometimes triple what you made in grad school. And maybe some folks near you don't get a job, or they don't get the same type of job, and they're making the same or less than in grad school. So there's a change in income.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

What happens when your class status changes? And what if your identity rests on a very particular class status? If you grew up poor or working class, then that changes- how does that change you? How does that change the relationships with those around you? What if your class status changes compared to your family members, for instance? And what if it actually fluctuates?

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

In my case, I went from not making a lot as a grad student, to making okay on my salary at the university, to now- I'm not making a lot again. I anticipate that's going to change too, because when I'm done writing this book, I plan to keep doing more workshops, and get even more clients. For certain talks and events and opportunities, because of my experience- my many years of experience, because of the book, because of all the things I have going on, I will increase my rates too. Because I have more knowledge, more experience and more to offer. So what happens, again, when your class status changes and if it fluctuates over time?

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Another example of a life transition is if you're getting married or partnered, or alternatively, if you're getting divorced or going through a separation. If you've been single for a long time, what happens if you all of a sudden enter into a serious relationship- monogamous, polygamous, whatever works for you. If it becomes a serious relationship, then what? What happens similarly, if you've been in a relationship for a long time, and then all of a sudden you become inter dependent, or intra dependent, or enmeshed with that person, where you no longer know who you are outside of this relationship? What happens if you get divorced or separated then? You know, thinking about these things because they do happen.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Another big example, and I'm hearing about this more and more, I think because I am more open and talking about my own chronic illness and my own disability. So folks are reaching out to me to share their experiences, or they're wanting to work with me specifically because of my experience with chronic illness. And they, too, are struggling with this. So what happens if you suddenly develop a chronic illness? If you suddenly develop a physical disability? If it's visible or invisible? Who do you become? How do you change in this instance?

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

And in all the other examples I mentioned earlier of life transitions, there is loss. Who you were and who you are becoming are not necessarily the same person. There is a grieving process. It is uncomfortable. And it is inevitable to go through this. Life transitions- you can't avoid them, even if you stay in the same place forever. You keep the same job forever. Eventually, it's going to hit you. Eventually, something's going to happen. It could be related to your health or a loved one's health. It could be related to- all of a sudden, you get laid off unexpectedly.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

You never know. I mean, life is so unpredictable. The only thing that we can safely predict is change. For a lot of us, especially if you're like me, we want to take control. We want to feel like we have a say in our lives, and we have agency. So when things come up, and life transitions come up, that remind us that some things are out of our control, it can be hard to navigate this change.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Some of these examples I brought up are changes that we bring on for ourselves. Me moving abroad, I did that. That's because of me. Versus me developing a chronic illness- that was not something I intentionally did. It wasn't like I was intentionally working towards developing a chronic illness. But it still happened. It was still a big life transition, and it's still affected me and who I am and who I'm becoming.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

So I just want you to think about- I'll share a little bit of advice about what I think may be helpful for you if you're currently in the middle of navigating some sort of major life transition, particularly post graduation life transitions. Because this is when it hits you the most, when there's this clear distinction between your life in school and your life after school. Post grad can mean post undergrad or post grad school. But if you're in that post grad, you just finished a program transition, trying to figure out what comes next. This is a tough time. It's exciting. I'm very proud of you for reaching this accomplishment and milestone, but it's also hard.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

You got to give yourself some grace in this moment. So what's my advice? If say, you recently moved, you recently changed careers, your income has changed. Maybe you were tight, or not tight, or tight again with your income. Or maybe you suddenly become single or partnered, or maybe you were formerly child free, and all of a sudden, you are carrying a child. You're pregnant, or you're gonna have have a baby. Or maybe you're formerly able bodied, and suddenly, you become disabled. I could just keep going on and on and on. There's so many examples of life transitions.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

