136: Compassionate Ways to Deal with Academic and Career Disappointment

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Welcome back, everyone to the Grad School Femtoring Podcast. This is Dra. Yvette. And today I have a solo episode for you on compassionate ways to deal with academic and career disappointment. We are going into the month of May. And I know that with this month, a lot of feelings may come up. But for some of you, this is your last month before your academic year ends. And for the rest of you, you're starting to think about the end of the academic year as well.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

And recently, I had an opportunity to give a workshop for a university Latinx Center, and the workshop was all about talking about and planning for post graduation transitions. And some of the students who participated and shared about their experiences talked about this feeling of disappointment— disappointment over not getting into graduate school and having to take a gap year or not being certain are sure about their career path. And it just brought to mind my own experiences with disappointment. I've had many incidents where I worked really hard towards something and it didn't quite work out the way that I imagined. And it's hard. It's hard to deal with those experiences and the feelings that come up. But it's happened to me enough times now that I feel like I've gotten better at dealing with feelings of disappointment.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

And so before I share what I do to help me with dealing with disappointment, I want to share some examples of academic and career experiences that could potentially disappoint me, I mean, disappoint you. And some of you who are listening might be dealing with this right now. One thing that has come up for sure, is it's May, you know, the deadline to submit your Statement of Intent to Register for graduate school was April 15, in most cases. So by now, you know, if you did or did not get into grad school, if you worked really hard on your applications, and you still didn't get into graduate school, it can be hard to accept that because you know how hard you worked. And it's hard not to take it personally. But again, there are so many reasons outside of your control why individuals don't get into grad school.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

But that's one thing that could potentially be disappointing you. And I think that sometimes happens, and I've been one to witness this. And this is hard is someone working really hard on a grad school app, and they get into one of their top schools, or perhaps it's their dream school. And then turns out that they get an offer with no funding. So they get the acceptance letter, they get so excited. And then their heart sinks when they read the letter thoroughly or when a week or two later they find out through a separate award letter that they did not get any funding. And what does that mean? Maybe they asked about funding, they applied for external sources, and it still didn't work out. And there have been instances where students have had to walk away from an offer for the sake of protecting themselves from getting into six figures of student debt. So that's disappointing to get in, not get funding and not be able to continue on with the program that you really wanted to attend.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Sometimes what happens is you'll apply for a really amazing opportunity. And you find that you're a finalist, and you're really excited and you think you did a stellar job. And then turns out they give the offer to someone else. You're one of the top two, top three candidates and you don't get it. That's disappointing. Or maybe you worked really hard for these really wonderful, national international fellowships out there. And you find out that you did so well. But you received an honorable mention, you didn't actually get the award. You did enough to be to be noticed and honored, but not enough to actually get the award. That is also disappointing. It's a big deal. It's great. It's actually a good thing. You can add it to your CV but there's still disappointment there.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Or perhaps you actually land your dream job,and you are really enjoying the opportunity only to find out that you're being severely underpaid for that market or that position. That's disappointing. Or perhaps you are working your butt off, you know, in hopes to land a promotion and then you leave and you see someone else get that promotion that you work so hard for, and then they get it more quickly than you. That's disappointing. Or maybe you are continuing to work really hard and for some reason, outside of your control, you get let go from a position. And there was nothing you could do about it. All of a sudden, you're it feels like your world is collapsing, because your way of sustaining yourself is gone. This happens to folks, sometimes, that's scary, and it's disappointing to, or maybe you're currently in a grad program, and you're struggling so much. Or you're currently in a grad program, and you realize this is not it for you. And you decide to leave your program really close to the finish line. That is disappointing, even if it's the right thing to do. It's disappointing.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

And when I think about disappointment, I think about transitions, and I think about grief, about what is grief, for me grieving is a way for you to sit with the discomfort and the sadness that comes with not getting the opportunities to do the things that you imagined doing. So there's a loss of an opportunity, there's a loss of something there. And so you might be right now sitting with these feelings of disappointment, and grieving the life that you thought you wanted, or grieving the life that you no longer want, but you work so hard towards it, and you're now going through a different transition. Or right now you're sitting with that disappointment and having to learn how to navigate this big form of change, change is really hard for a lot of us. And to how to deal with change, while also not be feeling great about it is even harder.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Let me just get started with sharing some of the things that I have done to deal with feelings of disappointment to deal with this grieving process for those struggling with change and big life transitions. And how to do it in a compassionate way. Because there are a lot of ways for you to deal with it. You could just ignore it. You could walk away, you could sit in anger, you could just give up on whatever dream it is altogether. Yeah, there's there's so many ways to deal with, you could suppress your emotions. But I want to focus on doing it in a compassionate way and to really take care of yourself. Take care of your physical, mental, spiritual health while you're dealing with these uncomfortable feelings.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