What is my advice to help you cope? The first thing that I found especially helpful- and this is why I continue to be open in talking about chronic illness. And oof, I will also be honest with you. It's July. We're going through a big heatwave here in Europe, and Portugal's facing a lot of fires. Most buildings here don't have AC. We don't have AC. I am very sensitive to the heat. My chronic illness flares up during the heat, so I have not been feeling well. I have not been feeling my best. I have been in more pain than usual. It is not fun. And so navigating transitions are not fun.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Sometimes I don't want to talk about how I'm not feeling that great, but I continue to be open and honest about my experiences. Why? Because it opens me up to the opportunity of meeting other people with shared experiences. I help to remind other folks that they're not alone too. So that first piece of advice is to surround yourself with others who have gone through similar experiences. It makes me feel so good when folks reach out to me to meet with me, to talk about their own kind of struggles with chronic illness or with chronic pain, or with disabilities.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

To be in community, to have others to turn to, to have someone to talk to, to have someone to get advice from- if maybe they're a few years into whatever transition you're going through, that's nice. I have my friends I can turn to, to ask advice about leaving higher ed, for instance. I have my friends I can turn to, to be in community and kind of vent together about dealing with chronic pain. I have folks to turn to based on the different transitions. I actually have one friend who I can talk to about life moving to Portugal. I've got a therapist who moved abroad too. It's really, really helpful to have people to turn to, to talk to about these things.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Another word of advice is, and I just mentioned it right now- is if you can afford it, even if it's via sliding scale, or only meeting every other week, or even monthly. But I highly, highly recommend finding a therapist to help support you in this transition. Sometimes folks feel like you have to be going through a crisis to work with a therapist. But that's not necessarily true. Even if it's once a month- having someone, having a space and place to vent, to share unapologetically and just completely unload. And then get their open, honest and unbiased professional advice on your situation. That helps a lot.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

So therapy. You know, sometimes there are folks who do this through coaching too. Although I have more experience myself working with therapists. But I am also an academic coach, and some of this stuff comes up. I'm not a therapist, but some of these conversations come up in my sessions with clients too, about how to strategically navigate and compassionately navigate these transitions. So again, therapist or some sort of professional to help you navigate this transition will be really helpful.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

The next word of advice is to maintain some consistency and familiarity amidst your change. To do that, it means having some sort of consistency in your routine. If you're going through a lot of changes, it can be comforting to have something that you can turn to for familiarity. That can be maybe keeping your same morning routine, or maybe developing a new routine that works best for you. Having something consistent, familiar, expected that you can turn to to help ease that change- that helps a lot.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

You know, in my case, I have a very set routine of keeping things slow in the mornings, because I know I don't feel that great in the mornings. Even if I'm going through very big, difficult things, even if I have to navigate difficult bureaucracy, even if I have to go to all these appointments, I know when in the day to do them, or what days in my week to do them. I do a little bit of time blocking in that sense, to keep things kind of routine and consistent, and manage the overwhelm in these transitions.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Another thing, and this is advice that I need to take myself, because I'm not perfect either. But this one is just to remind you that it's okay to go slow and steady. What do I mean by that? By that I mean that if you're going through a big life transition- I don't know about you, but during big transitions, I want to take control. I want to get things done. I want to manage the transition as quickly, as smoothly as possible, to minimize the discomfort that I feel.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

So what does that mean? That means if I'm moving, I want to move and unpack quickly. If I've got a new job, I want to learn the ropes at this new job and transition smoothly and quickly. If I've got a bunch of bureaucratic things I need to get done, then I want to get them done as quickly as possible. Everything- I want to get it done quickly because again, I want to be done with the transition, and be settled into this new change, whatever that change is.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

But not everything can happen quickly. Not everything will go your way. Not everything will happen smoothly. It's really easy to get stressed and frustrated when this happens. But if you remind yourself that actually, it's okay to take things slowly. In my case, I get frustrated. I think to myself, why haven't I built community here in this new city and country I've moved to. Where are all the really cool POC? Where are all the really cool social justice informed folks in this area? Where are my people? Where are the neurodivergent folks? Where are the chronically ill folks? Where are the folks who are immigrants, but not wealthy expats? Where are my people?

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

I haven't found them, but they're out there. And I have to remind myself, it's okay to take it slow. It's okay if I don't have everything set up right then and there. It takes time to transition. I haven't even been here a year. I feel the same way with my business, with Grad School Femtoring. I'm happy with the clients that I'm working with. But I'm like, where are the rest of my clients? And why am I not doing more workshops? And when am I going to be done with this book?

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Then I think to myself - realistically, in my schedule, based off my time, even my abilities and how I feel day to day- it's not realistic for me to expect myself to be doing a million things in my business, and making enough money to sustain my family. Right now, we're tight. But you know what? It's okay, because I haven't even been in business for a year yet. It's been less than a year. It's okay. It's okay to take things slow. It's okay.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

You know, especially when you don't compare yourself to others, because you never know where people are in their transitions and then their life stages. It's really easy to fall into that comparison trap, and to want to get things done quickly and to want to make everything seem so great. I try to balance that line between sharing how nice it is- the reasons why I've pursued the life of being an entrepreneur, I've pursued the life of living abroad. But at the same time, it's not all the way that it's shared and romanticized on social media. It's not all great.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

So I just want to remind you that transitions are hard. They may seem really great and exciting. Maybe you bought a home. I know folks who recently bought a home for the first time in their life. They've been working so hard, finally landed a job, finally bought a home. Even that is stressful. I do not envy them. Been there, done that. I decided to say no to homeownership, at least for now. But again, on the outside, these transitions may seem big and exciting. But when you're actually going through them, it's not always a joyous moment. Some parts of it can be difficult, uncomfortable, and involve grief and loss.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

The next thing I also want to share- which is the last point I'm going to make when it comes to advice on how to navigate grief, how to navigate difficult moments in life transitions- is to focus on the benefits and the growth that come from this change. You got a new job- maybe this new job excites you, even if it's difficult and scary to learn all these new things. Maybe you start to really like it. Maybe you move to a new location and you realize, oh, they're some things that you really like about it. I really like that coffee shop or I really like this area. I really like this park nearby. Whatever it is, just finding things to look forward to. I like my neighbor, whatever it is.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Or maybe you're going through something really difficult, and right now, it just feels nonsensical. Like, why am I going through something this hard or this sad or this unjust? Those things happen too, and if you're going through that kind of life transition, it's just having a lot of compassion with yourself and just reminding yourself that this stage in your life is going to pass and you are going to learn from it. Maybe it's painful and maybe the pain will continue to be there, but it will lessen over time. And you going through this painful moment will create more self compassion and more compassion for others.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

For my case, for instance, I've gone through grief and loss of a parent. I have also gone through the grief and loss of formerly being healthy and able bodied. And for many, many years, I refused to admit that I was going to deal with chronic health issues. I always kept thinking, one day I'll find a solution. One day I'll figure out what's wrong with it. One day, I'll take a medication, and I'll get better. It took a while for me to fully accept this new reality for myself.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

And it could take a while for you to fully accept this transition if it is a really dark, painful, scary, sad transition. Just reminding yourself - this will pass. It's painful, it's uncomfortable, it may be completely unjust. But I will get through it. I will survive. I will reach the other side. And hopefully I will be a better person from this experience.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

That wisdom that comes from the pain that you experience, that's something that you can share with others. That's something that you can actually- what's the word for it? You can put it in some sort of medium that you can share to the world in a really beautiful way, whether that's in your writing, whether that's in your art, whether that's in your poetry, whether that's in your music, whatever it is. There are mediums for you to share your grief in a way that is healing for you and for others as well.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

So that's it for this week. Thinking about my own life transitions made me think about everybody else who's going through life transitions, whether it's my clients, whether it's my former students, whether it's my friends, family members. Every time I check in with folks- and maybe it's because that's just who I am. I keep it real, and because I keep it real, they keep it real. And I'm realizing how we're all navigating some really difficult things. Maybe that's called adulting. Maybe that's part of being older. Maybe you haven't faced your own big life transition yet, but just know it's coming. And when it does come, listen to this episode, and take care of yourself. All right. I'll talk to you all next time.