The first thing that I often do for myself, is I let myself feel all the feelings. I know that sounds silly, but really, how do you do that? I allow myself to cry. I vent. You know, I could be venting with a partner or with a family member or with a friend. If you don't have someone to vent to you can journal. Journaling to let all those thoughts and feelings out is really helpful. Taking deep breaths can help to calm you down. If you're feeling intense emotions, especially the moment that you find out and you have you know, you're at the height of those emotions. I listen to music, calming music, music that helps me to sit in that discomfort of the feelings. I also take things slowly so rather than try to ignore the feelings and just be so busy that I don't even have time to think about it. I take things slowly so that I give myself the time I need to process those feelings. And then eventually I you start to notice that those feelings start to get less intense. In feeling your feelings you're allowing yourself to process them and to let them kind of move and sway you know the way that a wave would kind of it's I don't even I don't even know how to describe waves. But the I guess the ebbs and flows of a wave. That's how we experienced feelings many times. I am not a fan of pushing feelings aside. I would rather sit with them sit in that discomfort because I know that in doing that, eventually that discomfort and that feeling will pass.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Alright, so the next, there's actually four different ways that I'm going to share how to deal with disappointment in a compassionate way. Number two is I remind myself of what I'm grateful for, and all the good things in my life, most likely, you're disappointed because you may be ambitious, you may be working towards these really amazing goals and you feel like you were just so close to reaching that really wonderful opportunity. And then it didn't work out or it was taken away from you. In those times, it can be helpful to think about all the amazing things that are already part of your life. And they don't have to be these big things. It can simply be or mean acknowledging the fact that you're here, your existing your breathing, that you have loved ones, whether that's bio fam, chosen fam, friends, you have people that are there for you that care for you. Having a roof over your head is a big deal. So what are you grateful for? What are the things that remind you that you're doing okay? Even with all these forms of disappointment, you're actually doing just fine. I remind myself when I'm feeling when I'm struggling with my own feelings of disappointment, and it still happens to me. I tell myself, you know what, I am doing just fine. I have two beautiful, healthy kids, I am grateful that I still have a mom that I can talk to regularly on the phone, even though we are hundreds of 1000s of miles away from each other. I'm grateful for my friends, I'm grateful for my community. I'm grateful for this podcast, believe it or not. I'm grateful for the book that I get to write. And the workshops and coaching sessions that I get to offer, this work that I do brings me joy. So when I am struggling and dealing with feelings of disappointment, if I put myself out there, and there's a really amazing opportunity and it doesn't work out. It's okay because I'm grateful. I'm blessed. I'm privileged, and we all have different ways that we are blessed and privileged with things in our life.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

So just remind yourself that another thing that I do is this is the third or the fourth thing that I do when I am struggling with these feelings is I reflect on my growth, and what I have learned or am learning from that process. So why am I disappointed right now? How does this form of disappointment reflect on my growth as an individual, maybe I'm disappointed because I'm missing out on an opportunity. But the fact that I'm even aware of that opportunity, says something. And while there are areas outside of your control, there are also ways that you can learn and grow from this moment. So yes, not getting what you want, it is disappointing. Maybe it's dealing with rejection, that's disappointing. But you are actually getting one step closer to an even better opportunity. And it might not feel like that right now. It might feel like the world is closing in on you. But trust me that there are so many ways that you can learn and grow from this moment. And if you keep focusing on that, and continue to just not give up and putting yourself out there for opportunities that are aligned with your your values with the life and career that you want. Something is going to work out eventually things will work out.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Now, the last way that I deal with disappointment, and I do it in a compassionate way, and this is actually my favorite thing to do is, I use it as fuel to take action. Most of the time, it's been these moments of disappointment. And in some cases, it's been flat out moments of anger, that have lit a fire inside of me to share what I learned and how I learned it so that others don't have to deal with the same BS so that others don't have to deal with the same issues or if they are going to face the same issues, then they have strategies to better navigate them to navigate them better than I did. I want to be that femtor to someone who you know can tell them this is what you do when this happens. And this is how you, oh boy, this is how you bypass this, this is how you deal with this negative thing. Because life isn't easy. And I wish I had had that femtor myself to guide me through that process. And I still kind of am in need of more mentors in my life to be frank with you, because I'm also trying to navigate my own path as a solo entrepreneur. And so I keep reminding myself of, you know, whenever I'm disappointed, you know what, I can use it as fuel. This is why I have this podcast, this is why I have my platform.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

I may have things that frustrated me, there are so many parts of academic culture that have frustrated me, it frustrates me that so many things are hidden, it frustrates me that there's a lack of transparency, it frustrates me that there's so much gatekeeping and all the many isms in academia, all that frustrates me. But I'm reminded that you know, what, this is why I do what I do. This is why I share what I share, this is why I bring on the guests that I bring, because if some things are not okay, then I am going to disclose what I know. That's why I share so much, I may be oversharing. And that's okay, because that is my way to take action. And that is my way of making a difference. And that is my way of dealing with my own forms of disappointment. And to do it in a compassionate way towards myself and towards others around me.

Dra. Yvette Martínez-Vu

Those are the things that I do. I you know, there are moments that I'm so incredibly happy and proud of where I'm at and all the things that I've accomplished. And then there are times that I you know, I'm disappointed over something else. So these feelings ebb and flow like waves, but you know what, I've got my little toolkit, I know that I will be okay that I can just feel my feelings that I can I always have something to be grateful for that I am growing. I am leveling up. I am learning I'm never gonna stop learning, and that I can always take action no matter what no matter how many knows, no matter how many forms of disappointment, no matter the injustices that are around me, there's something that I can do about it. All right. That's today's episode. If you, too, are struggling with feelings of disappointment right now at this point in your life, just know you're not alone. You will get through it, and things will get better. All right. I'll talk to you all later.